Abandoned
by CassandraB09
Summary: DISCONTINUED! A story about Harry coping with Sirius' death. And his 6th year. This story may contain self harm in further chappies. Just a warning.
1. Secrets

**Chapter One**

**Secrets**

It was a warm summers night, and the moon was barely visible from behind the thick cluster of clouds. Three people in dark hooded robes met a fourth outside of number 12 Grimmauld Place. The four looked down at a piece of parchment and then quickly disappeared into the house that appeared before them. As they entered they heard the many voices of the members of the Order, arguing like never before.

"But if we tell him Albus, how is he going to be able to fulfil his destiny? He'll be too distracted." Moody stood up and started walking towards Albus Dumbledore. Just as Albus opened his mouth to speak the four from outside entered the room.

"Ah, Just in time." Albus said as the first two approached him.

"Albus let's just work this out. I've waited a long time for this, Albus. You know that. I've been very patient," One of the four, a woman said after lowering her hood.

"Yes, well lets all sit shall we. We do have a lot to discuss."

All the members of the Order sat down in the comfy sofa's that scattered around the room.

Less then a kilometre away, a group of four people were lying in the park, looking up at the stars. Harry could hear Ron breaking twigs with his hands and he could hear Hermione humming. Ginny got up and went over to the swing. Sitting on one, she started to rock gently back and forth and looked at the barely visible moon. Harry sat up and took a look around them. He had arrived at Grimmauld place a little over a week ago. Lupin had come and rescued him from that place he was supposed to call home. As Harry looked around him, he could see that trees surrounded the park. Three of the four sides had thick forests of trees and the fourth was open to the road. Harry rested his elbows on his bent knees and buried his head in his hands.

Ron sat up beside him. "Harry?" he said his voice full of concern.

"Yeah." Harry looked up from his hands and at Ron.

"Are you ok?"

"Yeah. No. I don't know."

Hermione sat up on the other side of Harry. "What's wrong?" she asked, placing a hand on his shoulder.

"Just thinking," Harry replied, standing up.

"About Sirius?" Ginny whispered as Hermione rose to her feet.

"Yeah I guess. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean. I don't know. Lets just head back to the house. I'm sure we're going to get into so much trouble for sneaking out as it is," Harry said as he turned and started walking out of the park.

Ron sighed heavily as he got up. "Harry you're going to have to talk to us about this eventually, mate. You need us right now," Ron said, putting a hand on Harry's shoulder, urging him to stop.

Harry turned and looked at the three concerned faces around him.

"What's there to say, Ron? Hmm. And who says that I need you? By being my friend, you guys are putting yourselves and your families in danger. Voldemort knows who and what I love and he will stop at nothing to kill you to try and ruin me just like he did with Sirius. Every time I start to talk to you guys about Sirius, you always butt in and say, 'Oh it's not your fault, Harry.' Well truth be told, it is. It's not the first time in my life that I haven't listened to what Hermione or Dumbledore has said but this time the consequences were bigger. Someone died. And every night when I go to sleep, I see him falling through that stupid arch thing and I know that if it weren't for me then he'd still be alive" Harry yelled, tearing the silence of the night apart. Harry turned away from his shocked friends and started walking towards Grimmauld Place, tears streaming down his face. He brushed them away with the back of his hand. He heard running footsteps behind him but kept walking.

"Harry," Hermione said from behind him. "Harry."

"What?" he asked stopping and turned around, with Ron coming very close to knocking into him.

"You can't just push us away, Harry. We've all known you for six years and we're not about to leave you. We're in too deep, Harry, and there's nothing you can do to try and get us to stop being your friend. We all love you, Harry. You are our brother and you mean the world to us. And if that means that we may have to risk getting between you and Voldemort, Then so be it. I'm not leaving you. We're not leaving you!" Hermione moved closer to Harry and engulfed him in a hug. She put her mouth up to his ear and whispered, "Sirius loved you, and he died to protect you. If you ever need to talk to someone you know I'm always here to listen. Anytime, day or night. Ok?"

They pulled out of the hug and Harry nodded, blinking tears out of his eyes.

Ron looked down at his feet, shuffling them silently.

"Ron, what is it?" Harry asked stepping closer to him.

"Well I just agree with Hermione, that's all. Even though this is going to sound like I'm a fag, I'm going to say it. I love you, Harry. You are a brother to me." With that Ron stepped forward and pulled Harry into a quick 'man hug'.

He pulled out and looked expectantly at Ginny.

"Well, Just because they're being the cornballs tonight doesn't mean I have to be too." She walked past Harry and started heading back towards Grimmauld Place. Harry shrugged at the other two before he turned around to find Ginny standing right behind him with a huge smile on her face. She wrapped her arms around him and whispered in his ear

"I love you, Harry Potter. I always have." She pulled out of the hug and they all walked home to Grimmauld Place in silence.

As they entered the house that appeared before them, they could here voices arguing in the lounge room.

"Moody, for Christ's sakes. Stop thinking about revenge for one minute and think about those two people there. And the boy. Think about what the three of them have been through. They need each other Mad-Eye," Tonks yelled from in the lounge room.

The four teenagers started creeping down the hall. Just the previous week they had been found 'accidentally' eavesdropping on an Order meeting, and they didn't want to be discovered by Moody again. As they crept past the lounge room door, they could here the members arguing on top of one another.

"Silence!" Dumbledore yelled at the top of his voice.

There was sudden silence in the room and they could feel the tension from out in the hall. They reached the bottom of the stairs when another voice spoke up from in the lounge.

"Albus, I think we need to tell him. I can perfectly understand both the reasons here. Why half of us want to tell Harry and the other half don't. He's going to be heart broken by this yes, but he needs to know," Lupin spoke up.

Harry stopped dead in his tracks, this time Ron did run into him.

"Hey watch it, Harry."

The room silenced and the teenagers heard footsteps coming to the door. The door opened and a very red Lupin stepped into the hall, with Moody just behind them.

"Kids, I thought I told you last time to stop trying to over hear the Order meetings." Moody said, walking towards them viciously.

"For your information, we were just walking upstairs," Ginny said from the first landing.

"From where?" spoke Lupin.

"The park," Ron said inching back away from Moody towards Harry.

"The park?" said Moody. "The park."

"Yes, that's what Ron said. Or are you hard of hearing too?" Harry said sarcastically.

"Don't get smart with me, boy. You know well enough that you shouldn't be even out of this damn house," Moody spat taking even more steps closer to Harry. "Promise me you'll never leave again. You'll put the whole Order at risk, you stupid boy."

"I'll promise on one condition."

"You think you're in the position to compromise, boy."

"Do you have a choice?"

"You're darn right I have a choice. Besides it's Order business."

"The Order may not be my business but Voldemort is, and that's what the Order is about. Defeating Voldemort. I reckon I have a right to know."

"I can't tell you."

"If you don't tell me what I want to hear then I'll keep sneaking out."

"Then we'll lock you up."

"You have no right to do that."

"Hey, hey, hey. What is it you want to hear, Harry?" Remus spoke up

"What is it that half the Order wants to tell me and the other half doesn't?"

"I'm afraid I can't tell you that Harry. I'm not the right person."

"The who is Remus? Huh? It's not a good idea to keep things from me. Just ask Professor Dumbledore."

"Harry, I can't," Remus replied as Dumbledore entered the hallway.

"Good evening, children."

"Good evening, Professor," they replied together.

"Harry. I do not believe that this is perhaps the best time to tell you what we are discussing. When the time is right I will tell you, but until then I must ask you to be patient. I assure you that this time no one will be harmed by this. Also if you could please, please stay in this house it would be greatly appreciated. I can understand that it must be difficult for you, but until the term begins you must stay indoors."

"Ok, Professor," Harry mumbled before turning and walking past his friends. He ran up the stairs, and they heard the loud bang as Harry's bedroom door slammed shut.

"Also if you three could keep a close eye on him, it would also be greatly appreciated," Dumbledore said to the three before turning around and walking with Moody and Lupin into the lounge room. This time the three heard Dumbledore mutter a simple silencing charm before the room filled with silence. The three teenagers quickly glanced at each other before turning and walking up the stairs.

They reached Harry and Ron's room and entered after quickly knocking on the door. Harry was lying on his bed, his back turned out as he faced the wall.

The three filed in and each sat on Ron's bed across from Harry. Harry turned and faced them before turning back to the wall.

"Harry? Did you want to talk?" Ron asked, glancing quickly at the two girls to see if he had said the right thing.

"Um, nah. I'm ok. Honestly I think I just want to go to bed. It's getting pretty late," Harry said, still facing the wall. "But thanks."

The other three all glanced at each other quickly before the girls left the room with a quiet "Night, guys."

Ron looked over at his best friend before sighing and getting into bed. Ron fell asleep almost instantly, but Harry lay awake for hours, until finally dropping off at 3 AM.


	2. The Hogwarts Express

**Chapter Two.**

**The Hogwarts Express.**

After several more boring weeks at Grimmauld Place with lots of order meetings and a trip to Diagon Ally that Harry wasn't aloud to attend, September 1st finally arrived. Harry awoke with the feeling of excitement and dread leaking into his stomach. Harry was a bit worried about returning to Hogwarts, unable to think what he was going to feel being at that place with so many happy, cheerful students when he had sunk into a deep state of depression

There was a quick tap at the door then a red haired girl stuck her head through the door.

"Mum said that if you two want to eat breakfast before going to the train station then you better get downstairs right now."

"Thanks Ginny." Harry said as she shut the door behind her. He reached over and grabbed his glasses off the bedside table.

Oi Ron." Harry threw a pillow over at Ron.

"Just five more minutes Mum." Ron grumbled rolling over.

"Ronald I am not your mother, and if you don't hurry up then your going to miss the train, and there is no flying car this time." Harry reached down and pulled back Ron's blankets.

"Harry." Ron said sitting up. "Holy Merlin, you sounded like Mum then though."

"Come on Ronniekins" Harry said, exited the room with a smile on his lips.

He entered the kitchen and sat next to an overly excited Ginny.

"Oh Harry, aren't you excited?" Ginny asked as Mrs Weasley put down a plater of bacon, eggs and toast in front of him.

"Thanks. Um no not really excited? Why?"

"Why? Because we get to see all our other friends. Luna and Neville and…"

"Dean?" Harry asked slyly as Ron entered the kitchen.

Ginny went a bright shade of red and left the room mumbling about "teasing boys".

Harry sat eating in silence, listening to Mrs Weasley and Ron having an argument about N.E.W.T Classes. Harry sighed and started walking back up stair to pack his trunk. He walked slowly realising how depressing it was walking around in the same halls that only a few short months ago Sirius had been walking through.

Harry sighed again and pushed open the door to his and Ron's bedroom. He started to pack up his trunk.

An hour later Ron, Ginny, Hermione, Harry, Tonks and Mrs and Mr Weasley were all gathered at Kings Cross station. Each in turn they passed through the barrier that separated the muggle station from the wizard platform 9¾. Harry and Ron were one of the last through, just before Tonks.

Mrs Weasley pulled the four teens all into bone crushing hugs before they turned and boarded the Hogwarts express. They found an empty carriage halfway along the train and then with a jolt the train started.

Ron and Hermione left Ginny and Harry to go to the prefect carriage. There was a silence between the two left. It wasn't exactly bad, but it seemed to Ginny that it needed to be filled. Ginny took several dep breaths, not even understanding herself the nervous butterflies in her stomach whenever she and Harry were alone together.

She thought that she was over him. That she would never ever want to date him anymore. That she didn't long to feel his hands on her skin. To taste his lips with hers. To be with him. But every time his vibrant, beautiful bright emerald eyes met her sapphire ones, she could see the pain in them. The worry. The dread. The Guilt. Every time she say that she just wanted to pull him close and tell him that everything would be alright and that she'd always be there for him.

She took another deep breath and this time Harry, who'd been staring out the window in silence, burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" Ginny was shocked at such an outburst, but at the same time was happy as it was the first time he laughed since Sirius had died.

Harry shook his head, unable to answer from is laughter.

"Harry. Tell Me."

Harry stopped laughing suddenly and bit his lip. He turned his head quickly and stared out the window again.

"Harry what was it?" Ginny asked, desperately wanting and answer.

"You."

"What about me?" Ginny asked defensively.

"Merlin Gin, don't be so defensive" Harry said, turning and looking at her briefly.

Ginny was startled to see his eyes shining with unshed tears.

He turned back to the window.

"Um, Harry? Are you okay?" She moved to the seat across from her so that she was sitting next to him.

"Yeah Gin. Why wouldn't I be?"

"Um, well maybe you're upset about Siri…"

"Don't Ginny. Please don't mention, you know…him." Harry said, and Ginny saw a tear fall down his cheek. Ginny put her arm around him and pulled him close to her. He tried to pull away but she only held on tighter. She pulled out her wand and did a simple locking charm on the door, a silencing charm on the cabin and pulled the blind on the door down.

"Harry just let it out, you need to."

"Ginny please."

"Harry," Ginny started, cupping his face in her hands and forcing him to look at her. "You need to cry, you need to griece, you need to let him go. Set him free. Let him go."

Harry put his arms around Ginny's waist and buried his head in her shoulder before letting out heart wrenching sobs that should have come months ago.

For the whole time he cried, Ginny held him there. Never once letting go. She ran her fingers through his hair. He soon fell asleep and shit still held him, letting him sleep on.

-

An hour later Ron and Hermione were walking down the halls of the train.

"Well that was the most boring Prefects meeting I've ever been too." Ron complained.

"Well I for one found it very productive."

They reached their compartment and Ron attempter to slide the door open. It wouldn't budge. Hermione looked at him with raised eyebrows. Ron pulled out his wand and was about to mutter "Alohamora" when Hermione placed her hand on his. Now it was Ron's time to raise his eyebrows.

"What?"

"Well we don't want to interrupt anything."

"Hermione that's my little sister and my best friend in there."

"Okay, okay. But if we interrupt something it's your fault."

"Well we wont." He raised his wand again, said the word and slid the door open.

Ginny and Harry were over in the corner, each in the others arms. At first it looked like they were both sleeping, but when they entered the carriage Ginny looked up at them and raised a finger to her lips, signalling to them to be quiet.

They shut the door after them and took seats next to each other across from Ginny and Harry.

"What happened?" Hermione asked quietly.

"I'm not sure if I should tell you." Ginny replied.

"Why not?"

"I'm not sure how he'd react."

"Oh so it's bad then?" Ron asked, worry evident in his voice.

"Oh no, not really."

"Gin please. He's my best mate. What happened?"

"Okay, but if he hexes me for this I'm blaming you. Well we were sitting her and we were talking, and the conversation went to Sirius. And I told him that he had to cry and let him go and eventually he did. He started crying and I hugged him and he soon fell asleep."

"Oh Merlin. Can you imagine what he must be going through?" Hermione said, pulling out her new transfiguration book. "He finally had a father figure in his life and then that pathetic excuse of a human had to go and mess it all up for him. Hasn't he gone through enough?"

"I know it's not right is it? I know he still blames himself for it too."

"He shouldn't" Hermione said as the door to the cabin swang open and Neville walked in, tripping on his feet and landed with a crash at Ginny's feet. Harry suddenly sat up straight. He looked around the room then at Ginny holding him. He pushed away from Ginny and a blush rose to his cheeks.

"Sorry." He mumbled.

"Don't be." Ginny whispered back.

Neville heaved himself from the floor and took a seat next to Hermione.

Ginny leaned across to Harry and said quietly "I don't want to embarrass you but your eyes are all red and puffy from before and maybe you'd like to go wash your face."

Harry looked at Ginny in horror, then looked around the room again. Harry stood up and quickly left the compartment. Ron looked at Ginny who in turn looked out the window. He sighed and looked back to his chocolate frog cards. He'd talk to Harry later.

-

Harry walked into the lavatory compartment and looked at himself in the mirror. He was surprised to see that his reflection showed a gaunt looking face with heavy dark circles under his red bloodshot eyes. He had lost a lot of weight and sleep this summer. He sighed as he ran his hands under the tap, catching the water in his cupped hands. He splashed his face and dried it off. He looked in the mirror again and saw that his face looked pretty much like before, except that his eyes were a little less red. He had the sudden urge to raise his fist and smash in into his reflection. He really hated himself right now. He shock his head and walked back slowly to his compartment. He entered the room and took his seat besides the window again, looking out in silence.


	3. Welcome Home?

Chapter Three 

**Welcome.. Home?**

Two hours later the train pulled up at Hogsmede. The four stepped out onto the familiar Hogsmede platform. They made their way quietly over to the carriages and Harry involuntarily shuddered as he saw the Threstrals connected to the carriages.

"A part of me actually wishes I could see them." Ginny whispered quietly.

"No. You don't." Harry replied before climbing into the carriage.

They began the quiet journey to the castle. Harry watched as the small silhouette of the castle loomed into view and got bigger and bigger.

He stepped out of the carriage and stood in front of the only place he ever called home. Yet without Sirius alive he didn't feel as though Hogwarts was the same.

He looked over at the whomping Willow and sighed as he pictured the eventful night when he first met Sirius. How he longed he was here. He remembered how through the tunnel on the way out Sirius had asked him to come and live with him. He was so happy. Oh how he wished to be coming to Hogwarts from a place he could call home with Sirius.

He shook his head and turned, heading towards the castle. When he entered the Great Hall he looked around at all the familiar faces, talking and laughing and smile. How people could be so happy when he was dying inside amazed him. Not that he thought that everyone should reply to his moods. Just the thought of someone being so happy was torment to him.

He sat at the Gryffindor table and rested his elbows on the table, his head in his hands.

Hermione and Ginny took seats opposite him, where as Ron sat beside him. He rested a hand on Harry's shoulder and Harry looked up. Seeing it was Ron he smiled faintly, sitting up straight and again casting a look around the hall.

"How you going?" Ron asked Harry quietly as Neville sat down opposite him.

"Oh you know. I feel like crap. I hate myself. I miss him. You know the usual."

Ron didn't know what to say. That was the first time he had heard Harry say he hated himself and he was quite shocked by it.

"What's the password to Gryffindor tower?" Harry asked as McGonagall entered the halls with the first years.

"Harry Potter." Ron answered immediately.

"What?"

"I'm kidding. It's Pumpkin Pastry."

"Okay. Thanks. I think I'm going to call it a night. I'm beat."

"Harry really you should stay and eat something." Ginny said as the sorting hat started it's song.

"I'm not hungry guys. I'm really tired and just want to go to my room."

"But Harry you've got to eat. You hardly eat anything."

The sorting hat finished its song (A/N. Yeah short I know) and professor McGonagall started to read out the list of names.

"Apps, Amber."

A small girl, with thick dirty blonde hair walked up and confidently took her seat.

"I eat plenty."

"Slytherin." The sorting hat shouted.

"Great another dirty rotten filthy Slytherin." Ron muttered, casting a look of hate towards the Slytherin table.

"Bell, Joshua."

"Harry you eat bugger all. Look how skinny you are. Your basically anorexic."

"Hufflepuff."

"I am not anorexic." Harry said through clenched teeth.

"Bird, Cassandra."

"Okay well not anorexic."

"Gryffindor."

Ron let out a loud "Whoop" next to Harry. "Go Gryffindor."

Cassandra blushed as she took a seat at the Gryffindor table.

"French, Matthew."

"I'm not skinny."

Ginny raised her eyebrows.

"Okay I'm skinny, but not that skinny."

"Hufflepuff"

The names kept being read of the paper, and Harry and Ginny kept up their argument until Harry agreed to at least have a bite before he went off to the dorms.

The food suddenly appeared as Dumbledore finished his speech.

Harry grabbed an apple from the table, gave Ginny a sarcastic smile and headed out of the hall. He walked through the corridors quickly. Playing with the apple in his hand. He walked up the familiar staircases, getting occasional comments from the portraits. He stepped in front of the fat lady.

"Pumpkin pastry." He said as he irritably looked at his apple.

"Why aren't you at the feast?" Said the fat lady, observing him.

"According to Ginny because I want to starve myself."

"Oh dear. That's not …"

"I don't really. Can you please just let me in?"

"Why do you want to enter?"

"Um, because it's my houses tower, and my beds up there and I want to call it an early night."

"Okay then. You don't have to get all huffy with me. I was simply stalling for the house elves."

The portrait opened and Harry even managed a grumbled "Thanks" as he climbed through the hole.

He threw his apple into the roaring fire as he passed. He clambered up the stairs and entered the all too familiar dormitory that said 'sixth years' on the door. He sat down on his bed and folded his hands in his lap, staring down at his palms that were facing up.

Ron looked at Harry's retreating back with a sad look on his face.

"I really don't know what to do about him guys. I'm so scared about him." Ron said as he loaded his plate with food.

"You don't think he'd do anything, ah, stupid do you?" Ginny whispered.

"What do you mean Gin?"

"Well, um, you know."

"No I don't. Just tell me."

"I think what Ginny is trying to say Ron is that you don't think that Harry would attempt suicide do you?" Hermione leant across the table and said this last remark very quietly. So quietly that only Ron, Ginny and Neville heard.

Ron looked from Ginny to Hermione. He was thinking hard.

Harry would never do that would he? No. This is Harry we're talking about. Happy, loving, smiling, Harry.

'oh but he isn't like that anymore' a nasty voice argued in his head. 'He's depressed, withdrawn, he wasn't sleeping, wasn't eating. He wouldn't even talk to people if it wasn't necessary.

Ron stood up quickly from his chair and ran out of the hall, ignoring the calls he was getting from the girls and the odd stares from the other students and teachers.

Harry got up from the bed and walked over to his trunk. He opened it and started unpacking his things. He piled his books on his desk and started unloading his potions ingredients in his bedside cabinet. He picked up the small scalpel he had to dissect things with. He looked at it, watching the light of the fading sun shine across the razor sharp blade. All the pain he had been feeling since Sirius died came flooding back. He wanted to end it. He was sick of living his life. It seemed as though everything good that had happened to him always got ripped away. Who would be next? Ron? Hermione? He felt so guilty for what happened to Sirius. It should have been him.

"Wouldn't everyone have been better of if I had died as a child?" he whispered to himself as he placed the blade on his arm.

He didn't even fully decide to do it. He just pushed down on the blade to test it out. He gasped in pain as a small amount of blood trickled down his arm. He pushed harder and drew it along his arm, causing the skin to rip open and more blood to trickle down onto his school robes. He lifter the scalpel off and grabbed the nearest piece of clothing he had. He placed the blue shirt on the cut and pressed down hard. All the pain that he had felt all of a sudden had gone away. Vanished. He smiled sadistically as he lifted the shirt to see it was already getting soaked in blood.

He looked up quickly as he heard footsteps running up the stairs. He shoved the shirt and scalpel under his pillow as Ron entered the room.

"Hey Ron. What's up?"

"Nothing." Ron panted, with a look of relief on his face. "Nothing at all."

Harry raised his eyebrows at Ron.

"Why'd you run up here like that then?"

"Oh, I wanted to keep you company."

Harry stood up and walked across the room to his trunk. He opened it and grabbed his pyjamas.

"I'm afraid I'm not going to be much company. I'm going to bed." Harry said, pulling on his pyjamas. "I'm going to bed."

Harry crawled into bed, pulling the covers around him. He could feel the blood seeping through his pyjama top already.

"Ok then Harry. Sleep well."

Ron exited the room, casting one last look at his friend. There was something odd there. He seemed different some how. Not himself.

Ron walked down to the common room. He sat in an armchair in front of the roaring fire, sighing when he saw the remains of the apple burning away. He looked hopefully at the portrait hole. Hoping the feast would end soon. He needed to talk to the girls.


	4. Unforgivables, Talks and Towers

**Chapter Four**

Un-forgivables, talks and towers. 

Harry sat up quickly and looked around the pitch-black room. He could here voices, but couldn't make out whom they were. He stood up from his bed and walked across the room, his arms out stretched in front of him. His hands connected with someone, and immediately light flooded into the room. He squinted his eyes, trying to adjust them to the harsh light. He looked up into the face of the person who he stumbled into and his eyes widened in shock when he saw who it was. Bellatrix was standing there with her wand stuck out in front of her. She looked at Harry and smiled that evil smile of hers. She turned and faced her opponent and cried out a simply "stupefy." The spell connected with the man, who was not expecting to be stunned. He slowly started falling backwards and Harry's eyes welled up in tears as he saw Sirius falling through the veil again.

Harry turned slowly around to Bellatrix, not caring about the tears that were threatening to pour down his cheeks.

He felt the anger reach breaking point inside him. He stepped forward, pulling out his wand and pointing it at her.

"Oh Harry sweetie. Are you going to do another un-forgivable on me? You know you can go to Azkaban for that dear."

He didn't even decide to do it, but she was standing there smiling that mocking smile of hers and he couldn't stand it. He raised his wand slightly and cried out "Crucio."

Bellatrix withered on the ground, screaming at the top of her lungs in pain. He lifted his wand, breaking the contact and the spell.

"What was it you said Bella?" Harry said, taking a step forward. "You have to mean them? Well I think that that just showed that I meant it. Don't you think? Or would you like another demonstration?"

"If you feel like you are capable of another demonstration Potter, then by all means go right ahead."

Harry raised his wand again and repeated that deadly word. "Crucio."

Again Bellatrix screamed out in pain. Harry held the curse until she was almost going to pass out from the pain before he let it off.

"See Bella. Don't you ever believe that I am not capable of something. Because I'll do it just to prove you wrong."

"So that's why you're doing this then huh? Because you're proving your point? It has nothing to do with revenge? Or the fact that I just killed your beloved godfather?"

"How dare you." Harry spat, taking another step towards her.

"How dare I what? Mention him? He's my cousin Potter. Or should I say was?"

"You bitch." Harry stepped forward again, raising his foot and kicking her hard in the jaw with his boot.

He raised his wand again, yelling "Crucio" at the top of his lungs.

He could here people calling his name behind him but he didn't care. All he wanted to do was cause this pathetic excuse for a human pain.

He lifted the curse off her. Raising his wand high above his head. He heard running footsteps behind him. He glared at Bellatrix with his eyes full of such hatred. He swished the wand down, and began to say that curse. The one that was responsible for so many deaths.

"Avada Ke.." He stoped short when he saw a hand being placed on his arm. He turned and was face to face with none other then Remus Lupin.

"Harry what are you doing?" Remus asked, looking at him with sincerity in his pale eyes.

Harry wrenched his arm out of Remus' grip.

"What the fuck does it look like I'm doing?" Harry walked away from Remus and towards Bellatrix. Bellatrix looked up at him with fear evident in her eyes.

"Harry killing her will not bring him back."

Harry turned back around and saw that the room was full of the people that were at the department of mysteries that fateful night. Without even thinking Harry raised his arm and with a flick of his hand the people were blown from the room. He flicked his hand again, causing the door to slam shut and lock. He raised his wand and yelled "Stupefy" and Remus fell, stunned to the floor, only inches from the opening of the veil. He turned again and looked back to Bellatrix. She was standing now, panting hard from the torture that he had just put her through. He raised his wand, smiling sadistically at her.

"Avada Kedavra." She fell to the floor dead.

Harry suddenly sat up in bed with sweat drenching his entire body. He sighed with relief when he realised that it was a dream.

"Just a dream." He whispered to himself.

He looked over at his bedside table. His clock read 5.30am. He sighed again, knowing that if he tried to get back to sleep he would not be able to do so.

He stood up and walked over to the window. He could see the sun begin to peek up from over the hill.

He decided that it might be nice to go for a morning walk.

He wandered down the spiral staircase and into the common room. He was almost at the portrait hole when he heard a voice behind him.

"Hey Harry, where you going?"

Harry jumped, not expecting to see anyone in the common room at this hour.

"Hey Neville. What are you doing up at this hour?"

"I could ask you the same thing."

"Oh, I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep. What about you?"

"Same. Where are you going?"

"For a walk." Harry said, turning back to the portrait hole. "Want to come?"

"Yeah okay." Neville stood up and followed Harry out the portrait hole.

They wandered in silence down the many halls and staircases leading them to the entrance hall. Harry heaved the big door open, and they walked out into the fresh morning.

They walked over to the lake in silence, their shoes flicking the water off the bright green grass.

"Um Harry?" Neville asked nervously.

"Mmmm?"

"Can I talk to you about something?"

"Yeah sure."

They walked up to the edge of the lake; Harry sat down on one of the many rocks lining the shore. Neville sat besides him.

He opened his mouth a few times, closing it again before any words came out.

"Neville what's up?"

"What I'm about to talk to you about Harry are probably going to be hard on you. To talk about what I need to talk about I'm going to have to mention Bellatrix."

"Oh."

"Harry I'm-"

"No Neville. It's ok. Talk to me."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah."

"Okay then." Neville stood up and walked over to the side of the lake. He picked up a pile of pebbles and started skimming them across the water.

"Seeing her there, at the department of mysteries was hard. Her being the one that, you know. Made my parents like they are. I never thought that I could actually hate someone you know? Hate is such a strong feeling, such a bad feeling. Yet here I am, hating her with everything I have."

Neville turned to Harry. Throwing all the pebbles in the lake, causing little waves to splash out.

"Am I a horrible person Harry? To hate someone. To want them to die. I want her to die. Slowly and painfully too. Isn't that just horrible?"

Harry stood up. Walked over to the lake and stood on the edge, staring at it as the surface began to settle with his hands in his pockets.

"Neville I don't think you're a horrible person. I hate her too. And I hate Peter Pettigrew. And Voldemort."

Harry turned and looked Neville in the eye.

"Neville if I tell you something do you promise not to tell anyone? And I mean no one."

"Yeah."

"It's bad Neville. Really bad."

"Harry you can tell me."

"Okay. Well do you remember how at the department of mysteries how I chased after her when she left the room?"

"Yeah."

"Yeah, well. Um. I chased her up to the entrance right. And I was there and she was taunting me about Sirius. You know the man that fell through the veil? That was my godfather. Everyone thought that he sold my parents to Voldemort, but it was Peter. Anyway, she was taunting me about him and before I even knew what I was doing I cursed her."

"What's so bad about that?"

"Actually I shouldn't tell you."

"Why?"

"You wouldn't understand."

Harry turned and started walking back to the castle.

"It was the Cruciatus curse wasn't it?" Neville asked quietly from behind Harry.

Harry stopped in his tracks.

"What makes you think that?" He asked without turning around.

"Because you said I wouldn't understand, and that is the one curse that you could do to her that you wouldn't be able to tell me as that's what she used to torture my mum and dad."

Harry turned and looked at Neville.

"Well? Am I right?" Neville asked, looking at Harry with an expressionless face.

"What if you are?"

"Harry she murdered your godfather, I cant say I blame you for doing that to her."

"It doesn't matter anyway. It didn't work. I apparently didn't mean it enough."

With that Harry turned and walked back to the castle, ignoring Neville's calls back to him.

He wandered through the halls, occasionally getting odd looks from the portraits.

He walked up a flight of stairs and rounded a corner, running directly into another person.

"My, my Potter. Out of bed a little early don't we think?"

"It's after 6 Professor Snape, I'm allowed out."

"Yes well let's just hope that you don't get into trouble on your first day."

"I wont."

Harry walked around professor Snape and headed towards the astronomy tower stairs.

He walked up the circular staircase, letting him legs carry him aimlessly around. He walked over to the side of the tower and sat with his legs dangling over the edge.

He sighed. He had just admitted one of the things that had been eating away at his soul all summer.

'Oh Merlin.' Harry thought. 'What is Neville going to think about me now?'

He sighed again, standing up and looking down over the edge of the tower. He stepped backwards and started to turn around.

"Thank Merlin. I thought you were going to jump." A voice suddenly said behind him. He turned quickly, and looked at Luna.

"Oh Luna don't be stupid. I wouldn't do that."

"If you say so." She said. She turned around and started walking off down the stairs.

Harry frowned after her. She really was weird that girl.

Harry looked once more over the edge of the tower then turning he headed off to the great hall for breakfast.


	5. Secret Thoughts and Insomnia

**Chapter Five.**

**Secret Thoughts and Insomnia. **

"Oh no, no, no, NO." Harry was sitting at the Gryffindor table looking at the piece of toast that he, along with all his friends, knew he should be eating.

"What is it Ron?" Harry asked, placing his toast back on the plate. Ron was on his left, he had been complaining and was now banging his head against the table.

Ron turned to look at him, a red line across the top of his forehead. He moved his mouth up and down, unable to speak.

Harry raised his eyebrows at him. Ron seemed to be acting like the world was ending. He shrugged, looking away from Ron to his timetable.

"Oh no." Harry said. The world was ending it seemed. They had double potions first.

Ron groaned again from Harry's side.

"Oh come on." Hermione said, obviously exasperated. "It's not really that bad. It should be fun. We'll be learning to make potions we create from scratch this year. I can't wait. And Ron if you didn't want to put up with this then why did you choose it?"

"Mum would've killed me if I hadn't."

"Well let's get going shall we?" Harry said, standing up.

"But you haven't eaten." Hermione pointed out.

"I'll eat a big lunch, besides-" Harry added as Hermione opened her mouth to debate. "We'll be late if we don't get going."

The three teenagers left the great hall silently. The two boys dreading where they were headed.

Two hours later the trio walked out of the potions lab. They had managed to get 60 points taken from Gryffindor in the lesson.

"Honestly how was I supposed to know that powdered boomslang skin, and spiders didn't mix? Put it in a mixture of veritaserum with powdered unicorn horn and Boom." Ron queried as they ascended up the stairs.

"Ron, you should listen to professor Snape more often if you expect to pass your N.E.W.T.S or even make it into potions next year." Hermione said, shaking her head slightly at the tall boys mistake.

"I listened. I just didn't listen."

Hermione stopped walking briefly, staring at Ron with her eyebrows deeply furrowed. "Huh?"

"Oh never mind."

"I think what Ron is trying to say Hermione, is that he listened to the instructions, he just didn't apply them to what he was doing."

"I knew that, I was simply just emphasizing how idiotic it sounded."

"Hey its Ron, Herms. Of course it'll be idiotic."

Ron stopped and turned to Harry, who was walking beside him. Hermione on the other side of Ron could only just see the light smile that was playing on Harry's mouth.

Ron opened his mouth to argue but Hermione nudged him with her elbow.

"He's smiling Ron, leave it." She whispered, her hot breath sending involuntary shivers down Ron's back.

Ron turned to Hermione, looking her up and down. Thankfully she was still looking at Harry and therefore didn't notice Ron's wondering eyes.

They walked up a staircase, and rounded a corner. Ahead of them they saw the other sixth year Gryffindors waiting outside the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom.

"Well this should be fun. We get to meet our new teacher." Hermione said, her excitement obvious.

"Weren't they at dinner last night?" Harry asked, as they entered the classroom.

"Nope. Dumbledore said they would be arriving this morning. We're there first class apparently. Lucky teacher, they get the first lesson of on a Monday." Ron said, taking a seat in the front row.

Harry sat beside him, wondering who their teacher could possibly be.

"Well whoever it is, they're late." Harry said, looking at his watch. "It's already five past eleven."

"Ok Snape, where's Harry." Ron said with a gawk on his face.

"I'm just saying that first impressions count, unfortunately, and he's late."

"She." Hermione corrected. "Dumbledore wouldn't give us the name but apparently it's a girl."

"Oh yay. Another Umbridge." Harry moaned.

The door opened and an elderly woman entered the room.

"Blimey she must be older then Dumbledore" Ron said as the lady started the slow walk to her desk. She slumped exhausted into the seat. She pulled out the register and started to call out names. When she finished she looked around the room. A grin plastered on her face.

"Well then. Hello. I have heard that this group is one of the best in the school. Tell my Mr Potter are you planing on reinstating the D.A this year?"

Harry was slightly taken aback by this comment, but didn't show it. He looked into her eyes and smiled when he recognised the eyes. He had seen them before. He knew this teacher wasn't whom she seemed to be.

"Well that depends."

"On?"

"On your teaching abilities."

"Harry" Hermione whispered beside him.

The teacher smiled again.

"Good answer. I hope I prove to be good enough."

"You look like one good hex would finish you off." Ron said.

"Ron" Hermione scolded, obviously shocked at the two boys behaviour.

The teacher rounded on him, another smile on her face.

"Oh how I love playing with you Ron. You, Harry and Hermione. You're the easy one to fool. Although I don't believe miss Granger has recognised me although I daresay Mr Potter has."

"Am I supposed to know you?" Ron asked.

"Why yes. I'm quite offended actually."

"Um, Professor. I'm afraid we've never seen you before." Hermione said nervously.

"Oh Merlin Tonks, just change." Harry said in frustration.

Tonks smiled before morphing back into her usual self. With purple hair, and bright blue eyes.

The class gasped when this happened.

"Ah, so not many of you have seen at metamorphmagus before?"

Hermione looked at Harry, a bit annoyed that she hadn't realised who Tonks was.

"Well let's begin shall we. Today we are going to be doing a little quiz to see how much you all know about defending yourselves. Now don't worry, I wont be grading them, I simply want to see how much you have learned with those pathetic teachers you've had. Excluding Professor Lupin of course." At this last remark, a soft blush rose to Tonks cheeks.

"Yes. Well here you go." Tonks flicked her wand and the papers all flew across the room. Each one successfully missing the desk it was aimed for.

"Oh dear. Im getting clumsier by the day." Tonks sighed, and sat at her desk. Resting her head on her desk.

An hour later the class exited the room, placing their papers on the sleeping teachers desk.

They walked in silence towards the great hall, Harry dreading it more with every step. He knew he would have to eat something. He hadn't eaten anything since the going away dinner Mrs Weasley held the night before last.

They entered the great hall and walked towards were Ginny was sitting. Harry stoped when he took a look at her. The sun from the ceiling was reflecting on her long hair, making it shine. She was smiling at Neville who sat across from her and she looked… Beautiful.

Harry shook his head. I Come on man, that's Ron's little sister. /I 

Harry started walking again, and sat down across from Ginny, next to Neville. He started to load his plate and could feel the eyes of Ron, Hermione and Ginny on him. He sat back, picked up his fork and slowly took a bite. He inwardly sighed, as he tasted the stuff that was meant to be food.

The afternoon passed quickly for Harry. He had Care of Magical Creatures, Charms then Transfiguration. He managed to force down a plateful of food for dinner and that was the reason why he ended up in the sixth year boy's bathroom throwing up his lunch and dinner.

He walked out into the supposedly empty dorm and slumped on his bed.

"You ok Harry?" Dean called out from across the room.

"Merlin Dean, you scared the shit out of me. I thought the dorm was empty."

"Oh, nah. Sorry."

"Oh no don't be. You have no reason to be."

Harry lay back on his bed, sinking into his pillows. He audibly sighed as he saw the picture of his parents on his bedside table.

"You are alright though aren't you Harry?" Dean asked concerned.

"Why do you ask?"

"Well you just threw up and well, you don't look particularly happy."

"Would you be happy if you just vomited?"

"Oh, I suppose not."

"I'm fine Dean. Really I am." Harry stood and walked to his truck. He quickly changed into his pyjamas.

"Night Dean." He said, pulling the curtains shut.

"Goodnight.

Harry lay in his bed, snuggling up to his pillow and duvet. It was only 9pm so he wasn't very tired but he didn't feel like talking to anyone right now.

He closed his eyes. Maybe if he tried hard enough he'd be able to will himself to sleep.

He unconsciously began to drown out the noises coming from the stairs. He vaguely heard the door open when Ron, Neville and Seamus entered the room. He could hear their voices talking quietly to each other. They were soothing in a way.

He smiled as he pulled the duvet cover up higher. He was very close to sleeping now.

He watched through his closed eyelids as the day's events began to unfold. He remembered Snape's face as he took the points from Gryffindor. He remembered the gasps from his classmates as they saw Tonks morph. He remembered Ginny's beautiful smile as she… I No Harry. You can't think of her like that. /I 

He willed himself to think of something else. He opened his eyes and they landed on the picture of his parents smiling faces. Once again he saw Sirius falling through the veil.

"No." He said, sitting up quickly. He pulled back the duvet as he felt a fresh wave of vomit attempting to get out.

He ran to the bathroom and only just made it.

"Merlin I hate throwing up." Harry whispered as he headed to the sink. He splashed his face with water.

He walked back into the dorm, and was surprised to hear that the other four were asleep.

He sunk down onto his bed and put his head in his hands. Remembering what had occurred 24 hours previously, he rolled up his sleeve.

Before even deciding to do it, Harry had the scalpel in his hand and was once again sliding it across his arm, spilling the blood onto the duvet.

He felt tears falling down his cheeks as he cut himself again. He didn't even know how come every time he cut himself the pain and anguish he was feeling would instantly vanish.

He sank back into his pillows with a sigh. It was going to be a long night.

Hours passed and still Harry was awake. He felt hopeless. His arms were bloody messes; with cuts all up each one. He had silently cried hundreds of tears. He hadn't gone down to the common room at the risk of meeting a fellow Gryffindor. He didn't think he'd make the best of company right now.

He sat at his desk, looking at the letter he knew he had written yet couldn't believe it at the same time. He hadn't even realised he was writing it till he had. He silently read over what he wrote.

Firstly I'd like to apologise to whoever found my body. I'm so sorry. I cannot imagine what that would have been like. I imagine that there would have been a lot of blood. So again, I'm sorry.

Oh fuck this. I'm always doing something wrong aren't I? Even after my death I'm apologising. Fuck. I hate myself so much. What is there to love about me? I'm 16 bloody years old and have never heard the words I love you said to me directly.

Sure my parents probably would have said it to me, but I cannot remember that. I only have one memory of my parents. The night they died. Every night when I go to sleep, I hear my father telling my mother to take me and run. Then I hear mum pleading with him to spare me and take her. Then I see this flash of green light. And that's it. I see Cedric dropping to the ground after that voice. "Kill the spare". I see Sirius falling through that fucking veil. I as good as killed him. I presented him with his death on silver bloody platter. Great person that makes me.

I know that you guys (the ones who went with me to the ministry, I can never thank you enough for that.) you all say that it isn't my fault but deep down, you know it is. I may as well as held that wand.

Hermione. Oh Merlin. You're my sister. I love you so much, and I know what I am about to do is selfish and not fair for anyone, but I have to do this. I can't stand to live. I've done too many things wrongly. I've fucked up big time. Hermione I never wanted to hurt you. Like I said, you're my sister. When you were hit with that purple spell I thought you were dead. If you had died that night then I would've gone after Sirius through that veil. You've been a true friend to me, and I should've listened to you more. But hey. The past is the past right? I'm sorry that I was your friend. I've caused you so much pain and grief. The world would've been better if I hadn't have been born. At least my mother and father would be still alive…Probably.

Ron, if Hermione is my sister then you are my brother. I do love you. And it was so dangerous to have you guys there with me that fateful night. It's amazing how things work out. I went to the ministry to save a person who wasn't even there. Then he showed up 'cause I was there and got killed. Ironic in a way isn't it? Again I'm sorry. You would have been better off without me in your life. Then at least you could have Percy still in your life. I know you think Percy can go get fucked, but Ron he's your brother. You have a choice to have him in your life. I don't have a choice to have certain people in my life. Please Ron. Don't make the wrong decision.

Ginny. I know this is a weird for you to read. Believe me when I say it was weird to write. I've decided I'm in love with you. I know this is very sudden. But when I saw you sitting with that gorgeous smile on your beautiful face, the sun gleaming off your hair. I knew that I have loved you for years. Merlin Ginny. How could I have been so stupid to not realise that? I'm so sorry. I know you used to have a crush on me. What did you see in me? Something that I'm not. I'm not a hero Gin. Never was, never will be. And this stupid prophecy that Voldemort wanted, makes me out to be one. You want to know what happened after Sirius fell through that veil? I chased Bellatrix out of that room, all the way up to the foyer. There I saw her, and I duelled her. I performed an unforgivable on her. The cruciatus curse. I wanted to cause her pain. To make her suffer the way I already was suffering inside. I loved Sirius so much, and I never told him that. He never knew. If Lupin hadn't have held me back. I would have died. What a few months difference?

Bellatrix wanted the prophecy that I had on me. The prophecy that smashed during our duel. Voldemort showed up just after I announced to her that it had smashed. They weren't very happy. Then Dumbledore showed up. Him and Voldemort duelled, Voldemort possessed me then he ended up leaving, after he realised that duelling wasn't going to get him anywhere. Dumbledore took me back to school and there we had a talk in his office. It turned out he was the one that professor Trelawny had made the prophecy to. She made another real one when I was in third year. About Wormtail and Voldemort. Anyways back to the prophecy. "The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches… born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies… and the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have the power the Dark Lord knows not… and either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives… The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord will be born as the seventh month dies."

There. I'm the one to defeat him. Well that obviously isn't going to happen so why bother trying? I'll die anyway. I know that this is a selfish thing to do, but the way I see it is I'll be dead. And dead people don't feel guilt.

I love you guys. Please remember that. Never give up on one another. You all deserve to be loved. You all deserve more then I can ever give you by being in your life. Please just live. Don't remember me. Don't grieve for me. Don't cry for me. I'm not worth your time or your feelings. I'm nothing.

From Harry James Potter.

Harry sighed. He didn't even know half the things he had just written. He turned his head quickly as sun came streaming into his window. His friends would be up soon.

He put the letter away in his bedside table and went and got ready for the day. It was going to be a long day.


	6. Confusion

**Chapter Six.**

**Confusion.**

The weeks passed quickly and before anyone even realised it, it was the first game of the quidditch season. Gryffindor versus Ravenclaw. The Gryffindor team sat nervously in the change rooms, Katie Bell pacing in front of them all trying to find her voice.

Harry took a look at his teammates. He believed that this was a good team. They had Ron as Keeper again. Himself as seeker. Two new boys for beaters. Jason Phillips and John Derner. They were good though. They almost were as good as Fred and George. They had both been playing at home as beaters for years. Then there were the chasers. Katie Bell, Ginny and Kyra Welsh. Kyra was a pretty girl. With dark blonde hair and bright blue eyes. Harry had only met her a few weeks ago at the try-outs and he was immediately attracted to her. He had had many debates inside his head about his feelings. He decided that although he said he was in love with Ginny in that letter, maybe he wasn't. All he knew is that whenever he looked at her his heart rate sped up, his voice caught in his throat and he couldn't stop staring. She was dating Dean anyway. But what is love anyway? He had never heard the words "I love you" yet here he was confessing his love to someone whom he hardly knew. Life was confusing.

"We've got a relatively new team here today. There are only a few of us who have played a match together before," the captain, Katie Bell started.

"But we do have good players and we have determination. We will be able to win this match. I have faith that we will. Even though the Ravenclaw's do have a good team, we have a better team. Ok."

Katie looked at each team member individually before starting her speech up again.

"Guys, Im not Oliver Wood. I can't be him. I can't do speeches. All I know is that we have a kick-ass team and we are going to knock their socks off. So lets get out there and milk it for all its worth."

She took off out the door. The other team members looked at each other, puzzled by Katie's speech.

"She's is definitely not Wood." Harry said standing up.

"Come on Guys," he said, walking out the door and onto the Quidditch pitch. He was getting the normal nervous feeling he got when he walked out onto the field.

They all took their positions behind Katie as she shook hands with the Ravenclaw captain Cho Chang.

Madam Hooch walked over to the chest of balls.

"Take your positions." She put a hand on the latch.

"Now a nice clean and fair game is expected." She opened the latch. The balls were released. The players kicked off from the ground. Harry rose up higher then the other players. He felt the wind ruffle his hair as he glided along. He smiled as he started circling the pitch, looking for that golden snitch. He could see the Gryffindor chasers below, passing the Quaffle back and forth at a fantastic speed.

"And here we have Welsh with the quaffle, and she passes to Weasley who ducks a bludger belted at her by the Ravenclaw beater Jenkins. Bell comes behind the goal, speeds through the posts and under the Ravenclaw keeper. Weasley passes to Bell. Bell scores. 10-0 Gryffindor." Lee Jordan was once again commenting on the game.

Harry continued his circling. He knew they were going to win the match. They had 'accidentally' watched the last Ravenclaw practice. The team was falling apart.

'So much for Cho being a good captain' Harry thought, his eyes focused on one particular chaser. He saw the determined look in her eye as she ducked around a bludger. She sped up, going faster and faster towards the goal, ducking around players and balls. She got right in front of the goal, went to throw into the right goal, but at the last minute changed and went left. The keeper went right and she scored.

"Yes, Welsh has scored for Gryffindor. 90-30 Gryffindor."

'Wow,' thought Harry. 'We're going good.'

He began his circling again, noticing that Cho was on his tail. He caught a glimpse of gold and almost went into a dive, when he realised it was just Katie's earring.

Ginny grabbed the Quaffle out of a Phelps' arm and started speeding towards the goal. She passed to Katie, who in return passed to Kyra. Kyra came up besides Ginny and passed the quaffle to her. Ginny sped towards the goal. Katie fell back. It was just Ginny and Kyra now. The keeper flew left, right in front of Ginny. There was no way she could make the goal. Kyra was open, and right beside her. The keeper hadn't noticed. She was about to pass when she remembered the way Harry was looking at her during the practises. Even though she was dating Dean, she was still secretly in love with Harry.

She sighed, and quickly tossed the quaffle to Kyra. Now was not the time for competition with your own team mates.

Harry was looking desperately around for the snitch. They had been playing for 90 minutes and Harry was getting sick of sitting on his firebolt.

He looked over at the Ravenclaw goals. He could see one of their beaters swinging a bludger towards Katie. He saw a glint near his arm. He squinted, trying to see if it was just a watch. He lowered his arm. The glint was still there.

Harry dove down, and flew right around Katie as she headed towards the goal. He sped past Ginny who let out a shriek as he past. He raised his hand, leant forward and wrapt his fingers around the fluttering snitch.

He smiled as most of the crowed started cheering, drowning out the boo's from few Ravenclaws and most of the Slytherins.

"And Harry Potter has the snitch. Gryffindor wins. 270 – 90."

Hours later the Gryffindor common room was filled with people. Fifths years and above. There was a wireless radio, that had been bewitched to work at Hogwarts, filling the room with the weird sisters. A lot of people were dancing and drinking butterbeer. Everyone was having a nice time.

The quidditch team was over in front of the fire, with Hermione, Lavender, Parvati, Dean, Neville and Seamus. Ron had an empty bottle of butterbeer in his hand and Ginny was grinning mischievously at it.

"Hey guys. How many of you have heard of spin the bottle?"

Everyone had except for Dean, Lavender and Neville who had grown up in pure wizard families.

"Ok, well this is how it goes. Everyone sits in a circle and one person takes an empty bottle." She grabbed the bottle from Ron.

"The place it in the middle of the circle and spin it. If it lands on someone from your own sex then you spin again, if it lands on someone who is of the opposite sex then you have to pash him or her. After the kiss you pass the bottle to the person on your right. Understood. Good. Who's playing?"

All the people that were sitting by the fire ended up sitting around the circle. Although Neville, Harry and Hermione needed a bit of convincing. It must have been the small amount of alcohol from the butterbeers that got them all to play.

"Ok, who wants the bottle first." Ginny said, waving the bottle around.

"Hmm, no takers. Ok fine. I'll pick."

She turned to Harry who was on her left. She passed him the bottle.

"Congrats seeker, you got the snitch, now you get first turn."

Harry blushed a brilliant shade of red.

"Um, no. Here Katie. You take it."

With a quiet fine, Katie grabbed the bottle from him. She placed it in the middle, and with a nervous grin spun it. It stopped, neck of the bottle pointing towards Dean.

Ginny looked at him with her eyebrows raised.

Dean looked at her, with a uncertain look on his face.

"Ok, you can pash her, but don't complain when I'm snogging with your best mate ok?"

Seamus blushed at this.

Dean leant across the circle uncertainly. Katie grabbed his face and pulled him in for a pash.

There were wolf whistles from all around the room.

Dean pulled out, looking exceptionally red and passed the bottle to Ginny.

Ginny silently crossed her fingers behind her back, hoping that she could pash Harry.

She spun the bottle. It slowed down, and landed… right next to Harry to Neville.

Neville looked about ready to faint. All the colour drained out of his face.

"Ok come here Nev."

After the pash, he passed the bottle to Harry.

Harry sighed. He was going to end up pashing one of his best friends.

He placed it in the middle of the circle, his heart beating in his chest. He screwed up his face as he remembered his last kiss with Cho.

'I wonder what it'll be like kissing a girl that's not crying.'

He watched the bottle as it went slower and slower. It pulled up at Kyra.

They locked eyes. Each had wanted to do this since tryouts. Harry shrugged.

"The hell with it." He said, causing everyone, but Ginny to laugh.

They leant it, her face inching closer to his. They were so close now. He could actually smell her beautiful hair. He picked up a hand and placed it on the back of her head, pulling her in for the kiss.

He could feel the eyes of the whole room on him as his eyes closed and their lips touched. He felt her tongue on his lips, begging for them to open. He parted them letting her tongue slip into his mouth. She brought her hand up to his hair and ran her fingers through it. Sending shivers down his back.

They heard someone cough, and they parted. Each a shade of red from embarrassment and lack of oxygen.

Kyra passed the bottle to Hermione.

After blushing a shade of red Hermione placed the bottle in the middle of the circle, spinning it softly.

It landed on Ron.

They leant in, Hermione's cheeks as red as Ron's ears. They were mere inches apart.

"What in Merlin's name is going on here."

The whole group jumped as Professor McGonagall rounded in on the.

"Honestly. And from the Quidditch captain and two prefects as well. You should all be ashamed of yourselves. Off to bed. The lot of you. Oh yes, and 50 points from Gryffindor."

The room quietly and quickly emptied out.

Up in the dorm the sixth year boys silently hopped into bed. Dean, Neville and Harry each happier then before. And Ron not so happy.

They all fell asleep rather quickly. Each hoping to dream about the girls they liked.


	7. Mirrors and Revelations

**Chapter Seven.**

**Mirrors and Revelations. **

Harry Potter woke with a start. His breath was quick and shallow. His body was uncomfortably covered in a thin layer of sweat.

Harry had been waking up each morning from the same repetitive dream that had been disturbing his sleep since the first day of school.

He couldn't call it a nightmare because a nightmare is supposed to scare you. This dream left Harry with such feelings of happiness and relaxation that he didn't think he'd ever be worried about anything again. This is what scared him. Why did he feel so happy after these dreams?

So for the umpteenth time this term Harry Potter was standing in the bathroom during the early hours of the morning, staring at his reflection in the hope that it will proved him with the answers he so desperately needed.

"What's the matter kid? Why do you seem to think that I'll be able to provide you with all the answers you need?" His reflection suddenly stated.

Harry was frozen there in shock, just staring himself in the eye.

"Well don't just stand there skinny."

Harry frowned, then quickly looked over his shoulder as if expecting to see someone behind him.

"Merlin you're even dumber then you look. God you're pathetic. You're nothing you know. You will never amount to anything. Do you honestly believe that you can fulfil that prophecy? You can't do it on your own. And no one is going to want to help you."

"Dumbledore will help me. And so will Ron and Hermione and the Weasleys." Harry had finally found his voice.

"You think they love you? They don't. They think you're a pathetic loser like the rest of the world. It's true though isn't it?"

Harry turned quickly, looking his reflection in the eye.

"You're wrong."

"Am I? You know I'm not. You're nothing. Voldemort will kill you and you'll bring down the rest of the wizarding world with you."

"No." Harry whispered, taking a step forward.

"You're a pathetic murdering liar."

"No."

"If it wasn't for you Sirius would still be alive. Cedric would still be alive. Your parents would still be alive. You killed them all."

"No." Harry's voice was barely audible.

"You will bring down all of your friends. All the people you care about. Voldemort will torture each one to the last ounce of their lives then kill them in the most brutal way he can think of. Then he'll do the same to you, knowing you cant continue on without them."

"He won't. I wont let him."

"Yeah, you and what army? As soon as they find out about the prophecy they will leave you. They won't want to put themselves or their families in danger."

Harry took a deep sharp breath and looked briefly around the room before turning back to his reflection.

"Besides," Said the reflection in a singsong sort of voice. "Your nothing. Your pathetic. A danger to everyone."

Harry stepped forward and with a scream of frustration raised his fist and slammed it into the mirror.

Harry watched the shards tinker to the ground as if watching in slow motion. He could see the specks of blood that came from his hand, against the gleaming of the mirrors. He picked up a broken piece and placed it on his wrist, slicing it deeply across. He gasped out in pain and held onto the end of the sink as he nearly stumbled. Upon regaining composure he put the glass in his other hand and sliced across his right wrist.

Harry turned quickly at the noise of the door opening behind him. Ron was standing there, framed in t doorway. Harry could make out Neville, Seamus and Dean all standing in the background. The four of them all had looks of concern plastered on their faces.

I 'Great', Harry thought. 'Just what I need. More pity.' /I 

Ron's' eyes widened as he took in the room. His eyes travelled from the floor up to Harry's eyes. The pain behind them was nearly unbearable and Ron so desperately wanted to help ebb that pain out of his eyes. His face was res and his cheeks were streaked with silent tears that had escaped his emerald eyes.

Ron's eyes moved silently down Harry's body and took in his bleeding fist. He went to move forward when he saw a glitter form on the bit of mirror held in Harry's hand. His mouth fell open as he saw the steady dripping running down Harry's hand and falling silently to the floor. He could see that Harry's pyjamas were getting soaked at the wrist with blood.

That was when he realised that he had currently lost his friend. But he was going to do anything to try and help him through this inner torment he must be going through.

Ron turned and closed the door behind him. He walked over to the towel racks and pulled a deep red one off. He walked over to Harry and paused right in front of him, worried about what his reaction might be.

Ron cautiously moved his hand down to Harry's and pried the mirror piece out of it. He carefully grabbed Harry's hand with his, his eyes never leaving his friends.

He pulled up his arm and slowly pulled back the pyjamas. He looked down briefly at the cut and he felt a lump form in his throat as he saw all the other scars from Harry's previous cutting times. Ron placed the towel over the fresh wound and pressed down. He held Harry's arm there even after he flinched at the pain on his wrist.

"Harry?" Ron asked, a bit nervous about what to do with his friend. Harry looked so… cold and hard.

"Mmm?" Harry replied, raising his eyebrows.

"Harry," Ron repeated. "I think it might be best if you and I go and visit madam Pomphrey."

Harry wrenched his arm out of Ron's grip. "Are you insane?" He hissed. "If I go and see her then all the teachers are going to know and they'll all want to talk. No I'm not going to see her."

"Harry I don't know how to heal you." Ron said, as Harry began pacing.

"Ron do you think I want to be healed?"

"Harry Im not just going to stand around and let you bleed to death. I'm going to go get Hermione."

"No." Harry ran across the room and stood in front of the door. "Ron please, don't do this. Please."

"Harry, you need help, you –"

"Oh jeez thanks Ron. Fucking hell. Ron, Oh Merlin." Harry looked at Ron, desperation evident on his face.

"Harry, just let me get Hermione. Please Harry."

"Fine. Fine. Go get her. It's not like I care anymore."

"Harry, hang in there."

Ron stepped out of the room and into the dormitory. He looked around and realised it was empty.

"Just great." Ron muttered as he walked quickly through the empty room. He was worried that the boys would be spreading rumours down in the common room. He opened the door and ran down the stairs. He entered the common room and took a look around. The boys weren't anywhere in sight.

Ron looked down at his watch. 7.30. There weren't any classes on yet, and breakfast didn't start till 8.

Ron sighed and looked up at the girls staircase. He could set the alarm off so that he could get a girl to get Hermione.

Ron took a deep breath and placed a foot on the staircase. It didn't move. He took another step and waited. Nothing. Letting his breath out he started running up the stairs. He moved up another three before the staircase changed into a slide.

"Damn." Ron muttered.

He heard someone sliding down the slide and looked up from his position on the floor to see Ginny.

"Oh Ginny thank Merlin it's you. Go get Hermione."

"Who died and made you boss?" Ginny asked, standing up from the ground.

Ron heaved himself off the floor and Ginny stared at him, her eyes wide with shock.

"Ron you're bleeding." She said, pointing to the big splotches of blood on his shirt.

"No Ginny, its not mine. But please go and get Hermione."

"Who's is it?"

"Ginny just go." Ron yelled.

"Do not take that tone with me, I want to know who's bleeding."

"Shit Ginny. Ok. It's Harry. Now go get Hermione."

"Why's he bleeding?" Panic was beginning to show all over her face.

"You know why. He tried to kill himself. Now go get Hermione so she can help him."

Ginny turned and started running towards the boys' staircase.

"Ginny."

"Right," she muttered, turning and running up the girls staircase. She returned a few moments later with Hermione behind her.

"Where is he?" Hermione asked, pushing her long bushy hair away from her face.

"Our bathroom."

"And you left him alone Ron?" Hermione asked, running up the boys' staircase.

"Oh crap."

The three teenagers ran into the dormitory but quickly stopped as they reached the bathroom door.

"Ginny," Ron whispered from her right. "I don't want to be an older prat of a brother, but I don't think you should come in here. He's very, um, different. He doesn't expect you and we need Hermione to help him. Please just wait here."

Ginny silently nodded then went and sat on Ron's bed.

"Your ready Hermione?" Ron asked, looking into her tear filled eyes.

She mutely nodded. Ron reached forward and pulled the door open. Hermione entered closely followed by Ron. Hermione gasped as she looked around the room. There were broken mirror pieces everywhere, as well as drips of blood. She turned around and noticed Harry sitting hunched up in the corner, looking at his wrists as the blood dripped out.

She nodded to herself and slowly walked towards Harry. She knelt down in front of him and took one of his hands in hers. He looked up into her eyes and was amazed at the tears that were running down her cheeks. Her hands were shaking and her breathing was shallow and fast.

She gave Harry a small smile before pulling out her wand. She grabbed the towel that was beside him and placed it on the wound, wiping away the excess blood. Hermione looked at the wound and sighed when she saw the blood slowly, but steadily pouring from it. She picked up her wand and pointed it at his wrist.

Hermione could here voices in the background that were getting louder and louder. She looked over at Ron who looked back at her confusedly.

She turned back to Harry who was staring across the room. She picked up her wand and was about to mutter the incantation when the door burst open and McGonagall entered, closely followed by Dumbledore.

Harry turned and looked to who had entered the room. His eyes widened when he saw who it was and he wrenched his arm from Hermione's grasp.

He stood slowly to his feet and walked to the opposite side of the bathroom.

"Oh god, oh god, oh god." He muttered to himself. He muttered so quietly that Ron was the only one who heard him.

"Harry it's okay." Ron said taking a step forward.

"Stay there," Harry said, leaning on the sink for support.

"Potter," professor McGonagall began. "Harry. We just want to help you. Let us help you."

"I don't want your help."

"Harry let us help you." Professor Dumbledore said.

Harry looked at him, anger filling his body. He slowly shook his head. He leant back against the wall and slid down it onto the floor. He buried his face in his bloody hands.

The two friends exchanged looks as well as the two professors.

Professor McGonagall slowly walked over to him and sat down beside him. She wrapped an arm around his shoulder. He didn't move at all.

"Harry," she whispered. "Please let us help you. We just want to help."

Harry didn't reply.

The two professors shared another look.

"Children, Minerva. Perhaps you could leave me to talk with him please. I think we need to clear up a few things."

The three nodded and exited the room. Upon arriving in the dormitory Ron say the other three boys. It was obvious now that they had gone and got the professors.

Back in the bathroom Professor Dumbledore was trying to think of the best thing to say.

"Harry why are you doing this? It's not going to help. Even if you try it I doubt you'll die. The prophecy clearly states that the only way you can die whilst Voldemort is still alive is if he kills you."

Dumbledore paused here. For once in his life he wasn't certain if he had said the right thing.

"Harry. You need to be strong. You need to stay strong. You need to fulfil this prophecy."

Harry stood up. He looked Albus in the eye.

"Fuck the prophecy. And Fuck you too. You think this is making it any better? You coming in here and telling me that I shouldn't be doing this because I have to save the entire fucking wizarding world?"

Harry staggered and grabbed hold of the sink to keep himself standing up.

"You cannot understand what it is like to know that you have to face the most evil, powerful dark wizard that has walked the face of this god forsaken planet. Don't for one minute even think that you know what it is like to be me."

Harry took a deep breath. His body was shaking and his breathing was heavy.

"Harry?" Albus asked, taking a step forward.

"Leave me alone." Harry said stepping back from the sink.

Albus was watching Harry carefully. He seemed to be having trouble staying up right. For the first time since he entered the bathroom Albus actually took a look around. When he noticed all the blood he realised why Harry was having trouble. He had lost too much blood. He watched as Harry stood up straight. Harry locked eyes with Dumbledore and then without so much of a warning, collapsed. Fainting to the ground.


	8. Talking?

**Chapter Eight.**

**Talking?**

Harry was lying in the hospital wing. It was time for the second class of the day, only a few hours after he had collapsed in the bathroom. He had only woken up ten minutes earlier to discover that his best friend Ron was there. He had a class off and decided to see if Harry was awake. Ginny and Hermione were each in a class.

"So Harry," Ron began, eager to get his friend to talk. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine."

"Ok, um. Can I get you anything?"

"No thanks."

"How long are you going to be in here?"

"I don't know."

"Did you want me to go speak with madam Pomphrey?"

"If you want to."

Ron sat still, unsure about what to do next. He was worried about his friend. Harry seemed so distant and different. He was thoroughly depressed and had even taken to cutting himself. How Ron could have missed that was beyond him. He was supposed to be there for Harry, yet he wasn't. He had never felt guiltier.

"Ron. Can you do me a favour?"

"Yeah sure."

"Well I'll probably be in here till tonight at the earliest and that's quite a long time. So could you please get me some parchment, ink and a quill so I can do my defence essay?"

"Yup. I'll go get it now."

"Thanks. I appreciate it."

Ron left the hospital wing and started wandering quickly through the corridors. He was so worried about his friend. He never thought that he'd know anyone who'd want to take his or her own life, but Harry had proved this thought wrong. He will never forget walking into that room finding Harry standing there, his pyjamas soaked in his own blood. He had never seen his friend look so vulnerable and it scared him.

He entered the empty Gryffindor common room and silently trudged up the stairs. When he entered the dormitory he was surprised to find Seamus there.

"Hey Seamus. You have this class off too?"

"Well obviously. I spent last class with you remember?"

"Yeah. Sorry. Im just really worried about Harry."

"Yeah we all are."

Ron walked over to Harry's desk and opened his top draw. He pulled out a quill and some blank parchment.

"What are you doing?"

"Getting some things for Harry. He's bored."

Ron pulled out the last thing he needed, a bottle of ink. He was about to shut the draw when his eyes flickered to some parchment covered in Harry's writing. It seemed to be a letter.

"Strange." Ron muttered pulling it out.

"What's strange?" Seamus asked Ron.

Upon receiving no answer Seamus sat up to look at Ron. Ron had gone extremely pale.

"Ron?"

The bottle of ink Ron was holding fell to the floor. It seemed to take an eternity to fall. Hitting the floor with a crash, it spilled deep blue ink across the carpet.

Seamus stared wordlessly at Ron's retreating back as he exited the room.

Ron walked through the halls of Hogwarts, his eyes never leaving the letter in front of him.

Harry's eyes never left the ceiling the whole time Ron was gone. He had so many feelings running through his heart that he didn't know which one to focus on.

He didn't know what had corrupted him to finally take that final step and attempt suicide. He thought that he'd never go that far. But here he is, lying in the hospital wing, his wrists throbbing uncomfortably.

"What the fuck is this?" Ron yelled running into the hospital wing.

Harry shrank back. He'd never seen Ron so angry before. Not only were his ears bright red, but his face was too.

Harry's eyes widened as he recognised what Ron was waving around.

"Ron give it to me." Harry sat up straight.

"I've read the entire thing Harry. Why didn't you tell us?"

"What part?"

"Everything. The prophecy, the cruciatus curse, the neglect that you have obviously lived with at the Dursleys, your feelings for my sister. Everything."

Harry turned away from Ron. His eyes filling with tears.

"Harry."

"No. Ok. You wouldn't have understood. Nobody does."

"Harry make me understand."

"You cant." Harry yelled, turning back to Ron. "You cannot understand me Ron because you are not me."

Ron stared at his friend. Harry had tears streaming down his face and he wanted nothing more then to stop them.

"Nobody can possibly understand what goes through my head Ron."

"I think our entire dorm knows."

"Ron even if you showed them that letter, that doesn't have everything in it."

"No that's not what I was referring to."

"Huh? What do you mean?"

"Um, you know when you were in the bathroom? Well why'd you smash the mirror?"

"Because I hated what I saw, I hate myself Ron."

"It wasn't because you were hearing anything was it?"

"What like talking to my own reflection?"

"Yeah."

"Well wouldn't that be stupid Ron."

"It's true though isn't it? You heard things didn't you?"

"No, why would I?

"Just admit it."

"Yes ok I did. What the hell does that have to do with anything?" Harry yelled in frustration.

"Well, it wasn't your reflection talking Harry. You were sort of having a conversation with yourself."

"What?" Harry sat up straighter.

"Yeah. You were yelling. It sounded like you were talking to someone else because you were saying stuff like 'you're to blame for Sirius' death.'"

Harry bit his lip and turned to look out the window again.

"So I take it you didn't know that was happening?"

"Come on Ron, how sane is it to talk to yourself?"

"Harry I-"

"You know what Ron, just piss off. I don't want to talk to anyone at the moment I just need to think. Ok?"

"Fine." Ron snapped.

Ron stomped out into the hall. As soon as he left Harry's sight he took off at a run. He ran past teachers and students, caretakers and ghosts. He never stopped, not even when he heard someone call his name, till he arrived at the top of the astronomy tower. He desperately needed to be alone. He couldn't even contemplate how much he needed Harry to be happy and healthy. At the moment Harry was neither, and it scared Ron.

Harry still wasn't eating properly and the fact that he was in the hospital wing on a suicide attempt clearly stated that he wasn't happy.

Ron sighed as he took a seat on the edge of the astronomy tower. He looked over the grounds, his heart painfully beating in his chest every time he thought of Harry.

Hermione stepped out of the Arithmancy class when Ron ran past her.

"Ron" she called expecting him to stop. He didn't. Hermione frowned then looked at her watch. She set off at a quick pace in the direction Ron was heading.

She had to admit that she was very concerned about both her male friends.

Sure she had said earlier in the term that she was concerned Harry might try to kill himself but she never truly felt that he would try it.

Hermione shuddered as she remembered pulling Harry's blood soaked pyjamas up his arm and revealing the fresh and old wounds. She would never be able to forget that.

'He must have been doing this since we returned here' she thought.

She sighed as she began the trek up the astronomy tower stairs.

Ron wasn't always a predictable person, but after five years of friendship people begin to know each other. Or so she thought.

Hermione stepped up the last and took a look around. Ron was sitting on the far side of the tower. His shoulders were hunched over and he was examining a piece of parchment.

Hermione walked slowly across to him. She sat down beside him and wrapped one arm around his shoulder. Ron looked up into her face and smiled softly before leaning into an embrace.

"You should read this." Ron stated, handing Hermione the parchment.

"What is it?"

"Harry's suicide letter."

Hermione shakily took the letter out of Ron's own shaking hand.

As she quickly read the letter her face paled and her eyes widened.

When she was done she quietly placed it down.

Ron looked up into her tear filled eyes and with his thumb brushed some tears from her cheeks.

"You know after what you said he was yelling at himself, and after reading this I think I can understand why he did it."

"I don't think we even have all the details anyway."

"Oh Merlin. Did you owl your mother and let her know?"

"Yeah, I'm still a bit concerned how they will react though."

"Hey Mum you've got an owl." Fred called out from the burrow's kitchen.

Molly bustled into the kitchen, her wand in one hand, a green speckled frog in the other. She smiled when she saw Pig flying around.

"It must be from Ron." She murmured, "Or Ginny."

Molly took the letter from the over enthusiastic owl. As she read through the letter her face paled. She looked up at the two boys, her eyes filled with tears.

She slammed the letter down on the table and disappeared from the kitchen with a pop.

Fred and George glanced at each other.

"George what do you think happened?"

"Im not sure. Read the letter."

"You read it."

"No you read it."

"You read it."

"Fred just read the damn letter."

"No, you read it."

"Fine." George crossed the kitchen and snatched the letter from the table. He looked up at his twin.

"Well?"

"Its, um. About Harry."

"And?"

"He's in the hospital wing."

"Oh another quidditch match?"

"No. Fred he, uh, tried to kill himself."

"What? Let me see that." Fred crossed the room and snatched the letter from Georges grip.

They locked eyes again and disappeared together with identical cracks.

Molly Weasley stood outside the door of Headmaster Dumbledore's office. She knocked vigorously on the door. It swung open a moment later to show a very tired Albus Dumbledore.

He smiled warmly to Molly who glared viscously back.

"Hello Albus. We need to talk."

Albus nodded quickly and opened the door wider to admit the red haired women.

"Molly what can I do for you?"

"Sit. I have a lot to discuss with you."

Albus swallowed hard and sat down at Molly's request.

Fred and George stood outside of the hospital wing. Their hearts were beating quite hard in each of their chests. They weren't sure what state Harry would be in and wanted to try and cheer him up all the same.

"Ok, on three right?" Fred asked.

George nodded glumly.

"Smile George." Fred said, plastering a grin on his face.

George nodded again before placing a smile on his face.

They linked arms and happily bounded into the hospital wing. Harry was on the furthest bed; his skinny frame was hunched over. He looked up as the two entered. The bags under his eyes were darker then ever and when he smiled the smile didn't reach his eyes.

"Hey guys."

"Hiya Harry." They replied.

"What are you doing here?"

"Oh cant we come visit our favourite investor?" Fred asked, feigning hurt.

"That's all I am isn't it? An investor, a weapon, the bloody boy who lived. I know why you're here. Did Ron owl you?"

George shook his head. "Nope, he owled Mum. I thought she'd be here. She's probably talking to Dumbledore though."

Molly stood up from her chair. Her face was red with anger and her voice was sore from her yelling.

"Well I think I'll go visit him now. Please Albus. Tell him." With that Molly left the room. Closing the door with a soft thud as she exited.

"There are few things I fear in this world Fawkes. She is one of them."

"Fred and George Weasley, what in Merlins name are you doing here?" Molly bustled into the hospital wing.

Madam Pomphrey came running out of her office at the sound of Molly's yelling.

"Molly please keep it down."

"We were just visiting Harry Mum."

Molly rolled her eyes and took a seat right near Harry's head. Harry was avoiding her eyes.

"How are you dear?"

"Fine thanks."

"Anything I can do for you?"

"No thanks."

"How are things going?"

"Honestly?"

"Yes Harry, please be honest."

Harry turned and faced her with cold hard eyes.

"Crap ok. My life is bullshit."

"Harry don't use that language."

"I'll use whatever language I'll feel like using. Please cant you people just understand that I want to be left alone. I don't want to talk. Just leave me be." Harry voice rose throughout his speech.

Molly nodded. "Ok then dear." She stood up and started walking towards the door.

"Remember I am always here for you sweetheart." She said, turning back and facing Harry.

Harry nodded slightly.

"Cya Harry" the twins called as they exited the room.

They met with their mother in the foyer. She had tears streaming down her face.

"Poor child. He's been through so much."

"We know mum." George replied.

"Lets go home." Fred said as he started walking out onto the grounds.

The other two exchanged looks. George lent in and gave his mother a hug before running after Fred.

Molly sighed and with a slight smile walked after her twins.


	9. You Don't Know Me

**Chapter Nine.**

**You don't know me.**

Harry Potter sat on his bed in the hospital wing. He was fully dressed but Madam Pomfrey had told him to not go anywhere just yet as someone wanted to see him before he left the hospital wing.

He was confused about who had to visit him in the hospital wing. Couldn't he see everyone out of the hospital wing? He sighed and looked at his watch. Harry wouldn't be able to go to dinner for another hour.

'Yay, an hour to kill. Can this day get any worse?' he thought.

Just then the door of the hospital wing opened. An elderly man entered the room. He looked to be about McGonagall's age. His hair was almost fully grey, but Harry could tell that it was once black due to the little clusters of black hair that littered his head. He had a slim build, but he limped slightly on his left leg as he walked.

He started walking across the room to Madam Pomfrey's office. He turned and looked at Harry quickly, giving him a big smile. Harry instantly hated him. That smile reminded him so much of Lockhart.

The man disappeared into Pomfrey's office and Harry sighed. He was fed up with waiting. He just wanted to walk around the castle and think. He needed to think about all the things that were troubling him at the moment. No one could fully understand what he was going through, no one but himself. He doubted if there was anyone in the world who could understand what it was like to be him. Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived. The boy who literally had to save the world.

Harry sighed as he looked around the hospital wing. He had only been in the hospital wing for nine hours, yet he was thoroughly sick of it. In his opinion, he had seen the hospital wing one too many times in all his years at Hogwarts.

Harry held his breath as he heard his name being mentioned in Madam Pomfrey's office. He struggled to hear. They were talking too quietly. Harry gave up with a roll of his eyes. He continued to look around the familiar hospital wing. He could see the potions on the shelfs, the seats by the door and all the plain white beds. The plainness of the hospital wing astounded Harry.

He turned to his right and took another look out the window. He could see some first years running around by the lake, laughing. He wished he could be that happy. But it was like he was cursed. He wasn't supposed to be happy. No, he was only alive to save the world. Harry rolled his eyes at the irony of the situation.

He heard the door to Madam Pomfrey's office open and footsteps echoed through the nearly empty hospital wing. Harry didn't let his eyesight leave those children playing by the lake. He assumed that the man had left the hospital wing.

He turned his head, hoping to ask Madam Pomfrey when he could leave, but he jumped when he noticed that the man was now sitting beside his bed.

"Hello Harry," the man smiled that fake smile again.

"Um, hi," Harry replied, sitting up a little straighter. "No offence, sir, but who are you?"

"I'm Damian Hyman," said the man, stretching out a hand for Harry to shake. Harry took the hand warily and noticed that the man looked at the cuts littering his arm as they gently shook hands. Harry pulled his arm back and crossed his arms across his chest.

"Um, ok. But why are you here?" Harry asked, his curiosity getting the better of him.

"To talk to you."

"To talk to me?" Damian nodded. "What about?"

"I would have thought that to be obvious, Harry."

Harry nodded, unconsciously running a finger across some of the many scars littering his arms.

"With all do respect, Mr. Hyman, I don't want to talk to you."

"Well, would you talk to someone else?" he asked, crossing his legs.

Harry bit his lip and turned his gaze out the window again, searching for those happy children again. He looked over the nearly empty Hogwarts grounds. Only two people were out. A pair of students was sitting under a tree near the lake, not too far where the children had earlier been. They had their arms wrapped around each other, and Harry felt himself sighing again at their obvious happiness.

"Harry, people are worried about you." Harry snorted as he turned angrily back to Damian.

"Bullshit. People aren't worried about me. They're worried about the Boy Who Lived. Not me. That's not who I am!" Harry shouted. Harry leant forward and buried his head in his hands. "You still haven't thoroughly answered my question," came Harry's muffled voice.

"And what question is that?" Damian asked, studying the boy carefully.

"Who are you?" Harry sat up and looked into Damian's gentle blue eyes.

"I told you that."

"Oh, quit messing with me. You know what the fuck I mean."

Damian raised an eyebrow at the outburst.

"I'm Poppy's friend from Saint Mungo's," Damian said.

"Let me guess," Harry began. "You're a counsellor from the psyche ward?" Harry half asked, half stated.

"Well, I was a counsellor. I did work at the psychiatric ward. I visit there occasionally still, for some of my more permanent patients."

"If you're not a counsellor anymore, then what do you do?"

"I retired. Decided that I had had enough of that hospital." Damian leant forward. "Between you and me," he whispered, "It's not all that organised, that hospital. Turned my hair grey," Damian finished, pointing to his hair with a smile.

Harry gave a small smile in return, and Damian's eyes instantly brightened at this.

"Mr Hyman—"

"Please call me Damian, Harry."

"Damian. I still don't want to talk to you," Harry said before turning back to the window, again.

"Harry, aren't you sick of being stuck in this room? Because we can go for a walk if you like."

Harry frowned at the offer. It was tempting, very tempting.

"Coming?" Damian called from the door of the hospital wing.

Harry growled before standing up and walking over to the door.

Damian walked to the left, taking the stairs down towards the dungeons. Harry paused at the top of the stairs.

"Harry, don't worry, the Slytherin's won't be around, and if they are then they'll most probably ignore you."

"You think I'm worried about the Slytherin's?" Harry asked, running to follow him.

"Aren't you?"

"No."

"Ok then. So your not even worried about what they think of you?" Harry didn't answer. He just continued to walk. "I thought so," Damian answered.

Harry turned to face him, anger building up inside his body.

"You think you know me don't you? Well, you don't. And don't for one minute try to tell me what I think. My best friends can't even tell what I think."

Damian simply smiled at Harry and continued walking. Harry threw his hands up in the air and let out a cry of frustration.

"Tell me are all counsellors supposed to aggravate their patients?"

"You're aggravating yourself, Harry."

Harry growled again as he caught up with Damian.

"Do you really expect me to talk to you?"

Damian stopped and sighed.

"Harry, I just want to help you."

"Why?"

"Because I don't like seeing people in pain."

"I'm not in pain."

Damian looked piercingly into Harry's emerald eyes. "Yes, you are. I can see it in your eyes. You want to reach out for help, but are too scared about being judged. You are hiding a lot from a lot of different people and it's beginning to frustrate you. It's beginning to frustrate you so much that you can't possibly bear the weight of it all."

Harry stood there, looking at Damian. He shook his head silently.

"You don't know me," he whispered. He turned around and put his back to Damian. He bit his lip, trying to not let his feelings get the better of him. He looked over his shoulder at Damian who was looking back at him. Harry shook his head once more before he ran up the stairs and out of Damian's sight.

When Harry got to the Entrance Hall he turned left and walked out of the huge oak doors and onto the Hogwarts grounds. He walked over to the lake and sat where the couple had previously been. He leant against the tree and sighed. Harry seemed to sigh a lot lately.

No matter how much he wanted to let his friends know what was fully going through his head, he knew he wouldn't be able to tell them. Harry loved them so much and he was so scared of losing them. He was scared of a lot of things. He laughed at this. Imagine that, Harry Potter afraid of something. He wasn't supposed to be scared of anything. He was supposed to be perfect.

"The Boy Who Lived," Harry whispered.

Harry felt a tear roll down his cheek. He wiped it away roughly. No way was he going to cry. Another rolled down his cheek and he cried out in frustration again.

"Harry?" a small voice said from behind him.

He jumped, then turned to see Ginny Weasley standing behind him uncertainly.

"Hey Gin," He mumbled. "Want to sit with me?"

"Only if you want me too."

"Yeah come on." Harry turned and looked out over the lake. He remembered what had happened in his third year and shuddered.

She walked over, nervously chewing on her bottom lip. Ginny looked up at Harry's face. His eyes were distant, almost unfocused and he was frowning.

"Harry?" Ginny asked.

"Mmmm?" he replied, eyes still unfocused on the water.

"How are you?" She asked gently.

Harry sighed again, and then started laughing. Ginny frowned at him, confused by his behaviour.

"Sorry," he said. "I'm ok. I'll survive."

She nodded.

"Um, Harry?"

"Yeah, Gin?"

"Don't worry."

Harry looked at her, then noticed the crumpled bit of parchment in her hands.

"Ginny when I wrote that letter, I didn't know I was writing it. I was completely out of it."

"Oh," she winced as she heard how hurt her voice sounded. "Ok."

"Ginny, I never meant to hurt you. I just saw you one day sitting at the Gryffindor table and you looked so beautiful. I'm sorry I wrote that. But I'm a complete mess right now, Gin. Completely messed up. I'm such a fuck up."

"No, Harry, you're not. It's ok. I understand." She couldn't help her heart from beating faster. She couldn't believe that he thought she was beautiful.

Ginny smiled as she handed the note to Harry. He took it, his hands shaking slightly. He turned to her.

"Do you think that I should ruin it?"

"It's up to you."

Harry nodded then ripped the parchment up into little pieces. He threw them above his head and they flew across the surface of the lake, littering the beautiful top with pale squares. Ginny smiled warmly at him.

"It's dinner time. I think we should go up."

Harry nodded. Taking a deep breath he heaved himself up from the ground. He helped Ginny to her feet and they both walked up into the castle silently. They entered the Entrance Hall and they could hear the voices of the many students echoing through the Great Hall. Ginny smiled at him as they walked in through the doors. There was a sudden hush as they entered and Harry shuddered at the amount of eyes on him. The talk exploded again and Harry wasn't sure if he had imagined it.

"Come on," Ginny said, grabbing his arm by the wrist causing Harry to gasp in pain.

"Oops. Sorry Harry," She grabbed his hand instead and led him down the aisle to where Hermione and Ron were sitting.

"Hey mate," Ron said when Harry sat down.

Hermione gave Harry a warm smile, which Harry tried to return. Hermione inwardly sighed when the smile didn't reach his eyes.

Harry started to put some food on his plate. As he was doing this he looked around the room. There were a lot more eyes on him then usual, and he was aware of the whispering all around him.

"Um, Ron?"

"Yeah, mate?"

"How many people know about my trip to the hospital wing?"

"Um, not that many."

"Ron."

"Ok, everybody."

"Everybody?" Harry whispered.

"Pretty much."

"Guys I need to leave." Harry stood up and quickly walked out of the hall. He started walking up the great marble staircase when he felt eyes on the back of him. He turned to see Professor Dumbledore talking to Damian Hyman. They were both looking at Harry. When they saw him looking, they both gave a small smile before turning and looking at each other again.

Harry gritted his teeth and began to walk towards Gryffindor tower. He knew that his friends would wait a few moments before following him.

He walked up in front of the Fat Lady and said the password. "Herbology."

Harry entered the common room, expecting it to be empty. He was surprised when he saw Kyra sitting in front of the fire.

"Hey, Kyra," he said, walking past her.

"Um, hi, Harry," she said uncomfortably, not meeting his eyes.

Harry shook his head and started walking towards the stairs. He remembered their kiss from the night before.

"Kyra?"

"Yeah?"

"Um, you know how, um. Never mind"

"Harry. I've been attracted to you for a long time. And that kiss last night was amazing. But, I don't think I can handle being with someone who is well, suicidal."

Harry nodded, biting down on his lower lip.

"Look, Harry, I'm sorry for the way I feel, but the way I see it, I can't be with someone who is, well, fucked up."

"Like I didn't already know I was fucked up. You don't have to go around reminding me." Harry turned and ran up the stairs, slamming the door behind him when he entered the dormitory.

He ran over to his bed and collapsed onto it. He couldn't stop the tears from coming now. He had to let it out. He couldn't hold it in. How long he was there crying he didn't know. But he knew it wasn't long. He soon cried himself to sleep.

The three remaining friends exited the Hall quickly. They didn't want to leave Harry alone for long. They didn't want him to attempt it again. They walked along in silence, each not knowing a safe topic to talk about.

They arrived a little later in front of the Fat Lady. They said the password and entered the room. They saw Kyra sitting in front of the fire. She had tears streaming down her face.

"Hey, Kyra, what's wrong?" Ginny asked, going to sit next to her dorm mate.

"Nothing, Ginny, it's alright."

Hermione and Ron shared a look. They walked quietly passed the pair sitting on the couches. They walked silently up the stairs and paused once they reached the dorm door.

They looked at each other when they heard Harry's quiet sobbing.

"Should we go in there?" Hermione whispered.

"Nah. Let's leave him alone. He's not going to do anything. The professors took all his sharp things away remember?" Ron whispered back.

"Yeah. Ok. We should come check on him soon though."

Ron nodded and the two made their way back to the common room. Kyra was now gone and Ginny sat in an armchair, staring into the fire.

"Did she tell you what was wrong?" Hermione asked.

"Nah. I'll get it out of her though. She's my mate. She'll spill her guts when she's ready."

Hermione nodded. The silence that filled the room seemed deafening to Hermione. "Hey Ginny, Ron. Want to play exploding snap?"

"Should we. Don't you feel a bit guilty about Harry being all upset upstairs?" Ginny asked.

"Well yeah, but if we just sit here that's going to make four miserable people instead of three," Ron argued logically with his sister.

"I think you're right, Ron. Come on Ginny, what do you say?"

"All right," she sighed.

The three settled in front of the fire, hoping that they could all just be happy for once.


	10. The Lake and Draco Malfoy

**Chapter ten**

**The Lake and Draco Malfoy.**

Harry woke the next morning, his eyes stinging and red from crying the previous night. Sighing he sat up on his bed and looked around the room. All of his dorm mates were sleeping still. Looking at his watch, and stifling a yawn he stood. He quietly got dressed then headed down to the common room. He threw his invisibility cloak over himself and exited out of the portrait hole.

Walking through the empty corridors Harry couldn't help but feel isolated. He knew all his friends would be there for him, if he had the courage to talk to them. But like he thought earlier, no one would understand what he feels because they are not him.

He slowly pushed open the heavy oak doors and stepped outside. He looked around the grounds that were glowing a soft orange from the rising sun that had yet to meet the horizon. He walked down to the lake and sat where he had sat the day before.

Looking around at the empty grounds once more, he again felt isolated. He felt as though he had hundreds of people around him, yet none where there with him. He felt cut off from everything. He hated the feelings of depression that had been building up his entire life. He knew understood that each year he went to hell and back. Since Cedric died he's stayed there.

'My life is hell,' he thought, tugging at his hair as the frustration got too much. Harry understood how selfish it was to want to kill himself, considering that he is the only one who could vanquish the dark lord. Harry snorted. He was the chosen one. Things like this weren't meant to happen in real life. They are supposed to happen in movies and books and television shows.

The sun suddenly came up over the horizon and Harry squinted as a ray of light directly hit him. He checked his watch. Six am. He was aloud to be up now. Sighing he pulled the invisibility cloak off and shrank it with a flick of his wand. He folded it neatly and put it in his pocket. Rolling up his sleeves he carefully examined the scars he had inflicted upon himself. Harry frowned as he ran a finger over the now un-bandaged scar across his wrist.

"Why didn't it work?" he said out loud. Oh how he wanted it to work. He wanted out of this hell hole of a life. He wanted to pass on, to be with his parents and Sirius. How he longed to see Sirius again. To tell Sirius how much he cared for him. He loved him, yet never said that. Why hadn't he said that?

'I'm so stupid. Why the hell couldn't I just use the mirror?' Harry thought, biting his tongue in an attempt to stop the tears from spilling from his eyes once more.

Harry cried out in frustration as a tear slipped down his cheek. 'I cry too much' he thought brushing the tear away. He took a deep breath and stood. He started to walk silently around the lake. His hands were in his pockets and his shoulders were hunched.

"Hello Harry?" a voice suddenly said behind Harry. He turned quickly, grabbing his wand his pocket. He raised it at the mans throat.

"Sorry Harry, didn't mean to startle you," Damian said looking uncomfortable at Harry's steady hand and emotionless face. Harry didn't move the wand.

"Harry, would you mind if you could perhaps not aim a wand at me?"

Harry frowned then moved the wand away. He did not put it back in his pocket; he kept it in his hand. He turned on his heel and stalked off the way he was heading before the interruption. Damian smiled slightly and then set off behind him.

"Why are you up so early?" Damian queried, as they walked.

"I woke up" Harry replied brusquely.

"A nightmare?"

"Nope."

"Perhaps you haven't been sleeping well and just woke up un-expectedly."

Harry stopped then. He turned his head and looked at the now still form of Damian.

"Look Mr Hyman.

"Damian."

"Mr Hyman, I told you yesterday that I do not want to talk to you. What makes you think I want to now?"

"I never said that I thought you would want to talk to me."

"Okay then. Fine. Leave me alone okay? I don't want anything to do with you. Just let me be."

Harry turned and started walking briskly back to the castle. Damian followed him a few steps behind. Harry clenched his teeth. He knew that Damian was following him, he just didn't know how to get rid of the vermin.

Harry pushed apart the entrance doors once more and arrived in the Entrance Hall.

"Harry one last thing," Damian spoke up timidly.

"Look just fuck off. Leave me the hell alone." Harry shouted. The few early rises stared at him timidly. Harry glared at them as they passed and they quickly scurried off into the Great Hall.

Harry stalked up the stairs and out of Damian's site. Damian crossed the hall and walked up to Dumbledore who had just witnessed the outburst.

"That went well didn't it?" Damian asked.

"Sarcasm doesn't suit you Damian."

Damian half smiled at Dumbledore.

"Keep trying?"

"Yes. We should," Dumbledore agreed.

Harry walked through the halls of Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The portraits all stared at him as he walked passed, and Harry was beginning to get fed up with it. He walked briskly up the staircases until his brain finally registered where he was going. The astronomy tower.

Harry slowly walked up the spiraling staircase, his heart pounding faster and harder with each new step. He walked out onto the bare tower top and walked over to the edge. He stepped up onto the small wall that lined the edge of the tower. Looking over the grounds Harry had many emotions rising into him. Happiness, anger, sadness, longing. Feelings he hadn't felt in a long time. He looked straight down and saw a bunch of rocks littering the ground below. He took a deep breath and moved one foot forward.

"I was wondering if you were going to do it," a voice drawled from behind him.

Harry turned to face none other then Draco Malfoy.

"Then why'd you say anything. I bet you would have loved watching the great Harry Potter jump off the astronomy tower."

Harry jumped down off the wall and walked towards Malfoy.

"Where are your cronies Malfoy? Aren't you afraid without them?"

"Afraid of you Potter," Draco spat. "Hardly."

"Think Daddy is going to protect you because he is a school governor? Or should I say was considering he's in Azkaban now?"

"Shut it Potter. Don't think I know that its you who got him locked up."

"Im not denying it Malfoy. That bastard got off easy. He deserved to be kissed."

Harry threw a smirk that could rival Draco's at Draco then stalked off down the stairs.

He could hear Draco thundering away behind him. Harry reached the bottom of the staircase and was thrown forward as Draco tackled him from behind. Harry got turned over and Draco was sitting on him. He raised a fist and smacked Harry right across the face with it.

"You take that back Potter."

"Never." Harry replied. Bringing up a knee into Draco's stomach. He pushed Draco off him and stood calmly to his feet. He turned to walk away.

"You should have jumped you know. Would have done a world a favor. It's a pity you didn't." Harry stopped walking and slowly turned to Malfoy. He stepped forward and pushed Malfoy against the brick wall, hard. With a free hand Harry pulled back his sleeve revealing his scars to Draco.

"You think I don't want to die Malfoy. It's on my to do list actually," Harry spat.

Harry stepped away from Malfoy and started walking towards the stairs.

"All over that pathetic dog huh?"

Harry stopped in his tracks. He saw Professor Tonks start to descend the stairs but didn't care. Harry turned around slowly.

"You take that back." Harry growled.

"No. Or should I say never? That mutt was a waste of space. My aunt Bellatrix did the world a favour removing him from the world. All we have to do is get rid of you too and all the muggles and mudbloods and blood traitors and the world will be perfect."

Harry ran forward and tackled the un-expecting Draco. He sat on top of Draco in the way that Draco had earlier sat on him. He raised his fist and slammed it hard into Malfoy's cheek. Draco put his hands on Harry's shoulders and tried to push him back. Harry raised his fist again and was about to hit Malfoy again when a hand grabbed his wrist.

Harry looked up and came face to face with a very flustered Tonks.

"Get away from each other," Tonks demanded, her black curly hair falling into her face.

Harry stood up and stepped a bit away from Malfoy, his wrist still in Tonks hand. Draco scowled then heaved himself off the ground, his cheek all red from Harry's punch.

"Okay, I want you to go to class Draco, and 60 points off Slytherin for fighting."

Draco opened his mouth to rebut, but Tonks beat him to it.

"I saw this entire fight, you didn't touch Harry's face, yet its all red like yours. So you did it. It's fresh ok? Now get to class."

Draco scowled then stalked off towards the dungeons.

"Now Harry, I'm taking 60 points of Gryffindor as well, but you need to come and see the headmaster. He wants a word. The password is Sugar Quills."

Harry silently nodded then walked off towards Dumbledore's office. A few minutes later he was at the top of the stairs knocking on the door.

"Come in Harry," Dumbledore called from inside.

Harry pushed open the door to find not only Dumbledore but Remus Lupin in the office. Harry looked at Lupin who looked as weary as ever and gave a small smile which Lupin returned.

"You wished to see me sir?" Harry asked timidly.

"Yes, yes. But only so you could meet with Mr Lupin here."

"Want to go for a walk?" Remus asked hoarsely.

"I have a class though,"

"Not to worry, go walk," Dumbledore spoke up cheerfully. He looked across Harry's face, to the red and slightly swollen eye, to the split and barely bleeding lip.

Harry nodded. "Ok."

"Excellent. But one more thing," Harry turned to professor Dumbledore. Albus raised his wand and with a flick Harry's face felt instantly better.

"Thanks,"

Albus nodded in reply.

The two left the office and silently headed out to the grounds. Remus kept opening and closing his mouth, obviously wanting to say something, but unsure where to start.

"Professor what is it?"

"Harry, please call me Remus. I am no longer your Professor."

Harry nodded.

"Ok Remus, what is it?"

"Let's sit shall we?" Remus indicated to the side of the lake that was beginning to become Harry's second home.

"Harry, I received an owl last night. I'm not going to say who from, but some things in this letter were rather, disturbing in a way." Remus looked into Harry's face but Harry suddenly found a lot of interest in his hands. Remus leant forward, grabbed Harry's chin with his hand and tipped his face up to look at him.

"Harry, it's not your fault that Sirius died. Harry, Sirius loved you with all his heart and he would have done anything to make sure you were safe."

Harry tried to move his head but Remus kept his hand firmly placed around Harry's chin.

"Harry, it's not your fault."

"But it is," Harry suddenly choked out. "If I hadn't have been so careless, and so stupid or trustworthy, then he'd be alive."

"Harry, if you must blame anyone blame Voldemort. He's the one that did this. He tricked you. He-"

"He shouldn't have been able to trick me Remus. He shouldn't have been able to."

Remus looked sadly into Harry's eyes and sighed. He removed his hand from Harry's chin but Harry stayed looking at him.

"What do I have to say Harry that will make you believe me?" Harry turned and looked across the lake, his eyes far off and un-focused.

"Nothing. It's my fault and nothing will ever change that."

"Harry it isn't. I was his best friend Harry, and I don't blame you. I don't, nobody does."

"He might." Harry whispered. Harry was subconsciously running a finger along the scar on his wrist. Remus slowly grabbed his arm and pulled it across to him. He pushed back the robe sleave and gasped at the many scars that were there.

"I knew there was a lot, but I didn't think this many," Remus choked out. "This Harry, is another thing we must talk about."

Harry wrenched his arm out of Remus' grip and went to stand up. Remus put a hand on his shoulder to stop him.

"Harry," Remus looked sadly into Harry's eyes.

"Don't pity me Remus. I don't need to be pitied."

"I am not pitying you Harry. I'm just concerned. I don't want you to take your own life Harry. Too many people die from that cause."

Harry looked out across the lake again.

"Why do you do it?"

"Cut?"

"Yeah."

Harry looked at Remus carefully, deciding whether or not to trust him.

"It's sort of a release. All I don't really feel anything anymore, but when I cut, I feel that. And that makes me feel alive again. I know that this will sound sick, but I like the blood to. It proves to me that I'm human. I don't seem to feel anything anymore, and I know I should be hurting so much about Sirius, but I can't accept it. I hate feeling like this. So. So numb and alone."

Remus nodded slowly then wrapped an arm around Harry.

"Did you want to die?"

"Yes."

Remus bit his lip, then sighed.

"Harry I'm here ok? I'm here if you ever need to talk to anyone. Just owl me, or even go and see Dumbledore and he will floo me so we can speak ok? Anytime. Twenty-four hours a day."

"Ok," Harry choked out. "Thank you."

"No problem Harry. No problem at all."

Harry looked down at his watch.

"Remus I better go, I don't think it'd be a wise choice to miss potions."

"No I don't think so either. Besides I have to visit a lovely defence professor."

Harry raised his eyebrows. Remus winked at him and together they walked back to the castle.


	11. Flying Kisses

SURPRISE. For those of you who actually check if I've updated I left this surprise chappie for you. Hope you like. PLEASE REVIEW. MWA!

**Chapter 11.**

**Flying Kisses**

McGonagall stood in front of the quiet and crowded Gryffindor common room. It was just after lunch a week to the day after Harry's failed suicide attempt. After McGonagall finished her announcement she pursed he lips and left the common room. As soon as the portrait door swung shut, the common room exploded with cheers and murmurs.

"Can you believe it Harry?" Ron asked, looking like a child jumping up and down.

Harry rolled his eyes.

"Yay. A flying tournament," he answered sarcastically.

"But you like flying Harry," Hermione pointed out.

"Not for competition. It seems like everything is competition these days."

"Oh." Her face fell.

"I'm going to go to lay down for a bit. I'll see you in Charms." Harry silently left the common room. Hermione pursed her lips in a very McGonagall like way.

"I wonder what his problem is now."

"Honestly Ron. He doesn't like attention or competition. You should know that."

"Yeah, but who will practice with me now?"

Hermione bit her lip at this. She closed her eyes and nodded quickly.

"Um, Ron. Could you teach me to fly? Like properly I mean."

Ron turned to face her, his eyes open wide and a grin forming in his face.

"You?"

Hermione frowned. "Yes. Me."

Ron stood back and looked her up and down. Hermione blushed at this and hoped to Merlin that Ron didn't notice. Ron nodded slowly, a frown now evident on his face.

"Okay. I'll go get my broom."

Hermione gaped at him.

"Now?" She gasped.

"Why not? Ill be right back."

"Oh but Ron." Hermione called after him, but he didn't hear her over the pounding of his feat on the stairs.

Hermione cried out and threw her hands up in the air.

Ron entered the dormitory. Running over to his trunk he called over to Harry.

"Hey mate, guess what I'm about to do?" Ron picked up his broom and looked over at Harry's empty bed. He turned towards the bathroom. The door was open a crack and he heard retching. He walked over to the door and opened it.

"Hey Harry. You ok mate?"

Harry stood from his position on the floor. Ron noticed then just how skinny Harry truelly was, and pale too. Harry nodded and headed over to the sink. He washed his mouth out with water then washed his face.

"Going flying?" Harry asked nodding to the broom.

"Um, yeah. I'm teaching Hermione."

"Oh really?" Harry grinned slyly at him.

"Oh shit. Harry oh god. I'm going to be alone with her."

Harry's grin widened.

"Harry what do I do?"

"Just what you normally would do around her. Blush and act like a crazy fool who's in love with one of his best friends. I'm just glad that I'm not that best friend."

Ron rolled his eyes. Harry grabbed hold of him at the shoulders. Ron noticed that Harry was shaking slightly.

"Look Ron. Just tell her how you feel. What's the worse that could happen?"

"She could laugh in my face."

"Exactly."

"Oh Merlin Harry, that's encouraging."

"Ron just relax and it'll be ok. Now I'm going to go lay down. I feel horrible."

Ron nodded. "You look horrible. And you're even shaking."

"I'll be ok. Have fun." Harry clapped Ron on the shoulder, and then crossed the room, sinking down onto his bed with a sigh.

Ron left the dormitory, quietly looking back at his friend who was lying on his bed, his eyes closed, a sweat on his brow and a pale complexion that would put Malfoy to shame.

"Harry, perhaps you should go see Madam Pomfrey."

"I'll be okay," came the mumbled reply.

Ron thundered down the stairs and arrived seconds later in the common room. He exited through the portrait hole with a very flustered and nervous Hermione in tow.

Harry Potter lay on his bed staring at the deep red canopy above him.

"Red like blood," he whispered to the empty room. He swallowed nervously. He had just vomited his lunch in the toilet, just like he had been doing all week. He was constantly losing weight and with hardly any sleep he had big heavy bags under his eyes and a pale, sickly looking face.

Harry pushed back the sleeve of his robe and looked upon the angry red scars that were now going to forever be a part of his body. He sighed. He really felt like cutting again, but he had no weapons. His teachers had taken them all away, including the knife Sirius gave him. Plus the mirror's had all been given unbreakable charms.

He scanned his brain in an attempt to find a place where he could get a weapon. He couldn't go to the kitchens as the house elves wouldn't hand him a weapon. Then he thought of the room that would give anyone what they require. The room of requirements. A moment later the door to the dormitory slammed shut.

Ginny Weasley sat upon her desk starring down at a moving picture she held in her lap. Christmas was only a few weeks away now and she had been searching through her trunk in the hopes to find some left over Christmas money. Instead she stumbled across this photo that had been taken last Christmas. Harry was in the picture, which was odd for his photographic self, but if you looked to Harry's left you would see why. Sirius Black was standing beside him, an arm draped around his shoulder. They both had huge grins plastered on their faces.

'If only Harry would smile like that again.' Ginny thought as she looked upon his handsome face. It was a rare smile that Harry was smiling in this picture. It was a true smile. One that reached his eyes. The fake one's didn't. The fake one's used to be common, but he smile at all it seemed anymore.

Ginny sighed. She placed the photo down and looked out the window. She gave a small smile when she saw Ron and Hermione walking over towards the Quidditch Pitch with a broom in tow. She stood up, stretched her arms above her head and left the room.

Walking gracefully down the stairs she could hear a slight murmur of voices in the common room.

"I wonder where he's off to?" Neville asked, sitting by the fire.

"Dunno, he's always very distant ever since he tried to off himself," Seamus replied shrugging his shoulders. Ginny who was now standing behind Seamus smacked him across the head at his comment.

"What?" He shouted as she sat down beside him.

"Oh honestly Seamus. Have some respect. If he fully contemplated doing that to himself don't you think that something must be terribly wrong?"

"I suppose," he shrugged.

Ginny growled then stood up and left the room. Traveling up the stairs she decided that she really wanted to see Harry, so she turned around and went up the boys staircase instead. She opened the door to find an empty room. She dropped on her knees in front of Harry's trunk and began rummaging through the contents.

"Aha," she cried out when she pulled out the parchment she needed. With a quick "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good," the map of Hogwarts appeared.

"Where are you," she muttered as her eyes desperately scanned the map.

"Yes, mischief managed." Ginny put the map back in the trunk and ran down the stairs. She exited through the portrait hole just like Harry had done previously.

Hermione sat on the back of Ron's broom, with Ron in front of her. Her arms were wrapped tightly around his waist.

"Ready Hermione?" Hermione took a deep breath.

"Yes," she answered, nodding her head in an attempt to reassure herself.

"Okay, here we go," Ron kicked off from the ground. Staying within ten feet of the ground, Ron did a few laps around the stadium. They slowly descended to the ground, and landed softly.

"See that wasn't so bad was it Hermione?"

"I suppose not. I just don't like flying all that much."

"Well here," Ron said, pushing his broom into her hands.

"What do you want me to do with it? Sweep?"

Ron looked outraged. "No Hermione. Go for a ride. Just like I told ya."

"Okay. Fine. But if I crash its your fault."

"Okay."

Hermione nervously held the broom in front of her. Nodding to herself again she mounted it. She kicked off from the ground and sped around the pitch. She was a bit wonky on the broom and definitely wasn't a natural.

"Ron. How do you stop it?" She called out to him.

"Just descend to the ground."

She turned the broom down and went straight into a dive.

"Not like that," Ron called as she got closer to the ground. She landed with a crash and Ron opened his eyes wide.

"Shit," he muttered. He began running over to her, calling out her name as he went. He flung himself to the ground beside her now crumpled form and tried to pull her up.

"Ah, I'm ok Ron," she gasped out, sitting up with Ron's help.

"Are you sure? I mean, shit Hermione."

"Ron it's okay. I'm fine," Hermione said, grabbing Ron's hands with her own.

Ron nodded with a smile. He felt his heart rate quicken when Hermione grabbed his hands. His mouth went dry and his stomach filled with butterflies.

'Harry did say to just tell her how I feel. Maybe I should?' Ron thought to himself.

"Ron? Are you listening?"

"Huh?"

"I'm the one that crashed Ron. Are you okay?"

"Yeah I'm fine."

"Okay, help me up."

Ron stood and pulled Hermione to her feat. When she reached his level she fell forward.

"Whoa, a little dizzy," she muttered, letting go of Ron's hand and clutching her head.

Ron raised a hand and placed it on her cheek. She looked at him in the eyes and raised her eyebrows.

"Ron are you sure you're okay?" He raised a finger and put it gently on her lips, quieting her. He moved that hand so that both hands were cupping her face. He bit his lip then leant in to Hermione. He placed his mouth on hers and slowly opened his mouth, kissing her.

Pulling away he stared at the brunette in shock.

"Oh shit Hermione. I'm so sorry." Ron immediately let go of her face and went to walk away, but Hermione grabbed his arm.

"Ron."

"Hermione please."

"I've been waiting for you to kiss me since fourth year."

"I know you don't feel like that, what?" Ron asked, flabbergasted.

Hermione nodded, then leant in, recapturing Ron's lips with her own.

Ginny Weasley stood outside the room of requirements. There was currently a large oak door blocking her way from the man she so desperately desired. She chewed on her lower lip nervously. She didn't even know why she was here. She simply couldn't burst in on Harry. What would he think?

But she had a bad feeling. Like he was going to do something stupid again. Why would he come to the room anyway? Then it clicked. To get what he required.

"Alohamora," she whispered. She leant forward and turned the handle. She slowly pushed the door open and blinked as she took in the room. The walls were completely black. There wasn't even a window. There was only one piece of furniture and that was a black couch in front of the roaring fire which was the only light source for the room. Sitting on the couch was Harry Potter. He had a razor blade in his hand, holding it above his now bleeding arm.

"Oh Harry," Ginny moaned from the doorway. Harry jumped, obviously oblivious to her before she spoke. He looked down at his hands and dropped the razor. He pushed the sleeve of his robe down in an attempt to cover his fresh wounds.

Ginny shut the door gently behind her and walked over to where Harry was sitting. She knelt in front of him. Cupping the bottom of his chin she turned his face to look at her own. She pulled him into a hug.

"It's okay Harry. I'm here for you."

Harry nodded against her neck. He pushed her away and motioned for her to sit beside him. She sat, resting her head on his shoulder.

"Gin do you ever question why we're here?"

"Mmm. Sometimes. But I never question my existence in particular."

"Hmm. Consider yourself lucky then."

Ginny turned so that she could see his face.

"You really are thoroughly depressed aren't you?"

Harry nodded glumly.

"I'm so sick of it Ginny. I just want it to end."

"Well like I said before. I'm here."

"I know Ginny." Harry sighed. He stood up and walked over to the fire.

"It's hard though, trying to talk to someone who doesn't fully understand what its like to be you."

"I know it would be."

He turned to face her.

"Want to go for a walk? Around the lake maybe? Or we could go visit Hagrid?"

"Okay Harry," Ginny stood up. She held out an elbow for him and he linked arms with her.

"Lets visit Hagrid. Haven't seen him for awhile." The two left the room and headed off to visit their old friend.


	12. Home For The Holidays

i Hey Guys. Please don't shoot me for being late updating. I've been really depressed of late and I just couldn't get the writing happening. I must have started this chapter 100 times. I hope you like the result. /i 

b center Chapter Twelve

Home for the Holidays. /b /center 

Harry sat cross legged on his bed, staring at the picture of his parents that was sitting in his lap. He fingered the scars on his arm guiltily. His parents had died to save him yet he was willing to throw his life and their sacrifice away so easily. He looked up from the album as a knock sounded on the door.

"Harry?" called a small voice from the stair well.

"Yeah. Come in," Harry called. A second later the door opened and Kyra stepped into the room. She closed the door behind her and leant against it. She had her eyes firmly looking toward the ground and was chewing on her bottom lip nervously. She looked up at Harry sitting on the bed.

"Harry. I um, I'm so sorry for what I said to you the other week. It's been eating away at me since then." Harry raised an eyebrow at this. Kyra bit her lip and crossed the dormitory. She sighed as she took a seat on Harry's bed. She reached out and took Harry's hand with her own.

"The truth is I'm scared Harry. I don't want to hurt you anymore then you are already hurt. I'm sorry. I know that this may be a little irrelevant but I keep thinking about that kiss that we shared. I've never had a kiss like that before. It was truly breathtaking. The thing is Harry that I'm sorry. I just-"

"The thing is Kyra you talk to much," Harry butted in, his head cocked to one side.

"Really?" she replied teasingly. Harry nodded.

"What are you going to do about it then?" Harry smirked at this before leaning in and capturing Kyra's lips with his own. He moved away from her, smiling slightly. She smiled in return. She moved from her position and knelt beside Harry. Kyra moved forward and captured Harry's lips gently with her own. Slowly the kissed moved deeper and soon Kyra's tongue was running along Harry's lips, pleading hungrily from entrance. Harry willingly obliged, massaging Kyra's tongue with his own.

Kyra's kisses left Harry's mouth and began to trace his jaw line. She began to move the kisses down his neck. Kyra pushed Harry back so he was leaning against the head board. She straddled his hips and began to kiss him passionately on the mouth again. Harry moaned and the sound was softened by Kyra's mouth on his own. Harry wrapped one arm around her back and the other was one was tugging at the bottom of Kyra's blouse. He placed the hand under the shirt and slowly ran the back of his fingers along her stomach. Kyra's hands busily started to undo the buttons of Harry's shirt. She began to kiss his neck again as his shirt fell open.

Harry moved his hand up and gently cupped Kyra's right breast in his hand. She moaned against him and when he lifted her shirt over her head she didn't protest. Harry bent down and trailed kisses over Kyra's collar bone. Kyra moved her hands behind her back and quickly un-clasped her bra. Harry looked up into her eyes and gently tucked her long blonde hair behind her ear.

She bent forward and began to suck on his neck once more, her hands now busy with his belt buckle. He felt rather the heard his jeans zip open. Kyra sat up then stood. She kicked her shoes off then stepped out of her skirt. She climbed back onto the bed. She pulled the curtains shut around them, leaving the pair in semi-darkness. She grabbed Harry by his hips and pilled so he was lying on his back. She gripped the waist of his jeans and slid them down his legs. Harry sat up and grabbed Kyra's shoulders. He lay her down beside him. He placed his fingers around the band of her underwear and tugged them down. He let his eyes cast over her naked body and Kyra instantly flushed harder under his gaze. He bit his lip as he pulled off his boxers. He could feel Kyra's eyes on him and it made him uneasy somehow. He turned and lay on top of Kyra. He could feel himself heat up even more then he already was when he felt their naked bodies touching one another.

Harry looked into Kyra's eyes again before moving in and kissing her. He ran his hands down the side of her body and felt her shudder from under him. He moved his hand across her collar bone and gradually moved it down. He slid it over her breasts, her stomach, hips and thighs before it reached its destination.

Kyra could feel her cheeks get hotter as he excited her more and more. When his hand met its destination she couldn't help but to cry out with pleasure, making Harry smile. She ran her fingers down his back, gently scratching the skin. Harry looked up at her a frown on his face.

"Are you a virgin?" he finally asked.

"Um, no. Why?"

"Well, um. I am. So I'm not too sure what I'm doing if you get me," Harry said nervously.

"I can go on top if you like?"

"Um, yeah. Okay." Harry nodded.

They rolled over and Kyra immediately started attacking his neck again.

"What are you a vampire?" Harry asked jokingly. Kyra frowned then kissed him passionately on the mouth. Before Harry knew what was happening Kyra was on top of him, rocking back and forth. Harry bit his lip. He had never felt pleasure as great as this before. He ran his fingers gently over Kyra's thighs before wrapping them around her back again.

"You okay?" she asked, whispering in his ear. Her hot breath causing shivers to run down his spine.

He tried to say yes but a moan escaped his lips instead.

"I'll take that as a yes." Kyra laughed. Harry simply moaned again.

Harry heard himself cry out as the moment he had been waiting for arrived. He flung his head back and gripped the sheets hard in his hands.

He looked up at a smiling Kyra and smiled. His breathing was heavy and uneven as Kyra got off him.

"Did you?" he asked between breaths.

"Yes. But you were do busy with your own to notice I think."

Harry laughed. "Sorry."

"Don't be. It was great. Even if you didn't last long."

"I'm sorry."

"It's ok Harry. Guys don't last long on their first time."

Harry smiled to himself as Kyra stood up and put her clothes back on. She turned around and saw Harry still laying there naked.

"Comfy?"

Harry nodded again. Kyra walked back over to the bed and tapped pointedly at the clock. Harry turned and looked at the time.

"Shit."

"Uh-huh. Get dressed."

Harry hurriedly pulled his clothes on and the pair left the room and headed off to quidditch practice.

------------

Two weeks passed and before the Hogwarts student knew it they were on there way home for Christmas. Harry, Ginny, Ron and Hermione exited Kings Cross Station with the latter three in bright Christmas spirits and Harry dreading returning to Grimmauld Place. He was scowling when they entered the street but a smile instantly lit up on his face as he glanced at the people who were here to pick them up. Remus Lupin was smiling broadly at Harry, his hand grasping tightly onto Tonks.

Harry walked quickly over to him and stood awkwardly in front of his current and former Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers. Remus let go of Tonks to grasp Harry in a hug. He held Harry by the shoulders at arms length.

"How are you going?"

"I'm fine." Remus raised an eyebrow. "Ok. I've been better. Some things have occurred in the past few weeks that are good though."

"Want to share?" Remus asked genuinely. Harry snorted.

"Um, no. Not particularly." Remus frowned.

"I will tell you later," Harry said, stepping into the car that was behind Remus. Tonks and Remus looked at each other and Tonks burst out laughing.

"What is it?" Remus asked.

"Nothing. Nothing. I think I just understood what happened though. Get in the car Lupin, I'm driving."

The car ride back to Grimmauld place was about as interesting as watching a flubberworm, so all the passengers in the car, young and old were all happy to reach Grimmauld Place. No matter if it was the house of a dead man. Harry stood mournfully out the front of Grimmauld place. A part of him was happy to be away from Hogwarts. Away from all the happy people. Away from all the suspicious teachers. Away from the whispers that followed him. Away from that psycho therapist Damian and away from his normal life in general. Harry felt a hand rest on his shoulder and looked to see the smiling face of Remus. Harry smiled weakly back then headed into the dreaded house of Black.

He entered the lounge room and laid eyes on the last person he expected to see.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Harry exclaimed to the nearly empty room.

"Ah, hello Harry. I was just here for the order meeting." Damian replied.

"I should have known that you were here for that. Bloody hell, why can't you guys just let it rest? I thought you were a friend of Madam, oh never mind. Like I care. Just go back to your stupid order meeting."

Damian listened to Harry's rambling as Harry walked around the room, finally stopping at the bottom of the stairs. Harry looked up and looked into Damian's eyes. There were something familiar about them, other then Damian of course. Harry shrugged it off then turned and ran up the stairs, slamming the door to his room with as much force as he could manage.

The three remaining friends all walked quietly up the stairs.

"He'll settle down eventually." Remus said to Damian.

"Yes, I know. I just hope that it'll be sooner than later."

"I know. I know."

"Harry can we come in" Hermione called from outside of the room.

"Yeah, whatever."

"Who was that?" Ginny asked entering the room."

"Damian Hyman."

The three all took seats on the floor with Harry.

"And he is?" Ron asked cautiously.

"A therapist. He apparently used to work at Saint Mungo's."

"Oh." Hermione helplessly stated.

"Yeah."

They four sat in silence for a few minutes before Molly Weasley knocked on the door. She entered a moment later and smiled at the four teenagers who were all standing now to greet Mrs Weasley.

"I just wanted to let you kids know that dinner will be ready in about ten minutes."

"Thanks mum," the two siblings replied just as Harry and Hermione said "Thanks Mrs Weasley."

Molly chuckled quietly and leant in and gave each of the four a hug.

"Come down soon."

They nodded, then she left the room.

"I'm going to go wash up for dinner. You coming Gin?" Hermione announced to the silent room.

"Yup." Ginny looked at Ron and nodded towards Harry. Ron nodded in return. Once Ginny was out of the room Ron turned to Harry.

"Harry are you sure you're ok?"

"For fucks sake Ron, I'm so sick of all this are you ok crap? I'm so sick of you three watching over me all the bloody time. I need time to myself Ron. Look. I know Im not in the best of sorts lately but Ill live." i Unfortunately /i he added in his mind.

"Ok, I'm sorry Harry." Harry immediately felt guilty.

"No Ron I'm sorry. You are simply trying to help. But just don't worry so much ok. I'll be fine." Ron nodded.

"Come on lets go to dinner mate." With that said the two boys left the room silently.


	13. Dreaming of Christmas

Chapter Thirteen

Dreaming of Christmas

It was Christmas Eve and Ron Weasley lay in his bed, his eyes closed, willing sleep to take over him. He lay there in peace, reminiscing some of the past week's events. He remembered the kissed with Hermione, the worried looks at Harry, the laughter with the twins after they returned home from their joke shop.

He sighed as he remembered an argument between himself and Harry the night before. Harry had been sitting on the couch in the lounge room, a book opened on his lap. He wasn't reading the book though; he was staring into the roaring fire. His eyes had become distant and glazed over.

Ron entered the room then, and noticing the body language of his friend, gently took a seat beside him. He looked briefly over at his friend before gaining up the courage to speak to him.

"Hey Harry. How are you going?"

Harry rolled his eyes and slammed the book shut.

"Ron, I am so sick and tired of you constantly asking me if I'm alright. I tried to kill myself; do you honestly think that means I'm alright? Look. I'm as fine as someone in my position can be. Please just stop following me around, constantly asking if I'm ok. I can't handle that."

Ron stood up quickly.

"Harry, I'm just trying to help."

"I don't want your help," Harry threw the book near the fire. "I don't need your help." He stormed out of the room, slamming the door shut behind him.

Ron sighed as the memory vanished from his mind. He turned his head to look at Harry's form lying on the bed next to his. The pair had been sleeping in the same room for over 5 years now so Ron instantly knew that Harry was not sleeping.

"Harry?" he asked quietly. Harry lay there, trying to decide whether or not to answer his friend, his brother. He decided against it and lay there in silence, hoping that Ron would just go to sleep so he could think.

Ron sighed when he received no answer. He rolled over and faced the wall, letting the first effects of sleep wash over him. Harry felt guilty for ignoring Ron. But he simply didn't want to talk to him right now. He had too much going on in his mind as it was. He soon heard Ron's soft snores echo through the bedroom. Harry sighed, turning to lie on his back. He couldn't help but feel depressed at the prospect of Christmas arriving in a few short hours. He was a bit nervous about waking up tomorrow. The thought of being around so many happy people on a day meant for family unsettled him greatly. He knew that everywhere he looked he would see Sirius in his minds eye. He didn't want that sort of torment. He just wanted to get through the day happily.

Harry quickly rolled over as he heard Ron call out Harry's name in his sleep. He frowned when he noticed that he was thrashing around on the bed, obviously having a nightmare.

Harry threw a pillow at him but he wouldn't wake. Harry sighed. He knew he should wake him but he didn't want to talk. He rolled over and tried to get to sleep.

Ron was standing in the lounge room in Grimmauld Place. He stood their in shock, looking at a person sitting on the lounge in front of him. This person was reading a book about The Chudley Cannon's. This person was an exact replica of Ron.

"Hello?" standing Ron called out to the imposter.

No answer.

Just then the door to the kitchen burst open and Harry stormed into the lounge room.

"Harry, you've got to help me." Ron walked up in front of Harry and gasped when Harry passed straight through him. He turned around and saw that his duplicate was now looking at Harry with concern locked away into his eyes.

Harry paid no notice of either of the Ron's and the one sitting bit his lip before also standing. The originally standing Ron gasped when Harry walked straight threw him. He walked over to his duplicate and waved his hand in front of his face. The duplicate acted as though Ron wasn't there. Ron then decided that something odd was happening, but whatever it was he couldn't be heard or seen. He sat down on the couch to watch this scene unfold just as Hermione entered the room.

"Oh there you are Harry. I was wondering where you got to. It's getting late and," Hermione paused, frowning at Harry.

"What on earth is wrong?"

From where Ron was sitting he didn't hear what Harry mumbled, the only word he was able to pick up was: Sirius.

The Ron and Hermione that were standing by Harry looked at each other confused.

"What Harry? You know that's not possible."

Ron leant forward on his seat, sensing something was going to happen. He eagerly stood, unable to hear what the trio were saying. He stopped in his tracks as a large plank of wood flew threw his body. It barely missed him and Harry, but it struck Hermione across the chest and she got thrown backwards. The two boys ran to Hermione and helped her to her feet. She stood there, swaying slightly before Harry let her go and walked straight through Ron for a second time that evening, drawing his wand. Ron turned and his mouth and eyes opened wide when he saw who was standing before Harry.

Voldemort stood there, flanked by death eaters. The door to the kitchen burst open and the adults ran into the room, their wands drawn. Harry took a step closer and muttered something to Voldemort quietly. That quietly that no one but Harry and Voldemort could hear. Voldemort smirked. He reached a hand forward and grabbed Harry's arm. The next second they and all the Death Eaters were gone.

Ron woke up with a start. He sat up in bed, breathing and perspiring heavily. He frowned, trying to remember the dream that had left him so shaken, but it didn't come. He looked over at Harry's empty bed and bit his bottom lip. He had expected to see him there. There was a knock on the door and Ron looked up expectantly as the door opened. He grinned when Hermione entered the room.

"Hey there sleepy head," Hermione walked over to Ron and kissed him passionately. She broke it off and sat on the bed beside him, smiling.

"Merry Christmas Ron."

"Merry Christmas." Hermione sat back so that her back was leaning against the wall.

"Where's Harry?"

"I don't really know. I woke up and he was gone." Hermione smiled.

"Good. More time for us then," she leant forward and captured Ron's lips again, pushing him back so that she was lying on top of him.

Harry sat at the kitchen table, his head resting in his hands. Remus Lupin sat opposite him, his hands resting around a mug of tea. He looked at Harry thoughtfully for a moment. Harry heard the door behind him open and then quickly slam shut. He looked up at Remus' face and frowned when he saw the look of relief that was washed across his face.

"Moony you ok?"

"What yes of course I am Ja- Harry."

Harry sat up straighter and looked at Remus with sad eyes. He nodded to himself.

"I'm not who you think I am."

"Beg yours?"

"I'm not my father."

Remus looked startled. He frowned down into his mug of tea before looking up and meeting Harry's deep emerald eyes.

"I know that Harry."

Harry shook his head. "I don't think you do." With that he got up and walked quietly out of the kitchen. He vaguely heard Remus sigh as the door clicked to a shut. Harry wandered past Molly Weasley who asked him to go upstairs and collect Ron and Hermione as they were going to start giving out the Christmas presents.

Harry wandered slowly up the stairs. He couldn't even dare to express how much Remus nearly calling him James had hurt him. Ever since he had been going to Hogwarts people had always compared him to his parents, it was as though he was just a replica of them and not his own person.

He arrived outside of his and Ron's room and walked in without knocking. As soon as he entered he wished he had knocked. Hermione was lying on top of Ron, her shirt off but bra still on. She turned when the door opened and found Harry standing there with his eyes wide.

"Oh god Harry," Hermione exclaimed as she picked up her shirt from the ground. She hurriedly pulled it on and stood in front of Harry, her face as red as Ron's.

"Hi guys," Harry managed to choke out. Hermione went even redder, and Harry was shocked by this as she was already very red to begin with.

"I, um, I'm so sorry."

"Oh no Harry it's ok. I'm glad you stopped us before things went a little too far."

Harry nodded, but in the back of his mind frowned. He should have known that Hermione would be the sort of person to disapprove of losing one's virginity at such a young age. Harry smiled guiltily.

"Oh Ron, I passed your mother on the way up here, she wants us all to go downstairs to the lounge room. She said that the presents are going to be handed out before breakfast."

Ron grinned at this and stood up. He quickly fixed his shirt up then took off out the door, Hermione's hand gripped in his own. Harry chuckled before exiting the room after them.

Down in the lounge room the whole Weasley family plus Harry, Hermione, Tonks and Remus sat around the Christmas tree. Looking around the room Harry couldn't help but feel out of place. He felt as though he didn't belong here. He felt the couch dip beside him and he looked over to see Remus sitting there. Remus gave him a smile and placed a hand on his shoulder. He took a deep breath before he began to speak.

"Harry what made you think that I thought you were James?" Remus asked, somewhat nervously.

"You started to call me James, but stopped and called me Harry." Remus' eyes opened wide and he nodded silently.

"Yes, well the only reason I said that Harry was because I was thinking about him." Harry frowned then bit his lip.

"I 'spose you do think about them on days like today. All I have been thinking about all day are my parents and Sirius. Christmas will always feel different without him you know?" Remus nodded and smiled at Tonks as she opened a present from Molly.

Molly walked over to Harry and Remus and placed gifts in each of their laps.

"Thanks Mrs. Weasley," Harry said politely as he began to un wrap his gift. It contained another of the famous Weasley jumpers. But this time there was a black leather book and a rather exquisite quill. Harry opened the book frowning and read the inscription: 'Dearest Harry. Arthur and I realize that you are going through a difficult time in your life right now so we bought you this journal to help you express your feelings. I hope you make good use of it. Love Molly and Arthur.

Harry looked up and saw Molly watching him. He smiled at her and her eyes instantly brightened. He placed the present beside him with his pile of other gifts. He felt as though he didn't deserve any one of them. He sighed as he pictured Sirius sitting around the tree with them, celebrating another Christmas with them

"God rest ye merry Hippogriffs," Harry quietly muttered under his breath. Remus turned and smiled sadly at him.

Harry sat on the stairs quietly reading the book Hermione had given him for Christmas: "100 one syllable hexes to get your opponent fast" by Christine Jenkins. He heard the door to the kitchen slam shut and many voices start to talk quickly. Harry looked up from his book upon hearing the familiar voices. Without even realizing what he was doing he was standing beside the kitchen door, his ear pressed up against it.

"Horrible, just horrible. Attacking people on Christmas and I thought those death eaters couldn't get any worse," a familiar voice stated. Harry frowned at this. He knew that voice but from where.

"I know, I never would have thought that we would have to do this sort of thing on Christmas," Remus muttered. There was a snarl from behind the door and an angry male voice followed the noise.

"Did you see Bellatrix flaunting around like she owned the place? Bloody hell I didn't think she'd have the guts to do that around you Remus after what she did to me."

Without even realizing it Harry had his hand on the door handle and wrenched the door open. He laid his eyes on the four people sitting around the kitchen table. Each of them had identical looks of shock plastered on their faces. That was the last thing Harry saw before his world went black.


	14. Secrets Revealed

**Chapter Fourteen.**

**Secrets Revealed**

Harry could hear whispers sounding from all around him from the place where he lay. His back was sore from the hard surface and his head was throbbing from hitting it when he fainted. He didn't want this to be real. He wanted to find himself in his bed and all this be a horrible dream.

"Remus I think he's waking up," a woman whispered nervously.

Harry felt his heart and stomach constrict when he heard that voice. He knew that voice. He slowly opened his eyes to find an identical set looking at him with concern. Beside that set of emerald eyes, another set appeared, hazel in color. Harry sat up suddenly and was surprised to find that he was now on the kitchen table. He jumped off the table and seeing as he had recently fainted, he was still quite dizzy. He fell forward and into the arms of a man. He looked up and found himself looking into the eyes of a person he never expected to see. He realized now where he had seen Damians' eyes from now. They were the same eyes as his godfathers. The same eyes as Sirius Black.

"You alright?" Sirius asked, his eyes full of concern and guilt. Harry pushed himself away from Sirius and glared at him.

"Am I alright?" Harry spat. "Am I alright?" His voice going higher. "How can I be alright?"

He turned around and tried to open the door to the lounge room, but it was locked.

"Let me out," he said, his back to the other four.

"Harry I think it would be best if we all sat down and discussed what is going on," Remus said, taking a few steps towards Harry. Harry whirled around, drawing his wand as he turned. He pointed it directly at Remus' heart.

"Take one more step closer and I'll hex you so badly that you'll be sent to Saint Mungo's." Harry snarled, his eyes full of tears.

Remus nodded. He figured he would have to be the one in charge of this situation. After all he was the neutral ally here. He finally broke the silence by making a suggestion. "How about we all sit down?"

Sirius sat straight away, James and Lily followed, taking seats opposite him. Remus glanced back at Harry who was now looking up in an attempt to not cry. Remus sat next to Sirius. There was a moment of silence that was driving everyone mad.

"Harry?" Lily asked, breaking the silence. "Are you going to sit down?"

"I'd rather stand," he answered coldly.

Nobody said anything and the room was bathed in an uncomfortable silence. Harry sighed and looked away from the four people that were peering at him. Harry's heart was beating frantically in his chest and he wanted nothing more then to beat the living daylights out of someone.

Lily peered into her sons eyes. She felt her heart ache at the amount of pain that was captured in them. How was she going to explain to her only child why she had left him all these years? Why she had abandoned him for most of his life?

James reached over and grabbed her hand in an attempt to encourage and support her. He couldn't seem to get over how much Harry looked like him at that age. Harry was a bit skinnier then him though. Actually Harry was a lot skinnier then him. Sure he had seen photos of Harry, but photo Harry never stayed in the photo for more then a few minutes.

Sirius sighed then stood, undecidedly pacing around the warm kitchen. He locked eyes with Harry every few paces. He felt so guilty for the way Harry's life was at this present moment. He knew it was his fault Harry had turned to cutting in an attempt to rid himself of his emotional pain. He Locked eyes with Harry once more and Harry rolled his eyes in response.

The silence was getting too much for Harry to handle. He looked around at the four adults that had turned his world upside down. He opened his mouth to shout and yell until he collapsed with exhaustion, but instead he only managed to whisper a strangled "Why?"

The adults shared a look and Harry turned his back on them, raising his wand to unlock the door. He heard a voice behind him and then his wand flew across the room and into James' hand.

"Give it back," Harry whispered dangerously. James bit his lip, placing the wand in his lap. He shook his head.

"We need to talk about this Harry."

"I don't want to talk about this right now. I need to go upstairs and just, just try and figure this out."

"Harry we don't want to let you out right now. We all know what you will do if you leave this room. You won't think. You'll go upstairs and, well, you know," Sirius said, trying to convince Harry to say, and at the same time, convince himself that he was saying the right thing.

"Cut myself?" Harry whispered, realizing that he was only a few feet away from Sirius right now. Sirius nodded.

"Don't you pretend for one minute that you understand me Sirius. You know nothing about me. Do you know what your 'death' did to me? It tore me apart," Harry spat, his words growing louder by the minute.

"I know Harry, I know," Sirius whispered.

Harry turned to him and looked into his face. Really looked. He could see the guilt that he was feeling. 'Serves the bastard right' a little voice said in Harry's head. Sirius looked up at Harry, his eyes looking near remorseful now. It was the last thing Harry could take. He lunged at Sirius, bringing his fist up and punching him against the jaw. Remus leapt up and grabbed the Harry's arms, holding him back from attacking his godfather. Harry slumped in Remus' arms and fell to the floor, taking Remus with him.

Harry sat there on the floor, tears falling down his cheeks. He couldn't help it anymore, it hurt so much. Remus looked up at Sirius, and wrapped his arms around the sobbing teen. Harry tried to push him away, but he only held on tighter. Harry leant in to the hug and sobbed on his ex-professors shirt.

Sirius sat down heavily onto a chair, his hand rubbing his cheek where Harry had punched him. He couldn't stop the feeling of pain that was coming from his heart as he watched his godson sob into the arms of one of his two best friends. He looked over at James and Lily and wasn't surprised to see tears in James' eyes and on Lily's cheeks.

Harry finally realized that he was crying in Lupin's arms, and tried again to push him away. This time he succeeded. He climbed to his feet and backed away so he was leaning against the kitchen bench. He turned to his parents and rolled his eyes when he saw their tears.

"What the fuck do you have to cry about? Your not the one who's parents abandoned him since he was one. Do you know what I lived through at that hell hole of a place where Dumbledore," Harry stopped talking suddenly.

"It was him wasn't it? Dumbledore put you up to this,"

Lily looked up into her sons eyes. Harry could tell just by that look that what he said was true. Harry shook his head in disbelief. He knew one thing. That headmaster was going down.

He turned to the kitchen door angrily, willing it silently to open. He heard his mother scream as the door slammed open, nearly falling off its hinges. He heard many more voices in the kitchen but he ignored them. Harry didn't even look back as he stormed into the lounge room. Harry walked straight past Ron who was sitting on the couch, looking at him with concern in his eyes, a Chudley Cannon book sitting in his lap. Ron got up and walked behind Harry, eager to find out what was wrong.

Hermione entered the room now and looked straight at Harry. "Oh there you are Harry. I was wondering where you got to. It's getting late and," Hermione paused, frowning at Harry, noticing how bad he looked.

"What on earth is wrong?"

"Honestly? My life is completely fucked. Sirius isn't dead," he said vaguely, Ron and Hermione shared a confused glance before turning back to Harry.

"But Harry you know that is not possible," Hermione said hesitantly.

Harry opened his mouth to say something but a large bang sounded from the entrance hall. A large plank of wood came flying into the room. Harry felt the whoosh of air as it flew past him. It struck Hermione across the chest and she went flying back. Ron and Harry each ran to Hermione, and heaved her up. She stood there, swaying slightly with Ron still at her side. Harry turned and his eyes widened as he saw who was standing just a few feet away from him.

He drew his wand and pointed it at his enemy. Lord Voldemort smiled evilly at Harry. Just then a group of adults came running through the kitchen door and into the lounge room. Harry looked around and saw Dumbledore standing their, just in front of his family. He knew that he wanted Dumbledore to pay for his mistakes. But how? He turned back to Voldemort and then the answer came.

Ron stood there beside his girlfriend. He knew what was going to happen. He saw it last night in his dream. Harry was going to go with Voldemort. He had to stop it. He took a step forward just as Voldemort smirked. He opened his mouth but the group was already gone.

Harry landed with a thud, Voldemort at his side. He looked around the huge hall, void of anything but a huge fireplace on the far war, opposite the front door.

"Welcome Harry, to my manor," Voldemort said, smirking at Harry as the Death Eaters all appeared in the hall.


	15. His Own Way

_Hey guys, Ok I am so sorry for the delay with the update. The last week has been really rough. A friend of mine got hit by a car and passed away. Another friend ended up in hospital with shock. I had to be in 6 shows of Grease for my school. I have homework piled up to the ceiling plus I've been really, really depressed. So here is chapter 15. I hope it is satisfactory._

**Chapter Fifteen**

**His Own Way**

Being the head quarters of the Order of the Phoenix, number 12 Grimmauld Place has seen many restless nights. But never was a night as restless as the Christmas that Lord Voldemort had discovered the location and taken non other the The-Boy-Who-Lived from inside its walls.

Albus Dumbledore sat at the head of the kitchen table. Albus was staring straight ahead, grimly remembering the last look that Harry had cast him before Voldemort and Harry had disappeared. He had seen that look only once before and he had hoped to never see it again. That look of desperation. Of pain and betrayal. That last look that Tom Marvolo Riddle had cast the day before he started trying to take over the wizarding world and became the most feared wizard alive.

Albus sighed as he looked around the crowded kitchen. Most of the order members that were present, were staring at the Potters and Sirius in shock, unaware that they were still alive. Molly Weasley sat opposite them, her face streaked with tears and her eyes red and puffy from the numerous tear drops that had exited from her eyes. Molly was staring, no glaring, at the Potters. Her gaze swapping to Sirius and Dumbledore in turn.

Lily was clutching onto her husbands hand tightly, her anxiety obvious to the whole room. James stared straight ahead, gazing at nothing in particular. They didn't know how they were supposed to feel. They had literally driven their only child into the arms of Voldemort himself. Their worst enemy. Harry's worst enemy.

Sirius stared down at his hands, the guilt was becoming too much to handle. How he wished he could reverse all the pain that he had caused Harry. He wanted nothing more then to right everything that he did that was wrong. He looked up and his eyes met with Dumbledore's briefly before he stood and looked through the door, checking on the younger members of the household.

Ron, Hermione and Ginny were huddled together on the couch. Ron was staring angrily into the fire and Ginny was tapping her foot impatiently. Hermione had a book spread open in her lap, nervously flipping through the pages in an attempt to find a tracking spell. She slammed the book shut and threw the book across the room.

Fred and George looked up at her, shock evident on their faces. Hermione harrumphed, and then sank back into the couch. Ron stood and began pacing around the lounge room. He glared as Sirius poked his head into the room. Ron shook his head. He was so worried about Harry that he knew he wouldn't sleep until they got word from Snape, telling them that he was alive.

Fred stood up and walked over to Ron, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder that Ron just shrugged off.

"He'll be okay Ron. This is Harry. Strong, brave Harry," Fred said.

"Yes, Harry. Harry with the prophecy. Harry who doesn't want to live. You do realize that the only way for him to die is by Voldemort's hand right? This could be a suicide game Fred," Ron shouted. He looked guiltily at Fred before biting his lip and sinking to the ground.

"I'm so worried. I don't know what I'd do if he, if he's." Ron closed his eyes, and took a deep breath before whispering "I need him."

Sirius turned around after hearing the out burst from Ron. He knew that Ron was right. This could all be an attempt to get himself killed. He slumped back into his chair, Molly glaring at him. Now they just had to wait for Snape to be back.

* * *

Harry stood in the crowded entrance hall, his heart beating so hard and fast he was certain the death eaters could hear it. Voldemort was grinning sadistically at him.

"Well, Mr Potter. It seems as though I have finally been given the best Christmas gift I could ever get. You," Voldemort started, running a finger down Harry's cheek causing Harry to wince with pain.

Voldemort laughed, leaving a ringing throughout the entrance hall. He turned to one of his death eaters.

"Take him to the dungeons, and make him," Voldemort paused. "Comfortable," he finished, resulting in the entrance hall to echo with the laughter of the death eaters.

The death eater glided forward and raised his wand at Harry, disarming Harry of his wand.

"Follow me," he sneered, walking away with Harry at his heels. Harry followed the tall death eater, knowing only too well who it was. They walked through the corridors in silence, descending a flight of steps and ending up in the damp, cool dungeons.

The death eater turned to Harry, he pushed him against the wall and whispered venomously in his ear.

"What the hell are you playing at Potter?" Snape lowered his hood, and removed his mask. There was only one way to describe how he looked. He was pissed.

"Who said I'm playing," Harry replied, sneering a sneer that would put Malfoy to shame.

Snape moved away from the wall, shaking his head angrily as he began walking again. Harry followed him. They walked through a metal door and Harry looked grimly around the damp moldy walls. There were cells lined against the walls, all filled with people. Captives for the Death Eaters to play with. They walked through another metal door, this time coming to a hall full of empty cells. Snape waved his wand and one of the cell's door opened. Snape pushed Harry inside and followed him in. Slamming the door behind him.

"Well this is certainly inviting, don't you say?" Harry asked to Snape, hoping to annoy him.

Snape began pacing the room, rubbing his temples with his fingers. Harry cocked his head to a side before following him around the room. Harry started humming a Christmas carol whilst still pacing behind Snape.

Snape stopped walking and Harry ran right into him.

"You certainly should invest in a pair of personal break lights. It would compliment your robe fantastically,"

Snape turned around and glared at Harry. Harry simply raised an eyebrow.

"You cocky little bugger."

"Oh that's not very nice. No wonder all the children are scared of you, with an attitude like that who wouldn't be,"

Snape frowned and stepped forward, back handing Harry across the face. Harry, who wasn't expecting this, stumbled into a wall. Snape raised his wand and pointed it at Harry.

Harry's eyes widened, knowing he had taken it too far, and now he was going to pay dearly for it. Harry raised his hands.

"Professor, I really think we need to talk about something."

Snape Frowned.

"Please sir. It's about why I came here. Please just hear me out."

Snape's curiosity got the better of him.

"Ok Mr Potter. But be quick. He will be here soon and he will be expecting to see me torturing you when he arrives.

Harry swallowed and nodded.

* * *

The cells were filled with Harry's screaming as Snape placed him under the Cruciatus curse, over and over. The curse was lifted and Harry was dimly aware of two people conversing while he tried to regain his breath.

Snape left the cell and the door slammed shut. Harry felt the pain in his scar increase as the person walked closer to him.

"Hello Harry," Voldemort said, stepping over Harry's panting form. "Severus told me something rather, interesting."

Voldemort pointed his wand at Harry.

"Crucio," Harry screamed as the now familiar curse hit his body. Voldemort grinned and lifted the curse.

"Do you know what Severus told me Harry?"

"I have a fair idea what."

"And what is that Harry?" Harry opened his eyes and looked up at Voldemort.

"I want to join you."

Voldemort grinned. Then raised his wand casting another Crucio on Harry.

"Tell me is this how you treat all your new death eaters?" Harry gasped when the curse was lifted.

"Well yes." Voldemort said, nodding. Voldemort raised his wand and conjured a big comfortable arm chair which he sat in.

"Tell me Harry. Why do you want to join me?"

Harry sat up, leaning against the cell bars.

"I have been remembering those words you said. There is only power. I want power. I'm sick of not being able to make my own decisions. And following you is a decision I made."

Voldemort nodded.

"What did the phrophecy say?"

"I can't remember it word for word, but it basically said that I am the one that has the power to vanquish you and that if we were to work together, then nothing would stop us." Harry laughed, "Like I could vanquish you. I'm a child. The old bat who made the prophecy is a fraud. She believes that I am going to live to become the minister of magic and have twelve kids." Harry snorted. "Minister? No way in hell. You'd make a better one."

Voldemort leant back, and examined Harry. He silently placed the legilemens charm on him, searching through his brain for the prophecy. He frowned when he realized that the Potter child was indeed telling the truth.

Voldemort nodded and stood.

"You will be inducted within the hour." With that Voldemort exited the room.

"Thank you Snape," Harry whispered to the empty room.

* * *

Dumbledore looked up as Snape appeared in the kitchen. He stood up expectantly.

"He is alive. I doubt Voldemort will kill him just yet, considering that he would prefer to play with him for awhile yet."

Both Molly and Lily grimaced at this.

"Can we rescue him without Tom knowing you gave away the location?" Dumbledore asked.

Snape frowned for a minute before nodding.

"I believe so."

"How did they find the location for here?"

"That was because of Bellatrix. Seeing as she grew up here, she knew the location. Of course she couldn't tell anyone that, but we used a highly complex spell that was once used to return a stray traveler back home. We were connected to her through another spell, and unfortunately arrived here."

Dumbledore nodded. He sat down wearily.

"Alright let us begin planning the rescue."

* * *

Draco Malfoy stood outside of Harry's cell. Harry oblivious to the fact that he was there.

"Oi Potter." Harry turned quickly and looked at Malfoy dressed up in death eater robes, and carrying what looked like a spare pair for Harry. Malfoy pulled out his wand and opened the cell door. He threw the robes at Harry.

"Get dressed."

Harry obliged, standing up and pulling the robe over his clothes.

"You know it's going to be rather difficult being a Gryffindork death eater," Malfoy commented.

"That's why I plan on getting transferred to Slytherin," Harry retorted.

Malfoy cocked an eyebrow. "How so?"

"Snape said that all a student has to do is demand a re-sorting and it will happen. The sorting hat was going to place me in Slytherin in first year, I don't think I've changed that drastically since then."

Malfoy nodded.

"Come on, we're going to be late."

Harry and Draco walked through the halls quickly, each ignoring the other. The entered the entrance hall and Malfoy turned left, heading up another staircase. Malfoy entered a room on the right with a silver and green door, with Harry behind him. Harry gasped as he took a look at the large number of Death Eaters that were in the huge room. There looked to be over one hundred. The room had green walls, and silver candlestick holders that seemed to melt into the walls.

Up the front of the room, sitting on a throne was Voldemort. Malfoy pushed him forward and Harry walked to Voldemort's feet. He had no idea what he was supposed to do, so he did the first thing that came to mind. He knelt.

Voldemort smiled and stood before him, looking out around the crowds of Death Eaters.

"Tonight is a very special night. Who would have ever guessed that non other The-Boy-Who-Lived would become a follower of me? But here he is, kneeling at my very feet."

Voldemort raised a foot, lifting Harry's chin with it.

"Now let us begin." Voldemort walked back to his throne and sat upon it. Lucious Malfoy stepped forward and knelt in front of Harry.

"By taking the mark you are swearing to a life time of service to the dark lord. You will honor him. Respect him. And follow his every order without question. You will provide him with what ever he wishes of you. Your family are no longer your family. The only family you have now are our lord and his fellow followers. Do you understand?"

Harry nodded. "Yes."

"Good." Luscious stepped up and walked back to stand beside Draco. Voldemort stood up. He walked past Draco, taking a dagger from him. He stood before Harry. He leant down, pushing Harry's left sleeve up to the elbow. Voldemort cut a slit in his finger, allowing a spot of blood to fall onto Harry's forearm. Voldemort raised his wand.

"Morsmordre Evanesco" Voldemort cast the spell and Harry's arm suddenly flared up in pain. He bit his lip, stopping himself from crying out. The dark mark appeared suddenly before vanishing.

"I cast this spell to vanish the mark. It is there and can be revealed with a simply revealment charm. The reason it is invisible is so that Dumbledore," Voldemort spat the name "will believe that the precious Golden boy, is still pure."

Voldemort places a chain around his neck. On the chain there as a snake pendant.

"Every death eater that can not apparaate has this portkey. It is activated by the simply words 'My lord, my master.' If you say those words, you will automatically be transported to where I am."

Voldemort turned to the death eaters.

"Our newest member. Malfoy junior can you please return him to his cell, I'm sure the rescue party will be here soon. You better be able to act Potter" Voldemort laughed. He turned to the rest of the Death eaters. "Let's clear out. Oh and Potter. I expect you to become a Slytherin as soon as possible you hear me?"

"Yes my lord" he replied, following Draco out of the room.

* * *

Harry lay on the damp cell floor, staring up at the ceiling. He slowly took off his necklace and placed it in his jeans pocket. Hopefully no one would search through his things. He knew that the order members would be here soon to rescue him, where he could have just walked out of here. He sat up when he heard the other captives, calling out. He knew then that there was someone coming.

He lay down on the floor, closing his eyes. He hoped that this was going to work. He heard footsteps walk up to his cell door, then stop.

"Albus he's in here." Remus called out behind him.

The door to the cell burst open and Remus ran over to Harry. He sighed with relief as he felt a pulse on Harry's neck. Harry heard another lot of footsteps behind him.

"Let's take him to Hogwarts. He needs to see madam Pomfrey."

Harry felt the familiar jerk behind his navel when the portkey was activated. He was going home.

* * *

_A/N- Wow guys. Look at this lovely review I got for this chapter._

_The following review has been submitted to: Abandoned Chapter: 15 _

_From: k () _

_im sorry to say but this is not a real story. a real STORY isnt made up of  
almost nothing but dialog. aat least not a good one.Â your skimpy on the  
details. noone has any real personality's ( witch is what happens when you only  
have dialog ) emotions, if there are any, are stunted and childish even for the  
adualts. much less the complex emotions teens have.Â all together this story is  
not writen up to even an amature level.Â youve gotten so far into it now the  
only way to even save the idea is to totally start over._

_...Ok k honey. Let me tell you a few things._

_This IS a real story honey._

_a. An account or recital of an event or a series of events, either true or fictitious, as: An account or report regarding the facts of an event or group of events: The witness changed her story under questioning. An anecdote: came back from the trip with some good stories. A lie: told us a story about the dog eating the cookies. A usually fictional prose or verse narrative intended to interest or amuse the hearer or reader; a tale. A short story. The plot of a narrative or dramatic work. A news article or broadcast. Something viewed as or providing material for a literary or journalistic treatment: "He was colorful, he was charismatic, he was controversial, he was a good story" (Terry Ann Knopf). The background information regarding something: What's the story on these unpaid bills? Romantic legend or tradition: a hero known to us in story. _

_That is the definition of a story. I believe that I fit some of the criterias (I am certainly not writing a news article)_

_As for the emotions...well honey, have you even read this? If you think that they are childish, then by all means do. But I believe they fit._

_I have so many reviewers (mainly on that absolutely love this story. I have a 45 year old reviewer who says that my story surpasses my age and the emotions involved are spot on._

_So next time you wish to flame a story, at least have some evidence._


	16. Sorting

_I am dedicating this to my lovely wonderful beta Katie. She is the best beta I could have asked for and I am extremely grateful to have her. She actually made me angry so I could write this chapter. Mind you she did apologise for telling me she hated me ect. Ect._

_Thanks Katie. If I didn't have you I probably would have abandoned this story long ago._

**Chapter Sixteen.**

**Sorting.**

Ron paced the hospital wing, anxiously awaiting the return of the Order. They had been away for over an hour and Ron's despair was increasing rapidly. He was so worried about what sort of shape Harry would be in when he arrived.

Hermione sat on one of the hospital beds; Ginny was curled up beside her, her head in Hermione's lap. Hermione was watching Ron pace. She opened her mouth to say something but stopped before the words came out. She didn't want to offend him at such a delicate time.

Ginny sighed. She hated how worried she felt. She knew now that she loved Harry. How could she not? When she was eleven it was simply a little school girl crush on the big star. But now it was different. Now it was love. She had grown to know the man that Harry was becoming and be damned if anyone was going to take him away.

Ron nearly fell over when the Order appeared beside him. They lay Harry down on the bad and Lupin rushed over to Madam Pomfrey who was across the hospital wing, looking over some other Order members who had been injured in the raid. Ron went to move forward but Ginny grabbed his arm, holding him back.

Madam Pomfrey rushed too Harry's side. She ran her wand over his body, searching for injuries. She slowly began to heal him, clothes still on.

"He's not that bad Headmaster. Just a few bumps and bruises actually," Madam Pomfrey said healing a bruise on his face.

Harry lay there, pretending to be unconscious but at the same time trying to figure out a way to 'wake up'. He groaned subconsciously as Madam Pomfrey's hands turned his head.

"Harry?" Dumbledore asked, turning Harry's head slightly himself.

"Mmm?" Harry murmured. He pushed himself up and sat up in his bed, looking around at the many people that littered the room. He groaned and placed his head in his hands. He felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up at the concerned face of Ron.

Harry smiled guiltily. He knew what he was about to do would tear his friends apart. But he had to do it. It was his duty. He vaguely heard Dumbledore ask certain Order members to leave, and when Harry looked to the right, the only people left were Lupin Dumbledore, and his three friends. Harry smiled, relieved that he didn't have to talk to those three people that betrayed him so much. It was then that the door burst open and said three people entered the room.

Harry groaned as they walked quickly over to his bed, looking concerned. What right did they have to be concerned? They had literally driven him into the arms of Voldemort, yet here they were, acting so concerned and, Harry looked at them again, guilty. They felt guilty. Harry shook his head in frustration. How dare they?

Ron bit his lip, and then backed away from his friend. He walked over to the girls and sat with them on the bed. They were all watching the display between Harry, his parents and Sirius with interest. They all knew that this wouldn't end good.

Sirius frowned as he looked at Harry.

"You ok kiddo?"

"Just fine," Harry spat venomously.

"Honey," Lily began, "We just-"

"Honey? Honey?" Harry laughed. "Don't you dare pretend you know me. I'm not who you think I am."

"You're Harry. That's all we think you are," Lily started quietly.

"Yes I'm Harry, but I'm not your Harry. I'm not a child. I am not a toy." He turned to Dumbledore. "I am not a weapon."

Sirius raised an eyebrow. He knew this was going to be a touchy conversation, but this was damn near impossible.

"Harry can you just listen to us for a second," Lily spoke to the tense room.

Harry turned and glared at her. He waited impatiently for someone to talk, but no one did.

"Well I'm listening. So talk." Harry demanded as he swung his legs over the side of the bed.

"Um, ok. Well it's just. We wanted to let you know why we, uh, left you."

Harry snorted. "You didn't just leave me. You abandoned me. Do you have any idea what I went through at that place?" Harry shook his head at Lily's downcast expression. "I didn't think so."

"Well tell us," Sirius burst out. "Let us know."

Harry gazed at him, then slowly shook his head. "No. I don't think I will."

"Harry we want to know you. Let us know you," James said, taking a step forward. Harry stood and walked away from the other occupants of the room. He looked out the window, his anger rising up inside him. How could they do this to him? His own family. His flesh and blood had betrayed him. Then again maybe his whole family was like this considering how Aunt Petunia and Dudley acted towards him. And last year he actually found out what his father was like at Hogwarts. He was a bully, plain and simple. He could feel their eyes on the back of him, baring holes through him. He turned around and glared at them once more.

"I don't want you to know me," Harry spoke coldly. "I don't want to know you. Why would I?"

"Well probably because they are your family," Sirius spoke up. Harry turned at him, his frown deepening as he looked him over.

"Sirius I don't want to hear your fucking opinion ok? Its not worth anything anymore."

"Harry isn't that a bit harsh?" Lily spoke up, instantly regretting her words the moment they left her mouth.

"That's harsh?" Harry whispered, before his voice grew to a yell. "That's harsh? What about leaving your son for fifteen years of his life. That's not harsh is it? Oh no of course not. Fucking hell. How am I supposed to handle this?" Harry turned to Dumbledore. "This was your idea wasn't it? Another brilliant idea. Well done," Harry yelled sarcastically, clapping his hands.

James took a step towards Sirius. "I looked just like that when I was angry didn't I?"

Sirius laughed. "Exactly like that."

Harry turned and glared at the two. "I'm not him. Ever since I came to Hogwarts I've always been compared to these two," Harry pointed to his parents. "Frankly I'm sick of it. It's like I don't have my own identity. I'm not you."

"Well you are both rather similar," Sirius started. "You are both Gryffindors. Both love quidditch. Both have anger problems." Harry frowned.

"Fine then," Harry turned to Dumbledore. "I want a resorting."

Dumbledore's eyes widened. Whatever he was expecting it had not been this.

"A resorting?"

"Yes you heard me Headmaster. A resorting. There is nothing written anywhere against resortings. Just things for it."

Dumbledore stood there, shocked.

"Harry you don't want to do this," Sirius gasped, shock evident in his voice.

"I think I can decide what I want thank you very much."

Hermione looked at the two Weasley siblings. She knew this was going to be bad. She looked over at Dumbledore who nodded to himself then walked into Madam Pomfrey's office, obviously to use her floo. The tension in the air could have been cut with a knife, and Harry still felt guilty about doing this to his friends.

Dumbledore entered the room and Harry sat nervously on the bed, ready to leave his beloved Gryffindor behind.

"Harry you do realize that whatever house you get sorted into you will then have to go and live in that house?" Dumbledore stated, handing the hat over to Harry.

Harry nodded. He looked over to his three friends who sat there, worry evident on each face. Harry sighed then rammed the hat onto his head, immediately hearing the voice that he hadn't heard for over 3 years.

'Ah Mr. Potter. Third time lucky I suppose?' the Hat asked rhetorically. 'Hmm, a lot has changed since I first examined you. You are still very stubborn, and still wish to prove yourself. Ah, I see you recently got something that I would never have expected to see on you, but never mind I know why you did it. Hmm, well I know where you wish to be in your heart and where you are convincing yourself where you belong. You wish to be in Gryffindor, and you belong in Gryffindor. However I am going to comply with your wishes and put you where you are convincing yourself to go. Slytherin." The sorting hat shouted the last word to the silent tense hospital wing.

Harry ripped the hat off his head and turned to look at his father. His father shook his head and did the only thing he could rationally do. He walked out of the hospital wing, a red Sirius following him. Harry sighed. He was hurting so much. Lily took a step forward.

"Don't," Harry whispered as he placed the hat gently on the bed. Lily nodded. She took a step back and seemed torn as to what to do. She finally looked at Harry once more, guilt still evident in her eyes, before turning and walking out after Sirius and James.

Dumbledore nodded sadly to himself.

"I will get your things transported to your new house. I'll bring in your knew head of house to speak with you." With that said he left.

Harry turned his back on his remaining friends. It tore him up inside to do this to them, but he had to do it. He felt the bed behind him lean down as a weight sat on it.

"Harry?" Hermione whispered, placing a hand on his shoulder. Ron walked around the bed and sat in front of Harry. Harry looked up at Ron and instantly wished he hadn't. Ron looked so, betrayed. Harry felt his heart break a bit more at the look his best friend cast him.

"Why?" Ron whispered, his voice obviously not able to go any louder.

"You wouldn't understand."

"Then make me Harry."

"I can't Ron."

Ron chuckled sarcastically before standing up and pacing once more. Ginny sighed as she sat next to Harry. She moved a hand over to take his hand, but Harry jerked away.

"Look. Guys. I love you. I do. Just remember that ok?"

Ginny and Hermione frowned and Ron stopped pacing. Harry sighed, turning his back on the once more. Just then Snape entered the room, frowning as he did so. His eyes locked Harry's and he instantly deepened the frown, still playing up his part.

"Mr. Potter. If you would please follow me I'll take you to you house."

Harry nodded and followed Snape whose robes still billowed out behind him.

"What do you think is going to happen now?" Ginny whispered.

The others shook their heads.

"I don't know Gin. I just don't know," Hermione stated, her eyes cast to the floor.


	17. Slytherin

Chapter Seventeen.

Slytherin.

Harry followed his head of house through the many damp and dark corridors that lead to the Slytherin common room. He couldn't hear anything except for the dull foot falls from his professor and himself. He couldn't help but shiver as he realized what he had done. He shook his head to rid himself of those thoughts. The past was the past and he had to live up to his decisions. He couldn't just go and hide under a rock, hoping that it was all a dream.

Harry stopped quickly, and almost ran into Professor Snape as the Professor stopped out the front of the Slytherin common room. Snape raised an eyebrow and he looked down at Harry.

"This Potter is the entrance to the Slytherin common room. If I find that you have been misbehaving at all, I swear to you that I will make your life a living hell. A house elf will be bringing your belongings shortly, with your Gryffindor robes destroyed, and new Slytherin one's ready for you. The password is," The Professor paused here, smirking as he continued looking down on Harry. "The password is Piss on Potter." With this said the Potions master walked away, leaving Harry to slowly calm himself before turning to the wall that hid the Slytherin common room.

Harry breathed in deeply. He knew that there weren't many Slytherin's staying at school this holidays, but he didn't know how they were going to react to him becoming a Slytherin. He wasn't even sure how his own friends where reacting. He knew that they would have felt betrayed. He was a Slytherin after all. A bloody dirty rotten Slytherin.

Harry shook his head as he muttered the password and a second later the Slytherin common room appeared. He entered the room and wasn't surprised to see just one resident sitting like a king on a throne in an armchair.

Draco Malfoy looked up from his Quidditch magazine and smirked when he saw Harry enter the room.

"Nice password. Did you make it up?" Harry asked, taking a seat near Draco.

"Yes. I did. Quite a nice touch don't you think?"

"Oh yes. Next I think we should do something like: 'Down with the Gryffindorks.' Or perhaps 'Death to Mudbloods'. Oh no. I know 'Reign of terror'."

"Actually I was thinking more along the lines of Pureblood Power."

Harry sat back in his chair.

"Honestly Malfoy, I think you're losing your touch. So anyway, what lovely Slytherin's do I get to spend my holiday with?"

Draco smirked as he crossed his legs. "Oh well luckily for you I left the manor to come back here and play 'host' to you. So it's us two plus three first years I think."

Harry stood up and stretched his arms behind his back. He turned to Draco, who was sitting there, an eyebrow raised, expecting Harry to say something.

"Going to show me where I will be sleeping my new friend?"

Draco rolled his eyes, as he too stood. He stood there looking at Harry with a cocked eyebrow.

"Do you seriously think that now that you have been inducted and a Slytherin that we are going to be friends?" Draco asked, taking a few steps towards a door on the far left of the common room with a sign above it that read: 'boys'.

"Well yes." Harry smiled, following Draco through the black door.

Draco snorted as they walked down the corridor. Draco turned and walked through the open doorway of the third door on the left. They entered the room and Harry looked around the dark room. He saw five four poster beds lined up around the room.

"Which is mine?" Harry asked to Draco, his eyes not quite reaching Draco's.

"That one by the portrait of the snake," Draco pointed to the bed in the far left corner, right next to a doorway that Harry decided probably led to a bathroom.

Harry nodded and crossed the room, his footsteps echoing with each new step.

"I have to go fire call father, so I'll let you be," Draco left the room, the door shutting with a click. Harry sighed. He looked down at his left arm and pulled out his wand. He muttered a quiet revealing charm and winced when he saw the dark mark appear. He muttered the counter spell and watched in fascination as it disappeared again.

Harry got up and walked through the door. He was right; he was indeed now in a bathroom. He crossed the room, his reflection in the mirror growing bigger as he approached. He leant against the sink and rested his forehead on the bathroom mirror. He felt tears fill up in his eyes but he shook his head and blinked, forcing them back.

Harry moved his hand forward and he felt his fingers brush against something. He looked down at the sink and felt his heart stop briefly when he saw that it was a razor blade. Before he could even decide to do it he had the razor in his hand and was walking back into the bedroom. He sat on his bed and drew the curtains shut around him.

Harry stared at the razor, a smile playing on his lips. He placed if against the skin and was about to cut when he remembered his promise to Ginny. He had promised not to hurt himself anymore. He bit his lip and pushed the razor against his skin. His breathing increased as he found he couldn't do it.

Harry cried out in frustration and threw the razor. It hit the curtain and bounced back onto the bed. He had promised Ginny and he wasn't about to go and break her trust. He stared at the razor in anger, trying desperately to wish the will to cut out of his head. He thought about everything that had been causing him so much pain and without warning the razor burst into flames and disappeared.

Harry stared in shock at the now empty space on his bed. He leant forward and ran his finger across the green bed spread. There wasn't a trace of what had happened. Harry bit his lip. He wasn't sure what had just happened, but it gave him a bad feeling.

Harry sighed. He had to get out of this green dungeon. He stood up and walked out of the door. He walked down the hallway and out the end door. He subconsciously noticed Draco with his head in the fire as he crossed the common room and exited the common room. He wandered discreetly through the halls of Hogwarts, not wanting to be caught out after curfew. He entered the entrance hall and pushed open the front door.

Harry crossed the grounds quickly and quietly. He arrived at one of his favorite places in the entire world. The Quidditch pitch. He climbed the steps of the bleachers and sat right at the very top. He placed his elbows on his knee's and cupped his chin in his hands. He was going to miss Quidditch.

------------

Ginny Weasley lay in her bed. She couldn't believe the events of today. It was Christmas and yet it was one of the worst days of her life. She couldn't believe how worried she had felt when Harry went with Voldemort. The day had been so long for her. She wanted desperately to fall asleep, but her body wasn't allowing it.

Ginny couldn't understand what Harry was trying to prove by becoming a Slytherin. A Slytherin. The enemies to the Gryffindors. She sighed as she sat up. She knew she wouldn't be able to sleep for quite awhile. She got out of her bed and tip toed over to the door. She opened it silently and walked down the stairs, hoping that Ron or Hermione was up.

Ginny entered the common room and was surprised to find that Ron and Hermione were both up but they were quite busy. Ginny coughed and they separated from each other, wiping their mouths as they did.

"Hey Guys," Ginny said cheerfully as she sat down in an armchair across from them.

"Hey Gin. Couldn't sleep?" Hermione asked, straightening up her shirt. Ginny nodded.

"I can't get Harry off my mind. I just don't know what to think."

"We know Gin. Ron and I were down here talking about it," Hermione said, leaning over and patting Ginny's arm.

"Didn't look like talking to me."

"Yes well, lets just say things got a bit carried away," Hermione replied, her cheeks growing redder.

"A bit?"

"Ginny just stop it ok?" Ron said suddenly. Ginny turned to him and nodded. She looked out the window and for some reason had an urge to go outside.

"Guy's I know you are prefects but I'm going to go for a walk." With that Ginny got up and crossed the common, exiting out the portrait hole.

Ron and Hermione looked at each other and slowly followed Ginny out of the common room, managing to keep enough distance so she wouldn't notice.

------------

Ginny dawdled around the lake. She felt like she didn't have anyone at Hogwarts anymore. Ron and Hermione where always all over one another. Harry was now a Slytherin so she wouldn't be able to associate with him. Kyra was, well Kyra. She seemed to be sleeping with a number of boys at this current time. Ginny suspected that she and Harry where sleeping together. She had been suspicious ever since the pair had arrived late to Quidditch practice together.

She walked towards the Quidditch pitch. She remembered how she used to come and watch Harry play, her heart filled with awe. She shook her head. She couldn't keep doing this to herself. Harry was Harry and would never love her. Ginny Weasley. Plain little Ginny Weasley. Nothing was special about her.

Ginny entered the Quidditch pitch and looked around the empty stands. She froze when she saw a person sitting in a row at the top of a set of bleachers. Even from here she could tell that it was Harry. She didn't know whether or not she should approach him.

She stood there in the shadows, watching him as he rubbed his neck, obviously trying to ease the tension. She didn't know what it was but there was something so fascinating about him. She hated the way that he made her feel. She hated the helplessness she felt when he spoke to her.

Ginny shook her head. There was no point even trying. She had no chance with him. Glancing back once more she turned and left the quidditch pitch.

------------

Harry saw Ginny leave the Quidditch pitch and felt a wave of depression wash over him. He seemed to always do the wrong things. He hated himself. He didn't want to be here anymore, but he knew that he had to fulfill the prophecy. If he didn't then the world would be doomed.

Harry took out his wand and conjured up a pen knife. He knew he shouldn't do it but he needed to relieve himself. He pushed back his sleeve and placed the knife on his arm, dragging it slowly across the skin. He let out his breath as the blood started to pour from his arm.

------------

Hermione giggled slightly as she spied on Ginny who was spying on Harry. She would have found the whole situation rather amusing had it not been so serious. She watched as Ginny left, disappointment evident on her face. She turned to Ron and leant up to whisper in his ear.

"We need to get those two together."

Ron frowned slightly but nodded. He knew that Harry was possibly the only person who he would allow date Ginny without hating them for it. Ron turned and looked up at Harry as he pulled out his wand, conjuring something that glowed slightly in the moonlight.

Hermione gasped as he dragged it across his skin. She stepped forward making herself visible as he did it for a second time.

------------

Harry drew the knife across his skin once more.

"Harry James Potter you put that down this instant."

Harry dropped the knife in shock as he heard someone yell at him from down the bottom of the bleachers. He stood up and narrowed his eyes when he saw Hermione standing there, Ron creeping closer to her.

Harry ran down the stairs and onto the pitch. He shook his head as he passed them.

"Harry please," Hermione began only to be cut off by Harry turning around and stepping angrily towards her.

"Don't you dare try to even understand me. Don't try to know what its like to be me. Just forget it ok. I know you are worried about me, but don't be. I'm not going to kill myself ok. Now if you will excuse me it's late and I must be getting to bed." With that said Harry turned on his heel and ran from the pitch, leaving Ron and Hermione standing there, staring at where he had just been.


	18. The Night After

A/N- Hey there. I just wanted to say that I know Blaise Zabini is a bloke, but I wrote him as a girl in this chapter. I figured Pansy needed a friend other then Millicent. Please read the authors note at the end. Thanks

Chapter Eighteen.

The Night Following.

Life as a Slytherin passed a lot quicker then life as a Gryffindor, and before Harry knew it, the Christmas holidays has stumbled to a halt. It was the last night before school was due back and Harry was walking through Hogsmede with Draco and a few of the other student death eaters. There had just been a death eater meeting, Harry's first since the induction. He was shivering like mad and knew it wasn't to do with the cold. The only sound for miles around was the sound of their boots crunching in the snow. Draco stopped in front of Harry and Harry not expecting this bumped into him. Draco turned and glared.

"I wish there was a shortcut," Draco began, wrapping his scarf tighter around his neck. "This is too cold."

Harry frowned. What harm could it do?

"I know a shortcut." Harry said, turning around and walking towards Honeydukes. He got to the door and with a wave of his wand the door unlocked. He pushed it open and motioned for the seven others to follow. He led the way down the stairs and into the One Eyed Witch passageway. He looked back and rolled his eyes when he saw that the others where all sucking on sweets from Honeydukes.

Harry walked along the passageway, not really listening to the voices that were talking behind him. He felt someone walk up beside him. The leant down and whispered in his ear.

"Where are we?" the female voice said, forcing shivers to creep down his back. She always did that to him.

"We are in a passageway that leads us into Hogwarts," Harry replied, turning and grinning at Zambini. She smiled back and walked behind him, running her hands down his arms. She leant forward and whispered again.

"Are you busy once we get back?"

Harry shook his head.

"Not for you," he whispered back. She smiled and nodded.

"Ill meet you at eleven ok?"

Harry nodded and continued walking as Blaise went back to Pansy. Harry grinned and shook his head. Blaise was way too sexy. Draco nudged him with his shoulder, causing Harry to look over. Draco winked and Harry just laughed. Harry pushed open the end of the tunnel and peaked out into the hall. He crawled out and let the other's follow. He gave Blaise a helping hand and she gave him a kiss on the cheek as she passed. Harry smiled, Draco smirked.

Harry and the other death eaters split up so they could wander around the corridors easier. Harry could see Blaise walking ahead, her hips swaying with every step.

"Having a nice look?" Draco muttered beside him.

"Well come on, how can I not?" Harry replied. Draco laughed and shook his head and Harry was sure he heard him mutter something like: 'Bloody Potter'.

The group started down the last staircase that lead to the dungeons. Halfway down the stairs they heard voices come drift around them. They froze. Harry winced when he recognized there voices and thought about turning back, but decided that he would have to face them eventually. He walked down the rest of the group.

"Don't worry. It's just Ron and, I mean Weasley and Granger."

Draco looked at him, an eyebrow raised to which Harry just shrugged. "Old habits die hard," he explained. Draco nodded.

Harry stepped off the last stair. He walked around the corner and straight into Ron.

"Hey watch it," Ron began, not looking up. He then raised his eyes to look straight into Harry's. "Oh Harry. It's you."

Harry looked at him with an emotionless face, but inside he was panicking. He hoped that neither would realize that under his clock he was wearing death eater robes. Hermione stepped out from behind Ron just as Draco, Pansy and Blaise walked around the corner. Hermione opened her mouth to say something and Draco kicked Harry a moment before the first word left her mouth.

"Look Granger, we are with two prefects here and have just been to see Professor Snape about a matter within our own house. None of which is any of your business."

Hermione frowned slightly at Harry. The Slytherin's took this as an invitation to pass. They started down the hall and were about to go around the corner when Hermione called out.

"Harry wait." Harry turned to face Hermione. "You haven't spoken to us in over two weeks and you know what happened the day you left and became one of them. Or did you forget Harry? Voldemort took you."

Harry stepped closer, his frown increasing.

"Harry don't do this to us. We have been here for you for years, and yet here you are, so willing to throw it away."

Harry stepped even closer and whispered to Hermione.

"I'm not throwing it away," he stepped back, raising his voice for this next sentence. "Besides, why would you care if I wasn't your friend Granger? You never really took much notice when all the bad shit that happened in my life happened. Where were you huh?"

"Since when is it Granger, Harry?"

"Since I decided that you were a filthy self-obsessed worthless bitch, who is so busy telling other people how to live her life that she fails to realize that she hasn't got one of her own."

With that said Harry turned and walked down the hallway, and around the corner. Hermione let out the breath that she hadn't known she was holding, and burst into tears. Ron moved over and wrapped his arms around her.

"It's going to be ok Hermione. Things will work out."

"Oh Ron, they wont. Not now that things have gone as far as they have."

Ron frowned.

"What do you mean?"

"Well Ron, remember in our first year how we went and, er, visited Fluffly?"

Ron nodded.

"Well remember how I noticed the trap door and you and Harry didn't?"

Ron nodded again.

"Well if I'm not mistaken I think Harry had death eater robes under his cloak."

Ron leapt away from her and stared at her.

"What? No Hermione, there is no way that Harry would join him."

Hermione nodded. "Maybe I'm mistaken. Its just I know that they weren't school robes, and since when does Harry own black robes that aren't his school robes?"

"He doesn't."

"That's my point Ron. I think we need to talk to Dumbledore."

Ron stepped back even further.

"Hermione we cant."

"Yeah? Well Ron just watch me."

With that said Hermione took off up the stairs. Ron rolled his eyes and followed obligingly.

------------

"Can you believe them? What gives them any right to question anything that I do?" Harry said, pacing in front of his bed on which Blaise Zabini lay, her long brown hair sprawled around her head.

"Harry, it's ok. Just forget about it."

Harry looked at Blaise lying there in her death eaters robes. He started pacing again, this time faster then before. Blaise sat up on the bed and watched him.

"You look tense."

"No kidding Blaise."

"Hey don't get shifty with me. I wasn't the one who confronted you in the hall remember?"

Harry nodded.

"Yeah I know."

"Well look, I'm going to get straight to the point. You know why I'm up here right."

Harry rolled his eyes and nodded.

"Of course."

Blaise took off her robes and let them fall to the floor. She slowly began to unbutton her blouse as she stepped backwards towards Harry's bed.

"Well," she began as he blouse fell to the floor. "Are you going to satisfy me?"

Harry nodded.

------------

Harry lay on his bed, wrapped in his sheets. Blaise had left half an hour ago, and Harry still felt depressed. He wanted her to go, but he knew he shouldn't have had sex with her. Sex was supposed to be about love and commitment, not getting off to a complete random.

Harry sighed as he leant over the side of the bed and grabbed his boxers. He bit his lip and shook his head when he realized that they didn't even use protection.

"Just great," Harry muttered. He shook his head. What would he do if she got pregnant?

"That's not going to happen," Harry muttered to himself while he got dressed into his pajama's.

Harry stepped out from behind his curtains and walked into the bathroom. He leant against the sink and stared at his reflection. His eyes were still green, but had now become a dull lifeless color. He took off his glasses and placed them on the sink.

Harry turned the tap on and gently cupped the cool water in his hands. He splashed his face with the liquid and let it drip slowly back into the bowl. He grabbed a hand towel and patted his face dry. Putting his glasses on and stepping back to view his reflection made Harry growl. He hated his reflection. He walked out of the room and flicked his wand, causing the candles to go out.

Harry walked back across the floor and slid back into bed. He lay on his back, staring up at the green canopy and reminiscing the night that had just passed. He could still see the look of terror on the muggle's face as a few of Voldemort's Death Eaters tortured them. Harry shuddered and rolled onto his side. It was going to take him awhile to get to sleep tonight.

------------

A/N- Ok guys. I know this chapter really sucked and was really short but I promise a nice big one next time. You don't know how many times I have gone to stop writing this fic. Sometimes I just don't see the point. Ok I have a beta but I need a new one. I need an Australian one preferably. Someone with msn, yahoo or AOL. Someone who could come on regularly and talk to me about my fic. I really need a beta on at times when my American one cannot be on. Well if anyone is interested my email is angelicbabe09athotmaildotcom. Thanks. Please review.


	19. The Truth

Chapter 19

The Truth

It was the first day of the new term and Harry woke, butterflies dancing in his stomach. He rolled over and winced when he saw Blaise lying beside him. Why did he have to go and sleep with her? He just kept screwing his life up didn't he?

Harry sighed as he sat up in the bed. He grabbed his glasses from the bedside table and then leant over the bed, pushing back the curtain as he looked for his boxers on the floor. He looked at his watch on the bedside table and sighed when he saw it was only 5.36 am. Harry stepped out from his curtains and grabbed some clothes out of his trunk. He crossed the cold dorm room, his feet becoming numb from stepping on the cold floor .He entered the bathroom and shut the door behind him.

Harry entered the stall and pulls the curtain shut after him. He placed his clothes on the bench and slips out of his boxers. He turns on the tap and steps into the hot water.

------------

The Gryffindor common room was serene as the sun rose. Ron and Hermione were lying together on a lounge. The first light of the day sped in the window and went right across Hermione's face, causing her to stir and wake. She stretched slightly and grinned when she saw Ron's arm draped across her stomach. She took his hand in her own and gently squeezed it, causing him to moan and stir. Hermione giggled and quickly slapped her other hand over her mouth, muffling the giggle.

Hermione felt Ron's grip tighten around her stomach and she stopped giggling. She looked around the chilly common room and felt her heart sink when she remembered why they were asleep there in the first place. She gently tapped Ron's hand trying to wake him up. He groaned and his eyes opened sleepily. She rolled over and looked at him.

"Come on we need to see Dumbledore," Hermione began, standing up and stepping in front of the fire. Ron blinked bleary-eyed at her.

"I thought you said that you were going to sleep on your decision."

"Ron I did sleep on it. I've decided that Dumbledore needs to know." Ron sat up.

"Hermione if what you said is true, then that means that you are going to just sell Harry out. They go to Azkaban Hermione, are you willing to send him to Azkaban?"

"He won't go to Azkaban Ron."

Ron stood up and walked closer to Hermione.

"How do you know that huh?"

"I don't. But Dumbledore needs to know."

"He doesn't need to know Hermione. Harry knows what he is doing. Besides you don't even know that they were Death Eater robes. They could have simply been some black one's that Malfoy leant him or something."

"Ron they whole lot of them were in those robes, including the other four we ran into before we ran into Harry."

Ron rolled his eyes and moved over to the couch again.

"Hermione this is my best friend here. Harry's my brother. I just can't send him to Azkaban."

"If he is a Death Eater Ron then we need to tell Dumbledore."

"If we tell Dumbledore Hermione, and Harry is a, you know, then he will go to Azkaban with the dementors."

Hermione bit her lip and crossed her arms, frowning.

"See Hermione, you can't do that to him can you?"

"I don't want him to go to Azkaban Ron anymore then I want him to be a Death Eater."

Ron walked over to Hermione and took both her hands in his own.

"Why don't we talk to Harry instead?"

Hermione nodded. She leant against Ron and wrapped her arms around him.

------------

Harry looked as himself in the mirror. His wet hair was dripping down his forehead and his long sleeves rolled up to his elbows. He stepped back until his back was against the wall and slowly slid down it. He sat on the ground. His arms resting on his legs, his palms facing the ceiling. He raised his right hand and ran his fingers over the scars and cuts that were becoming a part of his body. He bit his lip knowing that Blaise now knew about them. Why didn't he conceal them?

Harry looked around the green and white bathroom. He sighed. He looked He tilted his head back and let it rest against the wall. He shut his eyes and sighed again. The door to the bathroom opened and Draco entered the room.

"What's the time?" Harry asked, his eyes still closed. Draco jumped slightly at Harry's voice but answered with no sound of hesitation.

"Six-thirty," Draco turned to face Harry. He frowned. "What happened to your arms?"

Harry's eyes shot open and he crossed his arms across his chest.

"Nothing. It's nothing."

Harry stood up and grabbed his robe, pulling it on over his head. He headed for the door which slammed shut just as he reached it. He turned to see Draco standing there with his wand out.

"Draco just open the damn door."

"Harry, you know that the whole school knows about your attempted suicide, which I actually thought it was just something for more attention, but seeing those. Well I didn't think you would do something like that. Hacking up your own arm? Fuck. Not something that you see on someone everyday."

Harry leant back against the door, his eyes on the floor. He raised his eyes do they met Draco's.

"Look. This is my business. Not yours."

"So one day if I come into the bathroom to see you lying in a puddle of your own blood it won't be my fault because I didn't talk to you when I first discovered that you had been cutting yourself. Did the Mudblood and the weasel know about this?"

Harry nodded.

"And they didn't convince you to go get help from someone?"

"They tried. I wouldn't listen."

"Then listen to me. If you don't get help you will end up killing yourself, maybe not on purpose but by accident. And the wizarding world wouldn't want that now would they?"

Harry snorted.

"You think I care what the Wizarding world wants? If I did I wouldn't have gone and become a Death Eater."

"Why are you a Death Eater?"

"Why are you?"

"Because my father made me. I don't want to be one. You ever tell anyone that, and I'll kill you."

"Spoken like a true Death Eater."

"Now you need to answer the question," Draco said, raising his eyebrows.

"I'm one because I need to be one."

Draco stepped closer to Harry.

"Why's that?"

"What are you getting at?"

"What do you think?" Moving even closer, causing Harry's heart to race.

"Draco stop it. Stop right there. I don't know what the hell you think is going on, but it's definitely not what you think."

"How would you know what I think Harry?"

Harry shook his head and turned around. He tugged on the door but it wouldn't open.

"Open the fucking door."

"Or what?" Draco raised his wand to Harry's throat. Harry gulped, his heart rate speeding up.

"What are you going to do Draco?" He asked, his voice coming out firm and steady. Draco smirked then lowered his wand. He took another look at Harry and burst out laughing.

"You seriously thought I was going to hurt you didn't you?"

Harry frowned.

"Fuck Harry, its ok. I was joking around." He flicked his wand and the door unlocked but stayed closed.

"Did you really only become a Death Eater because your father made you?" Harry asked quietly. Draco nodded.

"It's not that I agree with Dumbledore either though. I just don't agree with a half blood killing off other half bloods. All my life I got persuaded into thinking that mudbloods were filthy and couldn't and wouldn't be better then purebloods. Then Granger came to school. She was so much better then me in everything and I knew then that my parents were wrong. But I still had to act like them. I needed a home. I had nowhere else to go."

"Would they really kick you out?"

Draco nodded. "That place has never been home anyway."

"I know what that's like. Living in a place that's supposed to be your home but isn't."

"Want to talk about it?"

"Nah. Maybe some other time."

Draco nodded. "Ill take you up on that. You owe me a conversation ok?"

Harry laughed.

"Yeah, yeah." He opened the door and left the bathroom.

------------

Ginny sat on her bed and watched as her room mate painted her nails on her own bed. Kyra was humming slightly to herself and Ginny cocked her head to the side, trying to figure out what song it was. She gave up after a minute. Ginny opened her mouth to speak but closed it again quickly. She watched as Kyra tapped the bottle and the color changed to a darker shade. Kyra then started painting her toes in this color.

"Kyra?"

Kyra looked up from her toes and smiled at Ginny.

"Yeah?"

"Um, I just. I wanted to ask you something."

Kyra nodded as she went back to her toes.

"What about Gin? Everything ok?"

"Um, yeah. Everything is fine. I just. I wanted to know what's going on with you and Harry."

"Hmm, well. We were sort of going out for awhile there, but well. When he came back here in the holidays he wrote me a letter saying that he couldn't see me anymore."

Ginny nodded, then without thinking she blurted the next sentence out.

"Did you sleep with him?"

Kyra snorted. She turned to Ginny and raised an eyebrow.

"Do you really want to know?"

Ginny nodded.

"Well yeah. Only once though. Poor thing was a virgin until he met me."

Ginny nodded again, feeling slightly sick.

"I'm going to go for a walk." She said. Ginny got off her bed and walked to the door. As soon as she walked through the door she set off at a run. She ran through the halls until she met the front doors. She heaved them aside and walked over to the lake, her breathing causing little clouds in the cool air. Ginny sighed and sat down on the rock that she had named 'Harry's rock'. It was the place he always sat at.

She heard footsteps behind her and turned to see Dean crossing over to her. She turned her back on him and rolled her eyes.

"Hey Gin. You ok?"

Ginny nodded.

"Ginny will you talk to me? We haven't spoken in ages. It's like I don't exist to you anymore."

"Oh don't be stupid Dean."

Dean walked around the rock and knelt in front of her.

"I'm not Ginny. I just think that something is up. And I want to know what it is."

"Dean. I need to tell you something."

Dean nodded.

"I think we should break up."

Dean blinked.

"What?"

"You heard me Dean. I'm so sorry."

"Why Ginny?"

Ginny shook her head.

"I think you know."

Dean blinked.

"Who told you?"

Ginny raised an eyebrow.

"Ginny, look I'm sorry ok. I never meant to kiss her. I just. Things just went too far."

"Who was it?"

"Katie Bell." Dean's eyes widened.

"You didn't know?"

Ginny shook her head.

"I'm so glad that I do now know."

"Why were you going to break up with me then?"

"Because I don't love you. Every time that I am kissing you I am not thinking of you."

Dean nodded. Ginny jerked her hands out of his grip and ran back towards the castle.

------------

Harry walked into the entrance hall and fell back onto his butt as someone came running into him. He looked up from where he sat and was surprised to see Ginny Weasley on the ground too, tears running down her face.

"Ginny?"

Ginny looked up and her eyes widened as she saw Harry. 'Great' she thought, 'just what I need.' She stood up from where she lay and started running again.

"Ginny wait."

Ginny stopped running and turned to see Harry get up from the floor. He looked around then ran over to Ginny. He grabbed her hand and ran towards the tapestry at the far end of the room. He and Ginny ran straight through it and up the secret stairs. They ran through the castle together, hands together, until they reached the Room of Requirement. Here Harry let go of Ginny's hand and paced in front of the wall three times to reveal a door. Harry opened it and let Ginny enter first, before he followed.

Harry crossed the light, airy room which had a huge roaring fireplace over on the far wall. Harry sat on one end of the black couch, while Ginny sat on the other. Harry turned and faced her.

"Why were you crying?"

Ginny rolled her eyes.

"Harry don't bother worrying about it."

"But I do bother Ginny. You're my friend and I care about you."

Ginny snorted. "Is that why you left us to become one of them?"

"Ginny, you don't understand. I needed to become a Slytherin."

Ginny turned on him, her eyes burning fiercely.

"Just like you needed to become a Death Eater?"

Harry frowned then laughed slightly.

"What are you talking about?"

Inside his heart began beating faster. Who knew?

"Harry, remember how last night you came back from somewhere with Draco and Blaise and Pansy? Well do you remember what you where wearing?"

Harry paled. He knew they would have figured that out.

"See Harry. Your face gives it away. Why did you do it? Why?"

Harry remained silent. Ginny rolled her eyes and wandered over to the door. She tried to open it but it wouldn't open. She turned back to Harry who was looking at her.

"Harry what are you doing?"

"Ginny we need to talk. Come sit down."

She shook her head.

"Please Ginny. I'm not going to hurt you."

Ginny stepped a bit closer. Then shrugged. She walked all the way and sat down beside Harry again.

"So you really are a Death Eater then?"

Harry nodded.

"Christmas?"

Harry nodded again.

"Why?"

"Because I wasn't thinking. I originally planned on going with him as a way of suicide. I thought he would kill me. Then I decided that if I was a Death Eater, then maybe I could learn his weaknesses and therefore learn how to take him out."

Ginny nodded.

"Have you killed or tortured anyone yet?"

Harry shook his head.

"I know I may have to. He is going to doubt me sooner or later, and he will need to test my loyalty. I just hope I can work my way out of it. I don't want to do anything like that. I can't stand it."

"But, what about Legilimency? Can't he read your mind?"

Harry nodded.

"Of course he can. The thing is Snape just so happens to be one of the best Occlumens around and knows of a spell that will block him from me. But the thing is it really wears Snape out. Snape has to block my mind for me."

"Poor Snape."

Harry laughed.

"Yeah, it wears him down. But I'm trying really hard to get my Occlumency back up."

"I'm glad."

"Why were you crying?"

"Dean cheated on me with Katie Bell."

"Really?"

Ginny nodded.

"Want me to take him to the next meeting?"

Ginny looked at Harry in horror.

"It's a joke Gin. Just a joke."

Ginny shook her head and threw a pillow at him.

"Anything else wrong?"

"Yeah."

Harry nodded.

"Want to talk about it?"

Ginny looked up into Harry's eyes and nodded. She opened her mouth to say something, but couldn't let the words out. She closed her eyes and nodded to herself.

"Kyra said you slept with her."

"That's what's wrong?" Harry asked, frowning with confusion.

"Did you sleep with her?"

Harry nodded. Ginny laughed.

"Why though? Why is this on your 'something wrong' list?"

"Because I am in love with you. Have been for ages. It's not just a silly little crush Harry. It's more then that." Ginny stood up to leave again and Harry grabbed her wrist and pulled her back down.

"Look. I slept with her, yeah. I also slept with Blaise Zabini last night"

Ginny snorted.

"Ginny, I didn't. I don't know why I did it ok. I'm so messed up that I can't even determine my own thoughts."

Ginny sighed and laughed.

"Why is everything so messed up Harry? Why does there have to be a war? Why sides?"

"I don't know Gin." Harry whispered.

Ginny turned and faced Harry. There faces only inches apart.

"Harry? Remember in your suicide letter how you said you loved me?"

Harry nodded.

"Why did you say that?"

"Because."

"Why?"

"I don't know if its love Ginny. But it's something I've never felt before."

Ginny licked her lips.

"Harry?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you going to kiss me?"

Harry brought his hand up to Ginny's cheek and tilted her head slightly. He nodded as he leant in and captured her lips with his own. He wrapped his other arm around her back and brought her in closer to him. He ran his tongue over her lips and her lips parted, giving him entrance. Her arms wrapped around the back of his neck as his tongue slipped into her mouth and they massaged one another's with their own.

The broke the kiss off and each sat there, staring the other in the eye.

"Harry we need to get to class."

"Yeah I know."

Harry sighed.

"Meet me here tonight?" Harry asked. "Eight pm?"

Ginny looked a bit worried.

"Ginny, I don't want sex from you. From anyone. I don't want to just have sex for the hell of it. Ok?"

Ginny nodded.

"I'll see you at eight."

She stood and walked over to the door Harry following in her footsteps. They walked out of the room together and Harry quickly pecked her on the cheek before turning right and walking down the corridor. He turned the corner with one more look back at Ginny, and headed to charms. Ginny smiled to herself and turned around, heading off to Potions.

------------

A/N. Hey guys. I hope you liked the double update. Just incase some of you didn't read the other Authors note here is a 2nd. I just wanted to remind you that I need another beta and if you are interested in being mine email me at Id prefer an Aussie. Because they can come on when I am online.

Ok. Chow for now. REVIEW!


	20. Talk About Bad Timing

**Chapter Twenty.**

**Talk About Bad Timing.**

It was seven pm at night and Harry was sitting in the Slytherin common room drumming his finger tips along the arm chair in which he was sitting. Draco entered the Slytherin common room, flanked by his two goons as usual. He spotted Harry and crossed towards him, leaving his two housemates in front of the fire.

"Hello," Draco said, sitting down in an armchair across from Harry. Harry looked up and nodded in return. He looked across the room at the grandfather clock and sighed when he realized he still had about an hour to go before he had to go and meet Ginny. Harry looked up again and raised an eyebrow when he saw that Draco was still watching him.

"What?" Harry asked, shrugging his shoulders.

"You owe me a conversation." Harry rolled his eyes.

"Can't we do this another time?" Draco stood up.

"Follow me." Harry rolled his eyes and stood, following Draco along the cold damp hallway and arriving at their dormitory. Draco walked over to his trunk and grabbed his cloak. He waved his wand and sent Harry's own cloak flying towards him. Harry caught it and frowned. Draco threw him a sarcastic smile as he walked past Harry and through the open door. Harry shrugged and walked out after him, tossing his cloak over his shoulders.

* * *

James and Lily Potter sat opposite one another at the kitchen table in 12 Grimmauld Place. They had mugs of once hot tea in front of them and where staring down at their tea in silence. The door to the kitchen opened and Sirius walked in. He slumped into a chair next to James and let his head drop to the table.

"Hey Sirius," James said

Sirius grumbled something in reply. James and Lily shared a look and Lily unclasped her hand from James.

"Sirius are you alright?" She asked, placing her hand on his arm.

"No" Sirius said, sitting upright.

"What's up?" James asked, taking a sip of his once warm coffee. He blanched and spat the tea back into the mug.

"Harry hates me."

James snorted and Lily glared at him.

"And you've only just came to this conclusion?" James replied, laughing slightly. Lily continued to glare.

Sirius sat up and smirked at James.

"At least he hates you too."

"Hey. Kids are supposed to hate their parents at this age."

Sirius pulled a face at James then got up and walked over to the sink. He opened the door of the cabinet and pulled out a bottle of firewhiskey. He waved his wand at the table and three glasses appeared. Lily waved her wand at her tea and it warmed up. She held the now steaming mug in her hands as Sirius filled the three glasses. He pushed a glass towards James, one towards Lily and he took the third for himself.

Lily raised an eyebrow at the glass and pushed it back towards Sirius.

"Drinking isn't going to make this go away,"

Sirius sighed.

"I know. I just hate feeling like this."

James looked across at Lily and smirked. Lily glared back.

James opened his mouth to say something when Remus walked into the kitchen, looking as down as the rest of them felt.

"Hello Remus. Is everything alright?" Lily asked, pulling out a chair beside her.

Remus sat in the chair and sighed. He leant forward across the table and rested his head on his arms. James put down his glass of firewhiskey and frowned. Remus should be feeling alright. The full moon was two weeks ago.

"What's up Moony?"

"Tonks and I just had a fight."

Sirius snorted.

"Another one?"

Remus looked up at Sirius and glared.

"Its not funny Sirius."

* * *

Draco led Harry through the forbidden forest. They passed the many trees until they came to a small clearing. Draco sat on a fallen log in the middle of the clearing while Harry sat on the ground, leaning against a tree. Harry reached down and picked up a stick. He slowly began to break it into little pieces, throwing each little piece across the clearing.

"Harry I don't know exactly how to start one of these conversations but - "

"So don't!"

"I'm asking you whether you like it or not. And you said that you would answer. So you bloody well are answering me. No why do you cut yourself?"

Harry sighed as he dropped the remaining part of the stick. His hand flew across to his opposite arm and he subconsciously began to finger his cuts.

"Why not?" he asked, his eyes drawing up to meet Draco's.

"Harry!"

"I do it because I like to okay."

"Why do you like it?" Draco said, resting his elbows on his knees and his chin in his hands.

"Because it's a way to escape all this pain and anguish that I seem to have inside me. It's a pain that I can control. It seems to be the only thing that I can control."

Draco nodded into his hands slightly before he asked his next question.

"What's causing you all this pain?"

"Lots of things."

"Like?"

Harry looked up at the tree tops. He then turned to Draco, a pleading look in his eyes."

"Do you really want to know Draco?"

Draco rolled his eyes.

"Do you seriously think that I dragged you all the way out into the Forbidden fucking forest for tea and biscuits?"

Harry raised an eyebrow then grinned.

"At least your not afraid of it anymore."

"Hey I was never afraid of the forest. I was afraid of what was_ in_ the forest. Those sort of things are kilometers away. Now please answer me. I am rather concerned."

Harry chuckled.

"You're a Malfoy. Malfoy's don't get concerned."

"Well I do. Now tell me what's hurting you."

"It's pathetic really."

Harry looked up at Draco and sighed.

"Can I trust you?"

Draco nodded.

"How do I know this?"

* * *

"So Remus, what did you fight about this time? Your age? Your money? You furry little problem as James puts it?" Sirius asked.

Remus shook his head and stood.

"None of those, yet all of those."

Sirius frowned and turned to face Remus. Lily yawned as she checked her watch.

"Merlin, it's only a quarter to eight," she said as she took another sip of her tea.

"Sirius its okay. Just forget it."

"What was it about?" Sirius asked loudly. He was getting impatient.

"It's just about sex and stuff okay Black." Remus turned his back on the table and began to do the dishes that had been left on the side of the sink.

James laughed while Sirius frowned.

"What about it Moony?"

Remus shook his head as he placed a cup on the draining rack.

"I don't know why you bother doing it the muggle way Remus. But tell us about the fight."

"The fight is none of your business Black. And I like doing it this way."

"Why wont you tell us?" Sirius asked, turning around fully. Remus turned around and frowned at Sirius, his face slightly red from anger and embarrassment.

"Because it's none of your business Black. Now stop asking."

Remus walked across the room and out the door. He let it shut with a thud behind him. He never was one to slam doors.

* * *

"You want to know you can trust me?" Draco asked sitting up straight.

Harry nodded.

"The reason why I am a Death Eater is because my father wanted me to be one. I thought that when he was in Azkaban that I was safe. Then he showed up. Escaped. And he made me get the dark mark to just prove that I was a loyal son. A loyal Slytherin I guess. All my life I grew up thinking that purebloods where better at everything. Then I met you and the mud- Granger. And Padma Patil. People like that. Granger beat me in every end of year test. I was so sure that I would fluke it. I would be the best. And then Quidditch. You always beat me at that. So I realized that my father was wrong. But still I had to do it. I had to get it. You don't turn it down when he is offering it to you. If I did I'd be dead and I want to live. But I. I really don't want to do this. I don't want to torture people. Sure I believe purebloods are better. But I can't kill them. I don't want to."

"What's going to happen if he orders you to kill one?"

Draco shrugged.

"I think Ill have to climb that mountain when I reach it. Now what causes you the pain?"

Harry sighed and stood.

"Draco it's. It seems rather small when I think about it now. But I'm addicted to it. I need to do it. I originally did it at the beginning of the year, because of my godfather and well because Dumbledore kept something very important from me that I should have known my entire life."

Draco nodded as he also stood.

"I guess that will have to do then. Just know that if you feel the urge to do it. Don't. Come talk to me."

Harry laughed then cried out, his right hand flying over to his left forearm. He turned to Draco to see Draco staring at him.

"It gets easier to deal with. Come on. We better go."

Harry watched as Draco activated his own portkey. Harry looked at his watch. Eight on the dot. He bit his lip as he reached under his shirt for his necklace.

"Sorry Ginny."

He muttered the password to activate the portkey and he disappeared.

* * *

Remus sat on the lounge, his feet tucked up beside him. He was staring across the room at the orange flames that warmed the house. He had a feeling of dread in his stomach, and he knew that it had nothing to do with his friends or Tonks.

Remus pulled out his wand and conjured a cup of tea. He sipped it slowly, racking his brain. He hated having the feeling of dread about something that you don't even know is going to happen.

He looked up as he heard the door to the kitchen open and Lily walked into the lounge room. She walked over to the lounge and sat beside him.

"Want to talk about it?"

Remus shook his head.

"No it's ok. Its not that big of a deal."

"If it's worrying you then it's a deal."

Lily jumped when she heard a glass break in the kitchen followed by a loud thud as one of the boys tackled the other.

"Will they ever grow up Remus?"

Remus shook his head.

"I don't really think so."

Lily sighed.

"Too bad. So. Do you want to talk about it?"

Remus opened his mouth to say something just as the kitchen door opened and Sirius ran out followed by James. They ran past the two in the loungeroom, casting big grins to the both as they ran past. Remus sighed as they ran past the fire and it was just then that the orange flames turned green. A body flew out of the fireplace and they managed to stay upright.

"Hello Minerva." Lily said as she walked towards them.

"I would like the one of you to go to the fireplace in the kitchen, and the other to go here. We need to round up the Order. Albus said that he thinks the Ministry will be attacked tonight."

"Why tonight?" Minerva shook her head.

"I have no idea."

Remus and Lily nodded and Lily ran out of the room and into the kitchen. Minerva grabbed a handful of floo powder and floo'ed back to Hogwarts. Remus sighed as he sank to the ground in front of the fire. It was going to be a long night.


	21. Oh Merlin!

Chapter 21

Oh Merlin.

Harry Potter stood at the back of the Death Eater meeting next to his fellow Slytherin Death Eaters. He watched Voldemort with his heart beating rapidly in his chest. He could not believe what he was about to do.

"You will attack the ministry, you will kill anyone who dares to get in your way. You will proceed down to the Department of Mysteries in which you will steal as many of their time turners as you can get your hands upon. You will steal the many magical weapons that lay past the death chamber. I won't be accompanying you tonight. I have some more, pressing matters to attend to. You will bring me the items as soon as you get back. I will be in the study. Not all of you will go as you know. The one's that I have already talked to are to go to Diagon Alley and attack their. A few will stay here, doing research in my library."

Voldemort sat back in his throne like chair.

"Well. Go."

The Death Eaters all stood and many apparated away. Some of the adult Death Eaters came to the back of the room and latched themselves onto the younger Death Eaters that could not yet apparate. Snape grabbed Harry and was about to apparate when Luscius Malfoy arrived.

"Ah Snape. I do hope that everything will go to plan tonight? And Harry. You will be a great asset to us tonight. After all you have been in the department of mysteries before."

Harry nodded as Lucius grabbed his arm and apparated away. A second later Snape and Draco appeared. Lucius let go of Harry and stepped towards Snape.

"I am on to you Severus. Watch you're back." He turned on his feet and walked towards the ministry elevator across the hall.

"Come Draco, Harry." Harry looked at Severus and saw the look of defeat and desperation that never had graced Snape's features before. He frowned and followed Draco to the elevator. Something wasn't right.

* * *

Remus sat back on his hunches and stood up just as Lily entered the room.

"Call everyone?"

Lily sighed.

"Everyone but Tonks. I think you should call her."

Remus looked at Lily sharply.

"Lily. I can't call her just yet."

"Remus call her or she wont be coming to the meeting."

"That's a good thing," Remus said as he walked past Lily. Lily grabbed his arm and turned him slightly.

"That is not a good thing. She is a member and needs to be here. You know as well as I do that she plays a very important part in this war due to her metamorphmagus abilities. Now by Merlin you are going to talk to her."

"Oh Merlin. Ok. Lily. I'll call her." He walked towards the fire.

"Care to give us some privacy?"

Lily poked her tongue out at Remus and walked into the kitchen. Remus sighed as he threw a pinch of floo powder into the fireplace. He called out Tonks' name and a moment later her face appeared. Her face lit up when she saw him but she immediately tried to hide it.

"What do you want Lupin?" Remus sighed.

"Nymph, I-"

"Don't you call me that. It's Tonks." Remus sighed again.

"Look. Dumbledore thinks that there is going to be an attack on the Ministry, so there is an Order meeting. Please come." With that he pulled his head out of the fireplace and stood, brushing a small amount of soot out of his hair and off his shoulders. He crossed the room and walked into the kitchen. His eyes widened when he saw that it was already packed with people.

He sat down with a sigh then groaned as he stood again. He exited the room and walked through the living room, past a blushing Tonks. He walked up the stairs and stood at the top, listening intently. He heard a thump and a triumphant laugh from Sirius' bedroom and shook his head as he walked towards the door. He stood outside it, one hand poised on the door knob, ready to open it when it opened by itself and James came tumbling out. James ran into Remus and they both got sprawled onto the ground.

"Moony!" James exclaimed happily. "Come to join us?" He pushed himself off Remus and stood, offering a hand to the fallen werewolf.

"No. There is an Order meeting. So you two are of course required."

Sirius sighed.

"Bloody Order always ruins our fun."

Remus raised an eyebrow and started walking down the stairs. James turned to Sirius and shrugged. Together they both ran after Remus.

* * *

Harry could feel his heart pounding in his chest as he stepped out of the elevator. He and Draco followed Snape and Lucius through the familiar corridors and to that black door he had dreamed about so often last year. They walked through the door with no hesitation and Harry sighed when he found himself in the familiar black room. He saw the blue torches and was saddened when he remembered why he was here in the first place.

Him being a Death Eater didn't really hit him till just then. All before it seemed like a game he was playing, just messing with his parents and Godfather's mind. Just like they had done to him. This time Draco held the door to the Ministry stayed open as Snape and Lucius checked the other doors.

Harry jumped slightly as he felt someone walk up behind him.

"So, Potter. Think you can handle being a Death Eater?"

Harry turned to find himself face to face with none other then Bellatrix.

"Hello Bella. I seem to be doing alright so far." Bella leant down a bit so she was right in Harry's face.

"Watch yourself Potter or I might just have to kill you like your precious little Godfather."

Harry snorted. Bella glared.

"Think that's funny do you?" She reached forward and gripped his robes hard in his hands.

"Bella." Bellatrix and Harry both turned to see Snape standing there.

"You and the rest of your 'friends' are wanted in the time turner room."

Bellatrix nodded and walked into a room to the left, followed by about seven other Death Eaters. Harry glared at her as the door slammed shut.

"Come on Potter," Lucius said as they walked into the 'Brain room.' Harry stared blankly around the room as he remembered how his friends had wound up the last time he was in this building. Lucius lead him through more doors, and Harry soon lost his way and knew that had he been alone, he wouldn't be able to find his way back to the black circular room. He pulled off his mask and placed in it his pocket. They always bugged him. He smiled to himself when he saw that Draco followed suit.

They entered a room that was lined with shelf after shelf after shelf. On these shelves were lots of glowing cubes. They glowed all different colors.

"Alright," Lucius began as he shoved a black bag into Harry's hands. "I want the two of you to place as many blue and purple cubes in this bag as you can manage. And be careful. These weapons are very dangerous."

Lucius crossed the room to Snape who was also carrying a black bag. The two of them began to place gold and silver cubes in the bag. Harry sighed and followed Draco over to a shelf.

* * *

The Order all stood from the meeting and split into their groups of eight. These groups then grabbed a portkey and the next second they arrived at the Ministry. As soon as they appeared the Death Eaters that stood guard in the Atrium all started throwing jinxes and curses at them. Lily ducked just as an Avada Kedavra came barreling towards her. Unfortunately it hit Dedalus Diggle and Lily watched with guilt in her eyes as he fell to the ground, dead.

She stood and fired a stunning curse at the Death Eater and summoned his wand as he fell to the ground. She snapped it in half and looked up just in time to see a red curse get fired at her. She didn't have time to move and the next second she was lying on the ground, writhing in pain and screaming from the Cruciatus curse.

James ran forward and out of the corner of his eye watched as his wife got hit by the Cruciatus curse. James struck down the man in front of him with a stunning curse and turned to the person that was hurting his wife. He raised his wand and blasted him away. He landed with a sickening crunch across the room and James helped his wife up.

"Take out as many as you can, but I'm beginning to think that we aren't going to win this round," James said as he pulled Lily out of the way of an oncoming curse. Lily nodded and turned, ready to face whatever Death Eater dare try to attack her or her husband.

* * *

Harry looked up from the black bag as a Death Eater ran into the room. Harry frowned as he or she ran over to Lucius and Snape.

"Come on. That's enough. We need to go up to the Atrium. The Order of the Pheonix has arrived," Lucius began, turning to Snape. Harry was sure he was glaring at him.

Harry and Draco nodded and took off at a run behind the three adults. Harry's heart was pounding, and not just from the running that he was doing. He could tell that this was going to end badly.

As they got closer to the Atrium Harry reached into his pocket to get his Death Eater mask and stopped running when he felt nothing but air.

"Oh Merlin," Harry said as he began running again. 'Let's hope no one see's me' he thought as they entered the Atrium.

Sirius sighed as he saw more Death Eaters enter the room. This battle would not be won by the Order. That was for sure. He ran towards someone that entered and began battling with them. He heard a laugh from behind the mask and knew that it was Lucius Malfoy.

"Sirius Black. What a surprise. Why aren't you dead?"

"None of your business Malfoy."

Sirius fired a stunning spell at Lucius only to have it rebounded onto the wall behind him.

"Black. I have a surprise for you."

Sirius raised and eyebrow. "Oh yeah?"

Lucius nodded and turned. He grabbed another Death Eaters robes and thrust him towards Sirius. Lucius pulled down the hood to reveal the face of Harry. Sirus dropped his wand to the ground and Lucius blasted him away.

James Potter turned to the sound of the blast and saw Sirius hit the wall with incredible force. He turned to the Death Eater that was responsible and froze when he saw his son looking over at Sirius. James blasted Lucius out of the way and grabbed his son's robes. He apparated away to Grimmauld Place a second later.

Lily crouched over the fallen form of Sirius Black. He was breathing but only just. She looked up and watched with sadness as Order member after Order member apparated away to safety. She sighed as she also apparated away. She only hoped that James and Sirius would be ok.

* * *

Hey Guys. Im so terribly sorry that this has taken me so long to update. The reasons are based on three things...school work being so heavy. Word crashing and bloody writers block. Chapter 22 is just around the corner though.

By the way. Thank you so much for your lovely reviews. I would name you guys but Im in a bit of a rush. So review to be in the next chapter lol.


	22. Heart to Heart

**Chapter Twenty-Two**

**Heart to Heart**

Harry felt his feet touch the ground and he jerked away from his father. He pulled out his wand only to have it snatched out of his hand by Lupin. He looked at Lupin and turned away quickly. He couldn't stand the disappointment that laced his eyes. He heard many more pops around him as more members apparated to outside Grimmauld Place. James, still holding onto Harry's robes, walked quickly towards the door. Pulling Harry with him. They entered the house and James slammed the door behind him.

"Is this some sick attempt to try and make me realize your not like me?" James asked as he shoved Harry down into a seat. Harry went to stand back up but James pulled out his wand and aimed it at Harry.

"Why do you assume that everything is about you?" James sighed.

"I don't want to be the bastard father here Harry,"

"Too late."

"Harry do you know why I wasn't there for you when you grew up?"

"Because you abandoned me. That's why."

"I would never abandon you Harry."

"But you fucking well did." James sighed. He was getting impatient.

"I fucking didn't"

"Oh, so just faking your own death and letting me live with the Dursleys, that wasn't abandoning me? Do you have any idea what I went through at the Dursleys."

"No. I really don't. Why don't you tell me?"

Harry blinked. That wasn't the reaction he was expecting.

"Nope. You couldn't be bothered with knowing me before. Why should I let you know me now?"

"Harry I was dead. Well kind of. I was in this place between life and death, and when Sirius fell through the viel he made it to us. And we worked out how to get out of there."

Harry snorted.

"It's the truth Harry."

"Sounds so believable."

"Harry." Harry shook his head and looked down at his hands in his lap.

"Did it really happen like that?"

James nodded. Harry looked down at his hands again and James bit his lip when he saw a tear run down it. James turned towards the door to the front hall and saw Lupin leaning against the door frame. Remus raised an eyebrow and James nodded. Remus turned and shut the door quietly behind him.

James turned back to Harry to hear the door open again and Lily came in.

"Hi Lily."

"Hi. Remus told me about… Harry. Um, I suppose I should tell the two of you that Sirius is at Hogwarts. In the hospital wing."

Harry stood up.

"Is he going to be okay?"

"Yes. He should be. You did it though right?"

"No. I didn't. It was Lucius Malfoy."

Lily looked at him coldly. So coldly that Harry sat back down on the couch again. Lily whispered something to James and then left the room. James sat down on the couch across from Harry and sat there in silence. The door to the room opened once more and Dumbledore, Snape, Lily and Remus entered. Harry knew this was going to be bad now. The four new adults all took places around the room.

"Harry." Dumbledore began and Harry looked up into his eyes. They looked at each other for a long moment and Harry could feel Dumbledore looking through his thoughts. Dumbledore broke eye contact and nodded to Snape.

"I have only one question Harry. Why?"

Harry sighed and looked down at his hands.

"At first I went because I thought that I wanted to die. I thought it was the only way I could. So, I went. Then when I arrived at his…manor. I decided that I finally had the chance to get to know my parents and I was throwing it away. I knew I didn't have a life with Voldemort alive so I figured, what better way to learn of his weaknesses then to train with him."

"Have you discovered any weaknesses?"

Harry nodded.

"A few."

"Do you think you could fight him and win?"

"I'm not sure."

Dumbledore sighed.

"We will finish this later Harry, for now I think you have some relationships to mend."

Harry nodded as Dumbledore and Snape stood up and left the room. The four sat in an uncomfortable silence. Harry laughed bitterly before opening his mouth to talk.

"My life has never been easy. And I went and made it harder voluntarily. I have never been one good at words, but I'm sorry. I am so, so sorry. I should have waited longer to let you tell me why you weren't there for me when I was a child. I just saw the three of you and saw red. I uh- I. I just. I don't know why I did it. It just seemed as though the whole world was out to get me. I couldn't handle it. So I'm sorry."

The silence that enveloped the room was so tense that Harry just wanted to get up and run.

"I guess we shouldn't really blame you. You are, after all, a teenager who has had an extremely difficult life. Although we don't know what happened at the Dursley's, but according to what you said before, I think it was something big." James said. He opened his mouth to continue but Harry spoke before he had the chance.

"They abused me. Hit me. Made me be a, well I was pretty much their house elf. I never got noticed in that house, except when I was taking up room, or eating too much, or getting in the way. They expected me to be silent, not exist. Just live in the cupboard under the bloody stairs."

"They what?" Lily said, her teeth gritted together.

"I think you heard me."

Lily stood up and started pacing the room.

"Lils?"

"James, how could they do that to our son? After everything that I did for them. They just treated our son like garbage."

"Um, Mum?"

Lily turned to Harry, her eyes wide. Harry bit his lip before smiling.

"Wow. Mum. Um. Just. It's ok. It's in the past. I don't have to go back there so everything should be okay right?"

"That still doesn't excuse what they did to you Harry."

Harry pressed his lips together and nodded.

"Um, I think I'll go see how Tonks is." Remus said. He got up and exited the room, looking back briefly at the family that desperately needed repairing.

"Is anything else bothering you Harry?" Lily asked, crossing the room and sitting next to him. Without saying anything Harry turned around and hugged Lily. Lily bit her lip as James sat beside her, but then wrapped her arms around his back.

"I've stuffed up so much in the last few months. I don't know how to fix everything that happened."

"What else happened?"

"Friendships, Girls. Just so much that I regret. So much that I want to turn back and I know I can't"

"Want to talk about it?" Lily asked, kissing the top of his head.

"There is only so much I can talk about."

"Meaning?" James asked and he placed a hand on his sons shoulder. Harry pulled away and sank back into the couch.

"There are a lot of things that I don't want to talk about because, well. It's embarrassing."

James laughed and Lily turned to glare at him.

"I didn't mean anything by it Lil's. I just think that it's well, man troubles."

Harry pushed away from his mother and leant against the arm of the chair.

"It's okay. I don't want to talk about it anyway. Do you hate me for it?"

"No. You didn't know where else to turn. I'm just thankful that you didn't let him kill you like you originally planned."

Harry nodded sadly.

"Yeah. So am I."

The three sat comfortably in silence before Harry finally broke it.

"Will Sirius be okay?"

The two adults looked at each other before responding.

"I think he will be. Although he may be in the hospital wing for quite awhile. Lucius did hit him with a nasty curse," Lily sat, placing a hand over Harry's.

"Oh Merlin, I'm so sorry. I'm such a screw up." Harry stood up and began pacing the room.

"I can apologize over and over again, but in the end what I did was wrong. I shouldn't be able to be just let off like this." Harry walked toward the stairs and placed a hand on the banister.

"Harry don't," Lily began, standing up.

"Please. I just need to be alone for awhile okay? Please." James sighed.

"Okay. I guess we don't have much of a choice. Just don't. Don't do anything. Well."

"Stupid?"

"Yeah."

"Yeah. I wont." Harry turned and pounded up the stairs. He entered the room where he stayed with Ron last summer and sat down on a bed with a sigh. He pulled off his Death Eater robes and threw them into a corner. He lay back on the bed and placed his hands over his eyes. There was a knock on the door and Harry groaned.

"Come in."

The door opened and in walked Dumbledore. Harry sat up on his bed and smoothed down his pants.

"Hello professor."

"Hello Harry. Do you mind if I sit down?" Harry shook his head.

"Not at all."

Professor Dumbledore smiled and he conjured up a comfortable looking seat with a purple velvet cushion. Albus placed his fingertips together. He was looking deeply at Harry, who in return was staring at his hands in his lap.

"You've been through a lot in your life Harry. I know this. I also know that a lot of the pain that you have been through is because of me."

Harry opened his mouth to speak but Dumbledore raised his hand to silence him.

"Harry you do not have to deny it. It is the truth."

"No. It's not. I know for a fact that a lot of the pain I have gone through is because I made myself be hurt by it. I reacted too soon or not soon enough. I didn't do the right thing. I try. I try to do what I believe is right, but that always, always turns out to be the wrong thing."

The silence in the room was deafening and Harry laughed bitterly in an attempt to break it.

"I assume that you would prefer to be back in Gryffindor now?"

Harry paused and bit his lip before nodding.

"But sir, can I get my things myself? I would prefer to say goodbye to a few people."

Dumbledore nodded and stood.

"That will be fine. Tomorrow you will go back to Hogwarts and move back into Gryffindor tower. For now I have to meet with your parents. Is it alright if I ask them a few questions about you?"

Harry nodded.

"That's fine sir."

Dumbledore walked over to the door.

"Rest Harry. You look exhausted."

"I will. Goodnight Professor."

Dumbledore smiled as he exited the room and Harry sank back onto the bed with a sigh. The talk just then actually left him feeling quite alright. Maybe tomorrow wouldn't be as bad as he thought.


	23. True Colors

Hello my faithful readers. if you are reading this then that means that you came back to me :D. I am so sorry that I havent written a chapter for so long, but I have been so busy. So I hope you enjoy. Take this as your christmas present (btw. wasnt the new movie fantastic?)

Chapter Twenty-Three

True Colors.

Harry Potter stood in front of the doorway to the Slytherin common room. He was frightened about entering there. For some reason he was dreading seeing Draco and telling him that he would once again be alone. He sighed and quickly muttered the password, biting his lip as he entered the common room. What he saw there made him frown. There was nothing. The common room was empty. No one in sight.

Shrugging Harry staggered slightly up the staircase, his leg aching slightly from the night before. He entered his dormitory and walked across the room to his bed. He sank onto it and picked up his pillow, hugging it to his chest. He opened his desk draw and pulled out the picture that had sat on his bedside table for years. His parents danced in the snow silently, and Harry smiled at them fondly. He still hated them for hiding the truth from him this whole year, ever since they got back, and that hurt. Harry looked up and around the room.

He frowned when he actually realized he was going to miss hanging out with the Slytherin's. Sure he was happy he got to spend time with Hermione and Ron again, but it scared him as well. He wasn't sure how they were going to react to the fact that he had the dark mark permanently fixed to his arm. Harry looked over at Draco's bed and frowned when he saw a figure lying on it. He grabbed his wand and lit it. He raised it above his head and aimed it at the figure.

The sound of breaking glass was heard as Harry dropped his parents picture and stood up. He crossed the room, lighting the candles with a wave of his wand. He gasped when he saw Draco lying on his bed, his eyes wide open and staring at the ceiling. Harry looked down his body and clapped a hand over his mouth when he saw all the blood. Harry knelt down beside his fallen friend and gently took his hand in his own. He reached up with his other hand and closed Draco's eyes for him.

He frowned when he saw something clasped in Draco's other hand. Leaning over his stomach he grabbed the paper and swallowed hard to stop himself from vomiting as he saw the way draco's stomach had been ripped open, his insides hanging out. He let go of Draco's hand and unfolded the paper. It was a letter.

Dearest Harry,

I should have known that you wanted nothing more then to destroy me. I should have realized that, yet I didn't. I was too busy thinking about the destruction it would cause having you on my side. I've said it before and I'll say it again. You will fall by my hand. I will destroy you by killing everyone you love. Young Malfoy here is just the beginning. Next will be the mudblood girl, then the Mudblood loving red headed family. You will suffer. Till we meet again,

Lord Voldemort.

Harry scrunched up the letter in his hand before standing and turning towards the door. He gasped when he saw Crabbe, Goyle, Pansy and Blaise standing there, each covered in blood.

"Why are you looking at me as though I did it?" Harry suddenly said, breaking the tense silence.

"We read the note. We know why he did it." Pansy sneered then sniffed. Her eyes looked slightly blood shot.

Harry laughed bitterly as he took a step towards his bed. He froze when four wands instantly went up, aiming at him.

"You're his target, we should bring him what he wants." Pansy said, stepping forward slightly.

Harry paused before taking another step towards his bed and towards his wand.

"Accio wand," Blaise shouted, Harry's wand snapping to her hand. Harry kept his face blank but inside his heart was beating as fast as a race horse on speed. He knew that Crabbe and Goyle had terrible aim, Pansy looked to upset to actually cast any spells, and Blaise. She was a tough one to determine. They had slept together after all, so maybe, just maybe she would find it difficult to hex him.

Harry took a step back towards the door and Blaise raised her wand higher.

"I wouldn't"

Harry sighed and leant against the bed post.

"Well. Do it. Hex me, Curse me. Take me to your leader." Harry giggled.

Blaise bit her lip as she trained her wand on Harry.

"Stupefy" She called out taking a step forward. Harry fell to the floor, the curse just swarming above his head. He got up and ran to the door.

"Diffindo" He shouted over his shoulder. He winced as he ran into the common room, hearing Blaise scream as the spell hit her. Harry ran through the common room, knocking over two fifth year girls as he ran for the door. He ran out as it opened and ducked as a flash of a spell slammed into the wall above his head.

He started running up the stairs and onto the first floor. He could hear his fellow classmates not that far behind him, and he ducked around the corner as another blast hit the wall.

Harry couldn't help but think as he ran. Draco was dead. Dead dead dead. And it was his entire fault. He ran up another flight of stairs, and his brain thanked Merlin that his housemates where lagging behind. He paused at the top of the stairs and listened.

There was nothing. No footsteps of the Slytherin's. No shouting of children. No exploading cauldrons. Nothing but pure silence. It was deafening.

Harry felt his body tense up as he heard a foot step behind him. He grip his wand tightly in his hand and turned around to face his enemy.

Blaise Zabini looked somberly at Harry as she stood there, sleaves rolled up. Dark mark clear for the world to see.

"Blaise," as soon as Harry began to speak Blaise's wand was at his thoat.

"Don't talk. Don't even move."

Harry could see the amount of pain in her eyes.

"Tell me Harry. Was I ever anything other than a quick fuck for you?"

Harry, unable to talk, merely nodded.

"What was that huh?"

"You were. You were really. Just a friend."

"A fuckbuddy."

"Blaise."

"You love her don't you?"

"Who?"

"The Weasley girl."

"Oh come on Blaise. I don't know what love is." As soon as Harry said it he knew he shouldn't have. The look on her face was devilish, and as Blaise raised her hand and slapped him hard across the face he could feel her heart breaking.

"Yeah. Well I loved you." With this said she shoved past Harry and ran down the stairs.

Harry stared at her retreating back and sighed. He stuffed everything up. He looked at his watch and suddenly he realized he had to see Dumbledore.

As Harry reached the gargoyle he sighed. Shouldn't Dumbledore be able to sense that one of his students is dead? Harry sighed again and muttered the password.

As he reached the door he knocked loudly and purposely. A moment later the door was opened and Harry entered to see Professor Dumbledore seated behind his desk. As soon as Albus looked at Harry he knew something wasn't right.

"Dear boy what is it?"

"Sir. It's um. Dra-" Harry coughed.

"Draco Malfoy."

"Harry please take a seat."

Harry sat across from the headmaster he had grown so fond of over the last few years, even if he had manipulated him into growing so fond.

"He's um. He's dead sir."

Dumbledore sat up very straight.

"Are you sure?"

Harry nodded as he held up his hands to show Dumbledore the blood that he had accidentally placed his hands on.

"Where is he?"

"On his bed sir."

"Stay here. I'll be back soon."

Harry nodded as the professor rushed from the office.

Sitting alone in the room Harry looked around the office. He felt tears enter his eyes and he let them fall. He sobbed into the empty silence. Cried for his family. His friends. His life. He cried for every other family that had lost someone in this war. And that's when he realized that he didn't have to end it. He wanted to. He was going to hold his head high and bring this war to an end. Even if it was the last thing that he did.


	24. Emotions

**Chapter Twenty-Four**

**Emotions**

It had been over two hours since Dumbledore had left the room to go find Draco's body and honestly, Harry was pissed. He couldn't believe that it could take that long to do whatever it is that you do with a dead body. Harry meant no disrespect, but in the last two hours he had gone through so many emotions that he was now sitting there, this cold hard emotionless-looking being. Although just because he looked emotionless didn't mean he was emotionless. Harry had so many different feelings swirling inside of him that he felt sick.

Sitting there, looking at the portraits yelling silently at him (he had cast a silencing charm on them about ten minutes after Dumbledore left), he would feel an emotion rip into his heart and then suddenly it left. Then a few moments later another emotion would rip into his heart. And thus the situation continued.

Harry didn't like these emotions. He didn't think he was worthy enough to feel some of them. He kept looking at his watch, thinking of Ginny. Thinking of Ginny made him think of love. Then thinking of love made him feel guilty about feeling love because of Draco. Then Draco made him think of Slytherin and Slytherin made him think of Blaise, thus feeling even more guilt.

Harry sighed and looked up at the roof. He wanted nothing more then to feel nothing. He just wanted to be this emotionless being. He tried looking emotionless to see if that would help, but so far it hadn't. He couldn't believe how hard it was to not be human.

Harry frowned at his own thoughts then. If he wasn't human what could he be? He closed his eyes and pictured all sorts of animals trying to think of an emotionless one. But then again. Every animal still has emotions right? A sheep bleats for its mother to protect it and the as soon as the mother sheep hears it she comes running. She feels needed. She loves her little lamb and would protect it. Oh yes animals do feel.

Harry leant forward and rested his forehead on Dumbledore's big wooden desk, closing his eyes. How much he would love to have an axe right now. Hell he'd prefer to face Voldemort right now. He felt that three things would happen if he stumbled across Voldemort right now. He would either, kill Voldemort, be killed, or be kept and tortured. He felt like he deserved the last one. He couldn't believe how guilty he felt about Draco's death.

He wanted to reverse time and. Harry suddenly sat up quickly, his eyes shooting open and his heart pounding heavily in his chest. A time turner. He needed a time turner. Harry leapt up from his chair and straight to Dumbledore's office door. There he paused and turned towards the fire.

"The Ministry has time turner's" he whispered as his eyes focused on Dumbledore's pot of floo powder. He raised his wand and shouted for all the portraits to hear.

"Accio invisibility cloak". He waiting impatiently as he tapped his foot on the marble around the fireplace. He looked up to the window just in time to see his cloak come flying through. He caught it swiftly, wrapped it around himself and grabbed a pinch of floo powder. He threw it into the fire and was off to the Ministry.

------------

Ginny Weasley stirred from her sleeping position on the couch she basically created in the room of requirement. She rolled over onto her side lazily, only succeeding in falling straight off the couch. She landed with an 'oof' and then sighed with her eyes still closed. She pushed herself up to her knees and blinked her eyes open. That's when she noticed that she was in the room of requirement. She frowned and then last night came back to her. She waited for hours for Harry to show up, before finally falling asleep on the couch. She gasped as her heart clenched painfully inside her chest. Harry had stood her up again.

Ginny blinked back tears that threatened to spill as she stood up and threw her glass of butterbeer into the fire. It shattered into a hundred pieces and she heard the hissing of the fire. She blinked again and this time the tears fell. Feeling unhappy with herself she slumped onto the couch and angrily brushed the tear tracks away. She wouldn't cry over Harry. He wasn't worth it.

But deep down inside of her, Ginny Weasley knew that her heart did not agree with her head. She loved Harry. It wasn't some small little crush like everyone thought. It was full fledged love and it made her feel so many different emotions that she didn't know what to do anymore. She wanted him here. She wanted him here so that she could yell at him, scream at him, punch him, kiss him, hug him, and love him. She didn't know when she fell this deeply in love with the boy who lived, but she needed him.

Ginny sighed and stood. As she walked towards the door she thought to herself 'there is no way that he is getting away with this one.'

------------

Harry Potter fell out of the fire and landed in a tangled mess in the floo chamber of the ministry of magic. His invisibility cloak was covering all of him still thank Merlin. He was lucky. He looked up and saw a group of guards leaning against a wall directly across from him. He knew there would be guards. He just couldn't understand why none of them had seen his fire light up. Oh well. No bother thinking about that now, he just hoped he could get up and across the chamber to the door that he knew lead to the fountain, without notifying the guards.

Harry took a deep breath and heaved himself up quietly. He made sure to grip the cloak around him. He couldn't afford to lose it now. That would be disastrous.

With both feet planted on the ground and Harry still in a crouched position, he heard a footstep behind him. He looked up and almost cried out in fright. There was a guard looking around him, looking for the passenger that came into the ministry.

Harry stopped breathing. Why on earth didn't he think of a notice me not spell? Honestly. He was losing his touch.

The guard raised his wand and started an incantation that would show any living thing in the room. Covered or not. Harry's eyes widened and his heart stopped. He raised his wand and cast the first spell that came to him.

"Imperio," The guard stopped half way through the spell and Harry opened his eyes in shock. Why did he have to use that spell of all spells?

Harry shook his head and commanded in his head for the guard to go over to the others and make up a plausible excuse as to why the fire lit up how it did.

Harry watched in satisfaction as the guards relaxed back against the wall. He turned and cast two spells on himself, a notice me not spell and a silencing charm, before dashing across the hall and out through the door.

------------

The Slytherin common room was strangely subdue for this time of year. Normally it would be loud. Boisterous. But today it was so quiet. The normally green and silver tapestries were charmed black in mourning for their beloved prince.

Blaise Zabini sat in a corner, her childhood teddy bear clutched in her arms. She didn't care what people thought of her. She wanted comfort, and her teddy was the only thing that was available. Normally she would have gone up to Harry and hugged him. But of course he didn't love her. She wasn't anything but sex. Sex on legs.

Blaise laughed bitterly and looked over at the fire across the room. There were so many Slytherin's huddled around it, mourning. She shook her head and sighed. They didn't know him. What he was really like. Then again. Neither did she.

She always knew there was something deeper to Draco Malfoy then meets the eye. But she had no idea what it was. She thought Harry might. Those two had gotten a lot closer since Harry became a Slytherin. Since Harry became a Death Eater.

Blaise sighed and turned her back on the mourners over by the fire. She clutched her teddy bear to her chest and blink. A single tear ran down her cheek and she brushed it away angrily. She wouldn't cry. Slytherin's didn't cry. Heck, Slytherin's didn't clutch teddy bears.

Blaise threw the teddy down and it sped away to her dormitory where it lay to rest on her pillow. She stood and walked over to the people over at the fire, ready to tell them off for mourning a person they didn't even know, when Professor Snape and Professor Dumbledore walked down from the dorms, holding between them a stretcher covered in a sheet.

Blaise let out a sob as they passed her with somber expressions. Fuck the Slytherin rules. Since when was it necessary to bottle your emotions? Especially when they brought the body of your friend through the very room you were trying to forget about them in.

Blaise looked down at the little first years and sat beside one of them. A small girl by the name of Melissa Whitby. Blaise took her hand in her own and smiled sadly at the crying girl.

"It's ok." She whispered as she pulled the girl closer.

"It'll be ok."

------------

Harry stood in front of the time turners, a churning feeling running through his stomach. He didn't know which one to pick. There were hundreds lying in front of him. He guessed the ministry must have restocked them since the last time he was here in this room.

Harry sighed and tried to read one of them. They just had runes all over them.

"Ok Harry. Focus," He said to himself as he went searching for one that looked like Hermione's.

"Aha," he said when he found a whole row of them. He slipped one over his neck and looked at the device before looking at his watch. He came to the ministry around twelve hours ago. He only hoped he got this right.

Harry turned the little hourglass twelve times and his stomach felt strangely empty.

"Remember, you mustn't be seen." He heard Hermione's voice run through his head as the world around him swirled.

------------

Hides from all the readers

I AM SO VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY SORRY.

gets down on knees

Please forgive me. The only excuse I can really plead is writers block. I have sat down so many times trying to write this god damned thing and I just couldn't.

So Im so very sorry still

Ok. I have an announcement. The next chapter will be out within 48 hours. I swear to you. And after that chapter I will most probably be finished this story and moving onto the sequel. I want you all to know that I have appreciated all the comments and support that you have given me as a reader.

The reason for a sequel is as follows. I want to be able to have a story about Harry and his parents and Sirius. They need to sort out their relationship a little bit more fully.

I wanted to do this In a new story because I wanted a clean slate. A new plot. And a better storyline. The story line I have right now has gone to pieces, and one day I might rewrite it. But I really doubt that. But never say never right?

Anyway I'll try to get the first chapter of my sequel out within a week, but I really want to make the chapters a lot bigger then what I have here, so it might take two. Im sick of having 2000 words per chapter. I want about 5000 instead.

Anway. I hope you enjoyed reading this. And till the next chapter. MWAH.

Thanks for everything.


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